talking to myself – and Jesus

After sleeping “normally” that one night, this night I sensed the “insanity” sort of “fishing” me – and I also instantly felt the connection to it – and there it is, again, the familiar identification with fear,abuse,violence and what have you not.

I think those pills managed to keep it away – it may mean that I must take stronger pills – but I also know that I spoke about this to H.S, and that while I spoke, the “fisher” could not get me. I knew without all doubt in the night that I was not this sadistic insane force field – and I also know that rejecting it and denying it feels wrong. It is like this – I seem to see and sense within that hateful field of violence that says it owns me, something that asks for love – and to say no to that voice is unbearable …

After I had that talk with H.S. I fell asleep and had a very clear dream: I dreamt that I was going to the States tomorrow ( USA is a symbol for Home for me, since it was in USA I went for primal therapy and found my feelings again). I realized that I had left all my luggage at my “home” with my old mother, and that it would be too heavy for her to take it to me …so I postponed my journey Home … aoch …I also found that I had an enormous RED cell-phone – very old, and I had forgotten the number I could be called by…

wondering if it has something to do with an old forgotten cell-memory that I seem not to have access to

I truly believe that the only thing that will conquer hate is love. The self-hate-attacks…what I really would love would be to be able to acknowledge them – there you are – and then immediately go beyond them to Love. Giving all control to Love, feeling safe. What often happens is this super-strong glue I feel to the hatred – like it is an alien will who controls my nervous system and emotional reactions. There is lots of magnetism in there, and I know it can not be healed on the level it is made – I have to go beyond it and give all control to H.S. The strange and not understandable thing that happens is that now and then this works wonderfully – all becomes light, peace and love – and next day, it is back with a vengeance, like nothing has happened.

It has been like this over 30 years now, with active work in this area. And I have never before, I think, felt the sucking connection to it as strong as this night.

After the good talk to H.S this night I had a dream of being on a big field, and there were two insane rapists there. I felt completely weak and in their power, and woke up. I forgive my images of rape, and ask for correction of perception.

Dowsing for a wise- word to my predicament. Got this – from Carrie Triffet:

“”Look down. See the yawning hole beneath your feet? It isn’t real, you know.You made it up. And although you’re tempted right now to be frightened and angry because you believe the monster is real, you’re completely mistaken. —There is nothing “down there” to get you. There is only one, joyous perfect Self, and you’re it. Look past the illusory image of the hole and it’s content to the loving reality of Heaven.”

As always, the wise- word is right on. And then I have to say: I have done this for m a n y  years now – and sometime that procedure works, and most time it seems to not work. New wise word:

“Wow! so Jesus is telling me that the whole thing is over and any problem I had has already been solved. He also tells me that if I insist there’s a problem then that is because I want to remain special and separate. I can honor the fact that it is over or I can continue to fight in order to keep it.”

I am watching a big anger rising now, and show it to Jesus. It says: “you must be kidding me! I would love to give away any specialness- I have loved all the transcended moments “I” have had, where this I has gone.

New wise word then:

“There is not a moment in which His Voice fails to direct my thoughts, guide my actions and lead my feet. I am walking steadily on toward truth.”

Yes, I might be guided, I get that, but how can I hear You when the hate-field gulfs me up?

Oh boy. See what I just found:

When I am in pain and cannot hear H.S., I will pretend to be a student/patient who is telling me this, and I listen to H.S on their behalf, and tell them what He says in Love.

Thank God for your persistence, little sister.  The tremendous cold I have been sitting in the last hour is now seeping out, replaced with comforting warmth.

To be continued…

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. anne h
    Nov 07, 2010 @ 16:28:07

    Sometimes it is SO clear – the ego trap…
    other times we just don’t see it coming.
    But I think it’s all ego entrapment and re-enactment.
    Is ALL form just ego stuff?
    Every thing “here?”
    Maybe.
    Hold on someone’s knocking on the door.
    Oh, look!
    A wolf. Saying “Let me come in!”
    Oops – there’s that trap again!
    Time to get a stronger house, eh?

    Love ya, little sister!

    Reply

    • littlesister
      Nov 09, 2010 @ 00:23:22

      -and what do we do when the wolf turns out to be tame-able, and becomes our friend – like the little fox in the Little Prince…I really like wolves – you just need to be really Cesar Milanish with them, I have seen that on TV…so not a stronger house, just a stronger assertive present house-owner: This is MY place. I am the boss.
      Sit! tsjtt!

      Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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