only a little wall of dust

“You have reached the end of an ancient journey, not realizing yet that it is over. You are still worn and tired, and the desert’s dust still seems to cloud your eyes and keep you sightless. Yet He Whom you welcomed has come to you, and would welcome you. He has waited long to give you this. Receive it now of Him, for He would have you know Him. Only a little wall of dust still stands between you and your brother. Blow on it lightly and with happy laughter, and it will fall away. And walk into the garden love has prepared for both of you.”

the saviour archetype

This softening-thing…I think it sums it all up for me. Like Jamie Romkey said in one of his classes: “Don’t change anything, just add a little gentleness.” Stephen Levine says the same thing little differently: “Resisting anything intensifies it. You don’t try to get rid of it, you let it be there in softness.”

My yoga-tea bag today says the same: “There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.”

I was having a Focusing-session today, and wanted to bring this softening into that session. It was very useful: I sensed a huge field of overwhelm, and instead of listening to all the voices of agony, needing something, I  choose to just BE with it all. As I sat with it, and softened around those places of dark pain and tensions in the body, I sensed something old and collective. After some preliminary images I found the connection: this was a memory of a multitude of people on the floor of a volcano in Ecuador. I was there several years ago, doing sacred dances with people all over the world. I felt awful the whole time there, and now I know why: I picked up this imprint.

The essence in it is guilt – and the belief that they have disappointed God and deserved to be punished. “They” are being told this by their priests. Here is a strong belief in a God who punishes.

Seeing this connection starts to change the tensions and agony in my body now, reflecting the old memory in the mind.

Now part of my mind feels superior and special: “I” am healing this. What a responsibility”…I recognize that part: the savior archetype that I still see as valuable. She certainly keeps me separated. Oh I am so willing to look at this differently.

This can not be healed from the level it is “created.” But what I can do is see what is in my mind – that all these souls have mirrored for me – and forgive it, and offer this belief yet one more time to th H.S.  I  say to “them”all:

“Give me your blessing, Holy Son of God – I would perceive you with the eyes of Christ and see my perfect sinlessness in you – AMEN”


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Little sister

saying no saying yes

It seems that my Atonement-process is about learning when to say yes, and include, and when to say no. This night I saw that it is not about what I am saying, but the space/identity I am saying it from.

Saying no to dark entities, for example, is making them real when the no comes from fear and ego: that makes them real for me. But I still remember the time when I had visited a friend who showed me a picture she had painted, which was filled with agony and  dread. When I came home, I heard a question in my mind – “do you want to say yes or no to this?” and from a clear a loving space I said “NO” – and this no was only a recognition that I am not this – it is not real. It was a no with a smile.  This decision brought me into one of my greatest light-experiences.

There are also those times when I have been “visited” by the grossest absence of love possible – and Something inside has opened Its heart and whispered YES. And I am Home Home Home, and I know I never left – until I forget again. This YES also comes from knowing that what I see is not real.

And, at last – this quote from Ken’s answer to question 522:

there is only the ego or the Holy Spirit, and the ego rests on nothingness. Finally, since the ego is ultimately only a belief, it will go away when we no longer value that belief. There is no need to fight against it or try to banish it. Simply look at it with Jesus and smile gently; it has no existence other than our belief in it.

justifying anger

This need of  justifying of anger I described in “necessary” – boy did it play itself out today! I had a Focusing-session with a friend on Skype, and a peculiar thing happened: we both got the electronic signal that the other had not logged on – so we both thought that the other was late. Ten minutes past our appointed time we managed to connect, and thank God I decided to bring it up – being willing to be wrong about all the things ego fantasized. Boy was I wrong and so was she. We saw that the belief was the same for the both of us:  “you have not connected with me as we agreed on, there must be something wrong with me.”

It was my turn to Focus first, and I found  a part that was looking for possibilities to get angry: it needed somebody to be angry AT – because it knew no other way to let go of the pressure of anger than project it. When I just sat with it, listening for its need to release this toxic waste inside, I felt compassion, and all judgment of this part fell away. I saw that as long as I/mind insisted on identifying with ego, “I” would have to project – but as soon as I saw the separation between Mind/I and ego, Mind/I was able to sense the huge field of anger and just look at it.

How different it felt when not judged. Just like – whatever – it was just energy, it was not real, but it needed to be looked at with kindness.

Being with it like this takes a lot of concentration for me – I need to get out of the habit of denying it and projecting it.  There is also another possibility than just sitting calmly and looking without moving: I can LOOK at it in creative ways: dancing it, sculpting it, singing it, painting it, tell its story. As long as I just don’t justify it,  and connect a “self” to it, it transforms.


