just a scenario

In June 1984, I attended a Primal retreat with Dr Janov and staff. On the second day, I had a strange experience when something happened with my sleep and I was completely gone – total black – the whole night. Never happened before. And after that,I did not sleep for 7 days. I took all kind of drugs, nothing worked. And I remember the feeling of crushing pressure from the mind those nights, and since then I have slept – at the most –  3-4 hours pr night.
The day before yesterday and yesterday I experienced the same tensions, and now I remember that awful week. Fear is mounting – will it repeat itself?
So I read B’s notes from the judgment-workshop:

Again we begin with that basic thought of judgment: I have betrayed and abandoned the Love of God. I have turned my back on it, usurped it, stolen it. And the guilt is so overwhelming over what I’ve done that it automatically leads to the terror that God or Love is going to attack me back. So to escape, I take all the guilt and terror and project it outside me, and make up an idol. I say something outside me has attacked. I am not the one who did it; someone else did; someone else is the murderer.
And all we have to do is look at this whole scenario for what it is.

What it is is only a belief. I really find useful Ken’s advise to look at the premises for the belief, and find them lacking truth and reality. So I think what is connected to my fear is a memory of the first terror we/the Son of God/ experienced when we BELIEVED that the terror came from truth, and that this terror now may be mirroring  my terror each night of falling asleep – I really think it might be connected to that first shock we got when we believed that the dream and separation was real.
And if it is not correct,, at least it feels good and peaceful to forgive myself for believing in the TMI, seeing the judgment I made of myself as a guilty horrible sinner and ask Jesus to release that belief for me. Knowing that I do NOT have to re-experience the initial terror – it’s enough to forgive the choice to separate, and see the scenario for what it is.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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