stalker

The last nights have dished out nightmares after nightmares. At least three the same night and morning. I am starting to see it as a cleansing process – these are all themes from earlier in life that I have judged as bad or unjust.

The dream this morning was pointing to the separation – believing I lost my father’s love. In the dream, an earlier boyfriend, Bill, who was an alcoholic and very unpredictable, accused me of having stalked him for a long time. He told this at an expressive arts therapy-retreat where he now was a student, and he told it in front of all the students AND the person this life that really has loved me as a father – a male professor.

The professor believed him. I had lost my father’s love. The thought was completely unbearable. I woke up from it – this was the third nightmare in a row this morning – crying wildly. Remembering that this had happened in high school too, when a girl in my class had accused me of being a slut, and suddenly a lot of people believed her. I was horrified – I thought I was a virgin at that time, having repressed my childhood completely.

Now I allowed the feelings – the feeling of being an outcast from society – and in the last dream, being separated from my beloved professor: in his eyes I now was a cowardly lunatic, and there was nothing I could do to clean my reputation.

I am not a character in a victim story. Oh let me see this differently!I am willing to be healed from this!

In this moment I see how Bill recognized in me someone who sees as her inevitable role to be a receiver of others projections, and to suffer unjustly.Somehow it felt “known.” Right now the fear around it falls away: if it happened to me now, I could talk to Bill and ask him for proof, without being accusing at all. I would feel peace, doing it. I have stopped believing it – which makes it completely different.

Why would someone do such a thing?

Because he felt guilty, suffered from paranoia and needed to project his fear and guilt on someone who was used to being a victim. This is just part of my victim-story, the story that creates an I.It has come up for me to forgive and let go, and I am more than willing to do so.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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