new perceptions

In the early morning, I awoke in great peace: something was missing. Something had left. The absence of it was delicious: everything seemed simple. Yes, it may return, and yes, it may in fact not .But for NOW it is gone: the nightly sessions with extending love to all my fears have been deeply healing, and I am more able to feel that I am a decision maker and not a puppet.

Today I went back to the Psychiatric Polyclinic – I did not quite know why, but I had the clear impression it would be healing, so I decided to just go and see what happened. I told the psychiatrist that I needed to sort out my/little Ninotchka’s beliefs about psychiatric institutions and force and overpowering and violence. She told me with a big smile that I had come to the right person: this was the doctor who was one of the two persons who was in charge of admission to the acute-psychiatric ward on the hospital I would be admitted to, if I needed psychiatric ward.

I got to ask all the questions I needed. I got to interrupt her when I sensed that little N freaked out and mixed the doctor with the attackers from childhood. It was a miracle of peace and release to be able to sort out the difference between insane violence from the childhood, and my view of the psychiatric overpowering of psychotic patients who are in danger of either taking their own life or somebody’s else’s. She told me the procedure for admittance and observation, and of the patient’s right to complain to an outside court, if one wanted too. She also explained  everything about medication. All the time, I sensed her big heart, her maturity and wisdom.

How wonderful to know that she is part of my mind. Very easy to see beyond her role as doctor to the Holy Son of God.

I started to feel the inner child’s belief pattern slowly and beautifully to crumble and shrink. I could see the difference between truth and thought-spin born from intense fear and violent memories – and this process of course started to unravel the projections I have made, from a deeply fragmented mind, onto any authority.

The process also has started to release some of the memories I still had repressed – I had held onto them, because the little N whom my decision maker still identified with, so strongly believed that her perceptions were TRUE and REAL. I see clearly the makings of a paranoid psychosis: taking the repressed memories and perceptions of insane violent abuse and projecting them on authorities with powers, like doctors and therapists. And how vital this process now is for my healing – allowing myself to be lovingly corrected, so the old horror-images can be placed where they belong: in the past. And I know well that when my perception has been given time to be corrected in the NOW, I will be able to use the Course metaphysics in a much more effective way. The sense of me being in an incredibly liberating and lovingly directed process, trusting it completely, is strong. And what is also so lovely is that the ego’s incessant insisting of doing the Course CORRECTLY(or else -) are fading: the only thing I am interested in is following the H.S.s lovingly guidance, allowing me to choose to do what feels loving and kind in every moment.

How blessed am I: I have been hooked up with this particular lady now, who also comes from a part of the country where there is a much more prevalent belief in the supernatural: in the north, people naturally believe in trolls, other realities, nature spirits, and healers and psychics are looked at as someone who simply have developed more of their mental capacities. Nothing strange about that at all.

She also described to me the possibilities I would have for care and attention should I choose to be admitted to one of the many Institutions  for psychic ward for a week or two. The thought is tempting – for once in my life,I would experience the luxury of continual care, massage, physical therapy, groups – and I would break a pattern of being alone, who my inner child-identity is so strongly rooted to.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Pam
    Sep 30, 2010 @ 18:13:11

    Reading the previous 2 posts on the 29th and this one have left me feeling all soft and warm. Can’t explain why; don’t want to try, it just is .


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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