necessary

Oh what a beautiful morning

Oh what a beautiful day

she sings as she types

Yesterday was a really good bitchin-day. I drank two glasses of red wine for dinner and had the best chocolate ice cream (alone) and used the time to the fullest: ranting, raving,complaining, being jealous of the “better” Course-students ( beware, I know where you are), yelling at God. Lots of crying, and being very aware of all the stuff coming out.

For example: I moaned and bitched the whole day and could not find my IMPORTANT mp3 cord – I was aware in the back of my head that this WAS what I wanted: to be unfairly treated by God, to be a victim, so I could COMPLAIN and be right dammit!!
Today, I opened a cupboard lightly and there it was, right in front of my forgiving eyes. I looked there yesterday too – ohyesIdid – and it was NOT there. Sneaky bastard ( but it did exactly what i wanted of it.)

Today I visited this blessed psychiatrist again: just some more sessions to go before she moves away – and that is perfect too. I told her about my plans for Assisi, and also about the fear I have about planning the travel, and being stuck in no-where ( just like I am now :-)) she listened to me speaking about the connection I feel to one of the retreat-leaders, and the place itself -and how this seem to be pre-ordained. She tells me that this is a turning-point for me: good-bye to old ways, a new direction is called for. She tells me this in a completely convincing way, and I feel shivers going down my spine.

Another place in the session, I mention my feelings of my unusefulness and unworthiness since I do not have any steady clients in long-time therapy for the time being – and she says, with the same knowing, that it is necessary for me NOT to have any  steady-going clients now – that clears time for my own development and further growth.With others, I of course grow and learn – but not as deep as is needed now: that space has to be fully available.

Necessary.

When I write the word down, it also becomes evident to me that this is my script – and that it is for my good, not to be used as self-attack.

I feel light as a balloon.

She also tells me that she will have her husband check at the Internet for the best connections to Assisi – and I am dumbfounded: she will use her private time for me ( or her husbands :-)) I am being GIVEN things, and I truly receive them.