Now

The night before yesterday was one of the horrible ones: feeling trapped in a space invaded by ill will. When I manage to relate to this “field” or space, it transforms – but some times, like that night, nothing worked: I seemed to be completely merged with it.

Still, I got up in the morning, feeling like an overfilled old garbage-can, and went to town, meeting my daughter. We truly enjoyed our time. Coming home, I had a date with a  very close friend coming over – he called and told me the battery of his car had died. What an apt symbol for me. I slept for 2 hours, loading my batteries.

The last night was blessed with quite another quality: reasonably good sleep, no nightmares. And when I woke in the morning, golden peace was in me and everywhere.

I discovered that I had a session with the psychiatrist – and had missed it with one hour. I called and told the office, went there and got my full hour anyway. I told her that I was not interested in unraveling the past and finding causes and insights – I was interested in learning to dis-identify from the inner child’s ongoing torment, so I could relate TO it and not FROM it. My psych thought that was a good idea too. We agreed on certain procedures for helping me to be present and not dissociating/fragmenting.

I see and sense how the old fragmented/split-off soul-part has a chance of being healed now: and it is not difficult at all to see my Holy Brother in the psych, Y. I see her as a beautiful symbol of Christ – finding out how she best can support me in healing, and giving me the power of choice.

I read her a poem from a journal as a closure of the session, and she invited me to share more of them with her. She told me she had no words – but I saw her heart expanding, and the impact the poem had on her.

In this moment

* a boy in a boat on  the Ganges watches the sun rise – the funeral pyres float peacefully by, he give thanks for his life

* a four year old boy in white t-shirt and nothing else walks bare-feet in dew-wet grass on his way to the can, and a hedgehog crosses his path

*a planet is born in a nebula billion of light years from us

*a rain-worm is digging a new path and  encounter a stone

* a man beats his wife to death with his bare hands and goes out to have a beer

*A young stock-broker polishes her nails while her chauffeur draws her Mercedes up in  front of her house

*a teenager from Bern writes her first poem and cries for joy

*an 8-year old girl is raped in Sri Lanka by a group of drunken men

*the Dalai lama speaks from his abode in Dharamsala about compassion and kindness

*a little boy finds a buried treasure in the woods

*a little girl gets a puppy for her birthday

*an 86-year old woman dies peacefully in Stockholm with her loved ones surrounding her

* the last tones of Rachmaninoff’s 3. Piano Concerto sings in the concert hall

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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