justifying the victimrole

My shrink told me: “since you were small has your dopamine been triggered. A lot.And you have worked with your experiences in a way that has kept your level of dopamine up, by triggering it. Your body has had no ways to lower the dopamine-system. As long as you have processed your experiences, you have maintained the level. Flupenticol will be your partner, in the way that it will help to lower the dopamine-level, so that you, when you process and think about things, the dopamine will not run amok. What I hope will happen is that the overwhelm will stop, and you will maintain a healthy control. You and F need each other: you to process, it to keep the dopamine level down. – When you have been on F for a while, what will happen is this: your body, soul or mind will gain more trust in the days becoming more even – and when you experience that you have less anxiety and less overwhelm, you will get more trust in the evening and night to come. When you realize that you will sleep better, will you also be able to go to bed with a feeling of calm and confidence in the night. And then the placebo-effect will also become effective – and then you  can carefully reduce the Flupenticol-effect in the daytime, if you feel that you are on a high dose.

Your brain, body, the whole of you are so used to be in the distressed state , it will need a lot of time to de-learn its automatic way of reacting. Therefore, it is advised that you must be on Flupenticol for at least one year. Look at it as your daily need.”

– – –

I am touched by the image of me and Flupenticol being partners, spending time together. It’s not “me” and “it” any longer.Duality gone. And today, in our sharing-session, Kala tells me in her sharing-time ” we ( her distressing symptom” and I need to spend time together.”

Again, I am deeply touched by the word “we”. I do not any longer feel a need to remove this medication, to be angry at it (and myself for “succumbing” to magic – I can take it with Jesus.

A big wave of release  washes over me, grateful tears come. What I miss most in life these days is the feeling that somebody is HERE – present – with me. I have a deep experience that to have somebody’s attention, or presence, I must be in pain, I must suffer – that is my raison d’ètre. I know that so often, the people I share with do not seem real to me – I have “made them up”, like imaginary play-mates …when Kala and I share like this, the very energy-field of love and Presence between us tells me that I am not alone and separated.

Also, when you report what happens with you as you listen, I sense the same happening in  my body – so I become more aware of my feelings and can anchor my body here and now. When I am with a good listener who does not think they are responsible to fix or save me, then I become safe enough to BE here and not dissociate. – – – God, what a gift this kind of  sharing is.

Ahhh..now I realize that the eternal fear in me comes from that part of me that thinks that if it talks/acts/exists/, that means that it TAKES something from others  ( and I know well that it really is God I believe I have stolen from: my whole existence here I have robbed from him, phew)  – and now I see how the victim is being made – “if I cry and suffer, then I have proved that I am worthy of attention.”

Now, this suffering identification is mighty strong in my mind – and I find that it is good to speak to it, as if it is real – as I would, to a child who has got something wrong – at least I can be the mother I wanted to myself.

I sense the deep misunderstanding and confusion this “suffering part” is in – and am filled with great compassion – the innocence of it all strikes me. Its need to hold on to suffering calls only of my tenderness. And the words come up: “there must be a better way.” Hearing this, I sense a good and strong release.

About Assisi – the leader mailed me and told me to take care of this fear before I go on retreat. Sounds very reasonable. I think that’s what I am doing now…right now, I see a double DNA helix in front of me – that might be a pointer that this theme has lodged in our DNA, and that somehow there is a development in this now.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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