Oh what a beautiful morning

Oh what a beautiful day

she sings as she types

Yesterday was a really good bitchin-day. I drank two glasses of red wine for dinner and had the best chocolate ice cream (alone) and used the time to the fullest: ranting, raving,complaining, being jealous of the “better” Course-students ( beware, I know where you are), yelling at God. Lots of crying, and being very aware of all the stuff coming out.

For example: I moaned and bitched the whole day and could not find my IMPORTANT mp3 cord – I was aware in the back of my head that this WAS what I wanted: to be unfairly treated by God, to be a victim, so I could COMPLAIN and be right dammit!!
Today, I opened a cupboard lightly and there it was, right in front of my forgiving eyes. I looked there yesterday too – ohyesIdid – and it was NOT there. Sneaky bastard ( but it did exactly what i wanted of it.)

Today I visited this blessed psychiatrist again: just some more sessions to go before she moves away – and that is perfect too. I told her about my plans for Assisi, and also about the fear I have about planning the travel, and being stuck in no-where ( just like I am now :-)) she listened to me speaking about the connection I feel to one of the retreat-leaders, and the place itself -and how this seem to be pre-ordained. She tells me that this is a turning-point for me: good-bye to old ways, a new direction is called for. She tells me this in a completely convincing way, and I feel shivers going down my spine.

Another place in the session, I mention my feelings of my unusefulness and unworthiness since I do not have any steady clients in long-time therapy for the time being – and she says, with the same knowing, that it is necessary for me NOT to have any  steady-going clients now – that clears time for my own development and further growth.With others, I of course grow and learn – but not as deep as is needed now: that space has to be fully available.


When I write the word down, it also becomes evident to me that this is my script – and that it is for my good, not to be used as self-attack.

I feel light as a balloon.

She also tells me that she will have her husband check at the Internet for the best connections to Assisi – and I am dumbfounded: she will use her private time for me ( or her husbands :-)) I am being GIVEN things, and I truly receive them.


I have for a while known that I do need to get away from home from a while, to a rehab or a retreat. Have wanted to find a Monastery – and today I think I have found the place.
I went to my doctor today for a blood test – and also to ask him to apply for a rehab-stay for me. I also mentioned that what I really would love  to go to Assisi on retreat. He immediately says firmly and insistently that he really thinks I should go to Assisi. That is kinda strange thing to say for a doctor, so I noticed it :-)
In the evening, I googled “Retreat Assisi” and the first hit I got made me shiver. It was led by Bruce and Ruth Davies. Bruce has written a wonderful book: “The Heart of Healing” which I read in the 70-ies – and he had just got A Course in Miracles, and used it as a source of wisdom in his life. He posed questions, and opened the Course, and always found the answer. The book describes a deep spiritual journey with many teachers, and the Course is with him on that trip.
This book, which I have read so many times ( a true story about love and healing) made me think about buying the Course myself.
Some years after having written the book, I found a new book by him – “Monastery without walls” – and I adored that too.
Now he and his wife has this retreat-center just outside Assisi. This is where I will go.
And: his wife teaches a form of moving meditation/sacred movements – when I see the little video, I see how much it resembles how I work with movement and spirituality.
In my tired condition, I find the logistics of planning how to get there and everything needed to go, a bit overwhelming. Then I remembered a Catholic Hospice in town, The Fransiscus-help, a hospice which I have donated hospice-videos too, that my friends Stephen and Ondrea Levine gave to me many years ago. I found a beautiful connection with the catholic leader of the Hospice, and she told me that they go to Assisi once a year.
So I just mailed her and asked if she possibly could assist me in the logistics for the journey…
it really seems that this lies in my so-called future –
and I hope not so far from now –

my Buddhist bones

A week ago I found a book in my letter box: “Cave in the Snow” by Vicki Mackenzie. It is the true story about the English woman Diane Perry who became a nun within the Tibetan Buddhism lineage of Kargyu, and lived in a cave in the Himalayas for 13 years.

Right now, I feel emerged in the Tibetan Buddhism-field again – and the Kargyu is the lineage I found myself intimately drawn to, when I was still practicing some years ago. It originates from Milarepa, the poet-saint that I already have included in my blog. This time I read about Buddhist practice as an Acim-student – and again, I am rewarded with new clarity about the Course as I read about Tenzin Palmo (Diane Perry’s Buddhist name) and the experiences from her practice.

Here are some highlights that helped me see the Course in a more expanded way than before:

“One evening I looked inside and saw this grasping and attachment and how much suffering it was causing me. Seeing it so nakedly at that moment it all fell away.From that moment on I didn’t need to reach out.”

