freeing the white reindeer

In the night, I am thinking of my therapist that I am going to see in the morning, and I am thinking about her talking, and how I felt invisible and crushed last time…I allowed the feeling to take me back to my father’s talking. It was a talking that came out of a big need to control and project his feeling of smallness on the others. Being in that moment now, a wave of murder lust and hatred flows through me – hidden from my awareness at that time. My heart-area is hurting very bad now, my throat is sore, I feel crushed in that area. I am aware now of all the stories I have made up about my father and I – the “me” and the “him” – me, the innocent victim, he the crazy violator and steamroller. Blue is nudging me to look into my wise-word-book lying by my bed. I open it at random and this is what I get:

“Keep going deeper inside to reach that loving space. Each bad feeling you find as you go in is just another ego story. See it, identify that, and throw it out because it was only made up to keep the love away. Go down another layer, the most loving space is there. Cursing your fate is denying your teacher the chance to use it. Bring it back to your mind and think about someone else’s need. This is the opposite of the ego making it about you. See the ego thought, don’t defend or repress, just recognize it as a defense against love. It is a voice against your strength, arguing for a shabby image of yourself.” Ken Wapnick in  one of the q and a’s.

In this moment, I have a revelation. I believe in what Jamie and Ken tells us: that I am not traumatized and hurt and violated by my past: I am hurting because I have chosen to push love away – and I use all these stories to do it.

The whole elaborate system of the ten archetypes constituting the psyche of a person who is either abused or is an abuser, that I describe in detail in my manuscript “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is valid and true within the dream – but outside the dream, where I really am, I can choose again. And where I am now, I know I have no use for these maneuvers any longer, and I will dive down in the layer below, to that most loving space.

The shift in my consciousness is delightful, as soon as I stop looking at my past as a therapist, and leave that way of thinking – I am just here in this moment, knowing that everything I have ever experienced has come through me.

I fall into a sweet sleep. I dream about a collective of young women. I visit their house. In the middle, it is raised a white tent made of light, almost transparent fabric – inside are soft mattresses and pillows. It exudes a sacred and joyful vibration. Inside, the 5 young women are making love – and this love is very different from what we use to call sex. There is no lust, no desire – but a sweet dear longing for the moment when one reaches the summit of ecstasy, where the two melts into One. I am a witness to this.

Then young boys are inside the house. I try to chase them out, seeing them as invaders. Impossible. Then adult men are coming in. Now I threaten with police – they just pass me quietly.

In the next moment I am back into the tent, peeking out . and the men are placed against the wall, drinking tea. They are not aroused in any way – just being positioned against the walls, as witnesses. They are supposed to just be there.

When I wake up, I register with great astonishment that this is the first time I have experienced men who have related to sex in this way. I realize that a big shift is happening in  my mind. There is a break in the dream – I am walking up the long steep road from my childhood house on my way to the train. It is winter, and deep snow. Right in front of me on the right side of the road, lies a snow-white reindeer. When I look at it, I sense waves of sacredness coming from it. It looks at me with deep love and pain – its back part is inside a big concrete boulder. I embrace it and stroke it and tell it that I love it deeply. Somehow I will help it.

(In my culture, a white reindeer is equivalent to the White Buffalo  in American Indian Tradition.)

At the shrink’s  office, I am sharing how being special because of my past and how I have managed to deal with it, has played a big deal. After studying the Course, I realize HOW important specialness is to maintain an ego. I also see that feeling this specialness – “I save my father from going mad” was the only comfort the little girl could get – it saved her from going mad, and gave her a super important job. I don’t blame her at all – but oh what a blessing it is to feel that I can start to let go of the stories – and starting to let go of having to understand – just reminding myself that at this moment, I can push love away – or fall into that deep loving space below the pain and fear.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. anne h.
    Jan 14, 2011 @ 14:22:06

    Wow Nina – Strong metaphors here !

    “I am hurting because I have chosen to push love away”
    Because we push Love away, we are hurting!


  2. Pam
    Jan 14, 2011 @ 19:21:55

    Ditto Anne. This also reminds me of my uncle that abused me and the white hot anger that I had toward him and not being able to get rid of it. I tried all kinds of stuff, even drawing pictures of his face on five gallon paint buckets and taking them out in the field and shooting them with the shotgun until they were totally shredded. Then somewhere I remember screaming “This sucks how do I quit feeling this way?” Then a short time later while in the presence of two people who knew my uncle but didn’t know about his abuse of me started talking about his father. Turns out his dad was the village drunk (really only about 85 -90 people live there at any given time) And he was so violent that none of the family would go to sleep until after he would come home in the wee hours and passout because if they did go to sleep before that he would wake them up by beating the shit out of them.
    Suddenly lots of my anger disapated because I could see my uncle as the terrified child that didn’t know what to do other than stuff his own fear and anger just to survive.
    I do not have any contact with my uncle because on the level of form he has never dealt with his own stuff and it is not wise to be around him.
    Now that I have been studying the Course I can continue to ‘deepen’ my forgiveness.
    Thank you Nina your sharing has opened this up for me to Look at again in a new way again.


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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