In my first post – “little sister in hiding” I described an image of a tree with inhabitants. Within the ego thought system, these inhabitants constitute archetypal forces in any soul that has been part of abusive and violent behavior: both “victims” and “abusers” have them.  In the crown of the tree, there is a big bird: she is the part of the victim identity that has denied the original terror  and finds her identity as helper and “savior.” She feels that her existence is only justified if she “saves” someone. One of the ways she saves is subconsciously taking on other people’s suffering, and processing it in her own nervous system.

14 years training with a Buddhist psychologist could not dissolve this pattern in me – must be very hidden, this choice of suffering and wanting punishment.  When I identify with the pattern, being caught in it,  this “I” merges with others’ pain and insanity.

Like yesterday:

I read a post on a web-community for energy-work: this woman was stuck in terrible anxiety about practicing as a therapist, as she saw that she had taken vows as a monk in earlier lives where earning money was not considered pure and spiritual. As I read it, something inside instantly recognized the level of anxiety she was trapped in: my Bird was activated. And instead of forgiving it and asking Blue for help, I merged with Bird and mailed the woman and gave her some tips on where to get help for this.

Now there is nothing wrong in wanting to help – what became wrong here is the attachment that Bird has to the belief that she HAS TO FIX THE OTHER in order to be allowed to live.

Immediately I received a very grateful answer – and a huge bunch of questions. I sensed she had surrendered to me now – to Bird-Savior –  and knew this was a bad solution. I gave her the link she needed to subscribe to the group. Now I felt trapped, and began to merge with our common pool of terror. And not-so-big-surprise – the tensions in the neck started again. Now the ego had me convinced that the situation was real and terrible: I watched myself going into ” oh no no no, I must not be so terrified, then the neck-stiffness will start,” and then I watched myself attacking myself for NEVER learning.

I sat myself down, noticed my victim-terror-thoughts and showed them to Jesus. Did not judge them. I started seeing the woman as one of the many false images I hold on to keep my personal self intact – and the struggle to keep her “alive”.

The I sensed an impulse to open a book: “Forgiveness is the Home of Miracles” by Robyn Busfield. She described how she was doing lesson 181:

“I trust my brothers, who are one with me. – – -When you attack a brother, you proclaim that he is limited by what you have perceived in him. You do not look beyond his errors. Rather, they are magnified, becoming blocks to your awareness of the Self that lies beyond your own mistakes, and past his seeming sins as well as yours.— Perception has a focus. It is this that gives consistency to what you see. Change but this focus, and you will change accordingly. Your vision now will shift, to give support to the intent which has replaced the one you held before. Remove your focus on your brother’s sins  ( i. e. their fear and guilt, my words) and you experience the peace that comes from faith in sinlessness.

A bit later in the lesson 181: When I am unable to trust my brother I will repeat: “It is not this that I would look upon. I trust my brothers who are one with me.”

I go to bed. The anxiety is filling my nervous system with its toxic quality. I set the intention of seeing the scared woman as she truly is and also see my Self – and my state of being changes from anxiety to a glowing warm sphere where  we are both included. I know she is safe, and does not need saving.: this is indeed a dream.

Still, my dreams are filled with attack – on a big moose. Yuck.  Was my meditation in vain?

In the morning, my neighbor is calling me. I live in a row-house with a common gutter. She reminds me that on her side, on the top of the gutter, there is a blockage, which makes my gutter overflow right in front of my window, second floor.  I love to see this story as a symbolic comment to my post today. The blockage is on her side – and I experience the consequences. I have already tried to find someone who can be brave enough to climb a very long staircase and remove the blockage to free circulation – but all my efforts are fruitless. This morning I suggest she takes some phones – I give her the responsibility to release the block that is on her side. Oh I just had to ask! I just had to ask, and not take the responsibility from her. Immediately she gets a brilliant idea, calls a member in our community of house-owners. In just some short minutes an elderly man has placed our long ladder to the blocked place ( how in the earth did she know it was there??) – he grabs into the horizontal gutter, and a huge lump of leaves and stuff fall to the earth. The water gushes out at the bottom of the freed gutter.

He had to set the ladder on my ground – in order to clear the blocks on her side – in order to relieve the gutter on my side from overflowing.

When the gutter is freed, I  instantly sense the relief in my body and mind. Tensions drain away, and grateful tears are flowing. It feels like waking up: my head is clearing, and I feel a big tiredness. A thought comes to me about the anxious woman – and all feelings of  being in danger because I take her fear on me, are gone. She is J and I am N, and she is Spirit, heal and whole and innocent – and all is forgiven and released.

When I open my mailbox after breakfast, I go to the energy-practitioners group as I use to. There is a post from her where she asks for help, and a loving college of mine who offers to help her.

Now the correction-program – a symbol of what is looking for errors in me – had red lines under a lot of words that was correctly spelled: ladder, when, scared, sinlessness. Pointing to how I/ego loves to “correct me”: “you were wrong! you are doing the Course wrong!”  I am starting to giggle now. Is also corrected a NO. But YES, I am going to say NO to believe in ego’s shenanigan

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Pam
    Aug 31, 2010 @ 02:53:38

    Trying to fix others, that is what I spent the first 26 years of my life doing. then I spent the next 16 trying to fix myself and now the last 4 trying not to fix anything ; just look and forgive. Whew! 🙂


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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