“The more you realize the more you realize there is nothing to realize”

It’s only when you understand non-duality that you are not overwhelmed by it all and have the genuine ability to help – this reminds me that only when I see my brother as the  Holy Son of God I will not be overwhelmed by illusion and believe in it.

“The nature of the mind—is unconditional, non-dual consciousness. It is Emptiness and bliss. And when it is realized, it isn’t very dramatic at all. There is no cosmic explosion, no fanfare of celestial trumpets. It’s like waking up for the first time – surfacing out of a dream and then realizing that you have been dreaming. That’s why the sages talk about  all things being an illusion. Our normal way of being is muffled – its’ not vivid. It’s like breathing in stale air. Waking up is not sensational. It’s ordinary. But it’s extremely real.”

And this! so helpful to me – “it’s not serious” as the Course says:

“I thought, “Why are you still looking for happiness in Samsara? and my mind just changed around. It was like: That’s right – Samsara is Dukka [the fundamental unsatisfactory nature of life.] It’s OK that it’s snowing. It’s OK that I am sick because that’s the nature of Samsara. There’s nothing to worry about. If it goes well that’s also nice. It doesn’t make any difference.”

For me, it feels like the Course-understanding is being helped and enriched by my old practice, and it feels like being nourished in my very bones.

Very comforting feeling.

P.S I just got permission to print the English translation to the Mahler-song in Softening: very Coursey, it is.

The Son meets his father

On the bus to town, I pull out of my purse this little card that I have laminated. It is from Robin Busfield’s book, “Forgiveness is the Home of Miracles:”

“When I see another who is lost and having difficulty finding their way, I have to realize that person is me and they are a projection of how I am feeling.Lately, when I see another creating pain for themselves, I am beginning to take responsibility by saying, “I am doing this to myself.” An alcoholic,bum, beggar, abuser – this is a part of my wrong mind. That person is me doing it to myself.”

In this moment, two very drunk men are entering the bus. It is early in the morning, and the driver, maybe a Muslim, looks unapprovingly on the men. The youngest does not have enough money, and the driver is looking angry and firm. I sense fear, something seems to escalate, the young man starts to loose it. I say inside to the three of them, and mean it with all my heart:

“You are Spirit, healed and whole and innocent. All is forgiven and released.” I ask H.S  for help to see all the men as innocent, knowing that I ask to see myself as the same.

One minute. The elder man pays for the younger man, and puts his arm protectively around his shoulder. And out of the blue the driver turns, look s at the younger stoned man and says: “You are a good boy.”

There is a clear shift in the atmosphere. All fear is gone. A weird and wonderful conversation starts between the young man and the driver, and then the driver tells the boy that he will take him out to dinner. He also tells him again that it is not good to drink so much so early in the morning, and asks him why he did that – and the man says”  I have lost my sweetheart. Then you’ll understand that I am sad – right?” the driver nods, and calls him a good boy, a clever boy. I t feels like the boy has got a good father. All aggression has melted off him, and the drunken trance has lifted remarkably. When he entered, he was so drunk that he could not stand.

When he leaves the bus, he and the driver shake hands, and the young man thanks him many times.

My heart is open. A new young man enters and takes the seat beside me. He turns to me and smiles a beatific smile.

floating uphill

Yesterday was one of the worst days in a long time. Feel filled with toxic waste in my head, and as always when i feel this way, the PC mirrors it by going ballistic, giving  messages that make no sense at all – threats of dangers that does not exist, and how about this: “x cannot open this page” and it immediately opens –

and then my microphone does not work. I cannot connect with friends at Skype. I sink into a very old story about not being able to connect with loved ones with words, my voice not allowed.

In this nightmarish situation my doorbell rings, and there’s my daughter and her beau with a BIG present for my coming birthday. It turns out to be a lawnmower that floats on the lawn, so it is so very easy to maneuver  – and at last I can move the lawn (more truthful: the weeds) in my backyard, which have been too hard to do with my mechanical old mower.

They tell me this is a used mower, popular model, and they have shined it up and fixed a tar in it  – my heart fills with tenderness for them, reading their wishes on the birthday card: “with the hope that life will float more easy – we hope that this may lighten the uphills for you”

And Filo suggests that we test-run it, and that may be the first time a lawnmower is test-run inside a living room. It made a lot of noise – but it really floated.

Her are some thoughts by Ken:

Don’t think you can’t learn this course. Just don’t judge. You are not powerless. But you don’t know you are a mind because you have convinced yourself that you are not your Self.
I chose the ego as my teacher and that’s why I’m in conflict. That’s just where you are. I will forgive and this will disappear. I chose my ego, and that is why I’m upset, it is my hot button. So what? That’s okay, the mistake is judging myself. I forgot to laugh at the tiny mad idea.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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