a new life

Today I feel clear, calm, present with abundant energy, overview, gratefulness.

Yesterday I was violently sick in my stomach, hardly dared to breathe. My always kind and helpful and smiling doctor sent me to the hospital for ultrasound.I arrived 3 hours earlier than my appointment – no use to go home and back –  completely washed out from not sleeping the whole night before and the constant raging pains, so I asked a nurse if she could find me a place where i could lie down until my turn. She promptly found me one, and half an hour later she told me it was my turn – and it was half an hour before my appointed time! “Did you do that for me?” I asked her, and she smiled so sweetly, my god, what an angel.

I felt 10% better than in the morning. Still pains were unbearable, but her intervention had helped: now I knew there were good forces involved in the process, which meant that I could trust it.

I thought I would take a bite to eat, and went to the cafeteria, and had a nausea coming up that blocked me out for a mini-second then sent me to the toilet to throw up – but it was false alarm. Food was out of the question.

At home, I went straight to bed. I played beautiful music and took one breath after another. Dosed off in periods. Woke up by the answering machine, hearing my doc’s voice: “It’s only Dr.S. Just got your results of the blood tests. All is well. I just wanted to ask you how you are, nothing else.”

His voice made me cry – the warm consideration and care in it. He didn’t have to call, and he did.

Now a new symptom came up – acid reflux. I almost never have that, so I took it as a sign that there was a valve that had not closed properly. Did the right energy medicine procedure, and mailed all my friends in the Village (www.thevillage.com) and asked them to send loving thoughts. They did. I had a sense that this reflux was nothing to worry about, the inner disaster-maker was not given belief. Slept in periods – and woke up to a new life this morning.

I also woke up to a new structure for my book – and life-project: “When Fear Come Home to Love” which started about 17 years ago. This has been extremely difficult to structure: it is a compilation of my own and my students stories and experiences within a syndrome I have found and  named “The Jekyll and Hyde-syndrome”, where I wanted to include case-stories, theory, creative products and autobiography – and the material grew over my head already years ago. Today I saw the structure clearly: the figures in the tree ( see draft of The Image in the link) shall have each one chapter, where I will only have the stories which have the greatest potential for describing that figure: psychologically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually and the rest of the stories will be collected in my autobiography – and this biography will include part of this blog. This will at last give me opportunity to find the darlings I have to kill, to save the material from growing too much.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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