Little sister in hiding

August 17

I am starting a blog: little sister. It seems important for me to feel «hidden» here – I still have this old fear of being stalked, found out, caught and raped and all that. And today it dawned on me that the stiffening and pain in the neck that I feel constantly, and which brings so much painful heavy headiness, may be connected to me hiding in my head – in dissociation – in fleeing from Love, believing it to be attack.

This insight feels great: the feeling of having to hide or else, does NOT come from truth:just a very old memory of believing a tiny mad idea.

In short: it is not serious.

Little sister...because I still mostly treat Jesus as my big brother whom I trust completely. I want his warm trustworthy hand holding and leading me. Mostly I call him Blue, after a figure I painted in an image  about 20 years ago of a tree with many strange inhabitants. Under the root – in the subconscious – were several dark figures, and a trapped child, waiting for the next attack by insanity. There was also Blue, who was silently smilingly present to it all, witnessing, radiating unconditional Love. Why was He smiling? He knew it was only a dream.

In my darkest most despairing nights, I learned to speak with Blue. He answered, and taught me methods for how to deal with the dark root-figures in a way that was not defensive. He reminded me to BE the space that could embrace that darkness, and find the longing underneath – and the Light beneath the longing.

Gradually – through many many years the thought of BEING Blue became more plausible. In between I am little sister again – needing the safe brothering /parenting I  missed a lot in this dream.

And reminding myself: yes – it IS my dream. The tree is dreamed by me, to trap me in being upset by worldly terrors…and all of that happened only in my dream. It happened through me, not to me.

It’s  not serious.

In short, this is what this blog is meant to teach me.

Little sister

 

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Shulamit
    Aug 27, 2010 @ 14:32:44

    Nina,

    You wrote: “It happened through me, not to me.”

    When I read that I gasped. The awareness came: I can remember that my traumas happened “through me, not to me.”

    They are not personal. They were not about me. They did not have any meaning related to my fundamental goodness/OKness. They did not harm my fundamental goodness/OKness.
    *I pause to take this in.*
    *A sigh comes.*
    *I hear a ‘yes’ inside.*
    *mmmmmmmm* *receiving that yes*

    Thank you 🙂

    xo

    Shulamit

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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