I am not guilty

At the shrink today I became aware HOW guilty I feel – and how this guilty-identity actually is looking for opportunities to feel its guilt, so it can think that it is real. My bud Myron once said it like this: “I create a role and then I fill my life with the proof that it is true, and everything I need to guarantee the continuation of my story.”

So – I am not my story. I am also aware that this “role” I think I am only can be healed by being given to the H.S. –  And it dawned to me today in my session that I am not guilty. It was a moment of complete strength and power when I knew that – and i became aware of how the old role looks for guilt everywhere, so she can pick it up and take it on.

The rest of the morning was used in the town where I was to sense the impulse to take on guilt, and just remind myself “I am not guilt.” Each time the same sensation of strength and truth.

I have been choosing guilt each time I have NOT said this – just to reinforce an old identity, and I don’t want to do it any longer.

***

Later in the evening…

…that sentence, “I am not guilt” is insistently repeating itself each time something in me goes into guilt and believes it. I can’t stop it now. And something sweet happened: I was looking at some  Oscar-commentators, and my first reaction was to judge them as superficial, with a smirk ( this “I” was so much deeper, see) when that little sentence came again and I suddenly noticed the beauty of those commentators.

It felt like the gentlest blessing

and I am so grateful

serious error – njae

A week ago, I had a Skype-session with a friend. As soon as I clicked on her name on Skype, the PC went light blue, and a big sign came up: SERIOUS ERROR.

There was a lot of text warnings, I started sweating, and I took it as a sign that there was a big error in the mind of the person I was Skyping with…(meaning that I had projected this big error on to her.)

So, Skype and PC was out, and I had to call her. At last I succeeded in reaching her, after ten minutes struggle.

In that session, she behaved erratically and chaotic, and  she went past the time we had agreed on for each person – which meant that I got less time than her( which turned out to be perfect: I just finished my session, feeling great!)

I now see that that sign – “serious error” – might be a sign that “both of us” have that fear of believing the TMI is real and serious – and project it on each other.

I have started blessing us both instead – and forgiving us both for still believing that ego is real.

I am still enjoying tremendously “When Fear Falls Away” by Jan Frazier, and know for sure that I want that non-ego-life that she has – and it is such a blessing to have a clear and vivid expression of how that is.

Pure joy – and no special me any longer.

I could not love this any more

seeker of truth
follow no path
all paths lead where
truth is here

~ e. e. cummings ~
(Complete Poems 1904-1962)

floating horse

There is a floating huge brown horse in my dream this morning. He looks puzzled – and so I am too. I want him down to me…or do I?

I wake up, feeling very irritated. Want to push and shove and yell at somebody. Ah – it is Claire, who simply cannot keep agreements. And I find it impossible to tell her how bad I feel about that – and how much the container for our common work together on Skype is affected if our agreements are not followed. I am so pissed at her – and also at me, for not being able to voice this in a mature way.

My shrink consents to do a role-play with me. She starts with ” Oh Ninotchka, how nice to hear your voice” and I completely lose it – how can I take this up with her, when she is so sweet? I am filled with anger, helplessness and fear – and Allie tells me to  not mind my feelings and focus on what I have decided to say.

Nobody told me that before. Its’ a bout time somebody did. Yay, Allie!

We do it again, and when the focus is there, I find the words to express in a heart-felt way, how terrible I feel when agreements are not followed. Allie does her very best to piss me off ( and succeeds when she says “Oh, I see how bad that feels for you.” I have the luxury to give my anger space and own my killing-lust( thank God it is only a role play) and after that we do it again, and I am talking out of a self-love at last, a self-respect: I have learned far too good to always mind “the others” first – and always have judged what I have felt as not deserving attention at all. How insane can you be. Anyone out there joined this club earlier ? I am resigning as member at last.

The moment I allow myself to be included in the love and care I give others, I find calm and reasonable things to say: “this is OUR agreement. I want to be able to absolutely trust that it is held.”

And Allie can’t find anymore nonsense to say, in her role.

When I close my eyes, I sense the chaos of emotions and energies inside. I decide to just let it be there.

And now I see the image of the floating horse slowly sinking down to the floor. It is my own “horsepower”, and its’ time to take a ride.

 

identity

this is from the comment of Kathleen, to “A new rhythm”:

I am so weary of my own story. The spinning thoughts and redundant “discoveries”. It is all such a load of crap flowing through my mind on any given day. None of it means anything and nobody cares if it did. I just wish it would all stop. I wish my mind would just stop. Sweet silence. Sweet nothing.

Just this morning, I had phone-sharing with a friend with the Sedona-method. When I was releasing -that is,  being asked questions if I could welcome the thoughts/images/memories that was there relating to a theme I was looking at  – and then being asked if I also could notice any attachment or aversion to it – and then asked if I could notice any feeling of me and mine about it all – this happened:

Suddenly I saw, crystal clear, that I could welcome all of it – both feelings and the resistance to themand I saw also that the identity to the story – and being sooo tired of itreally made me cling to it. I was aware of my Self as That Who  embraced all of that I saw that the story was not real and still, I noticed this part that would not let go of believing it was this body. And swoop – there I was again, “inside” the body, stories and all. I “saw” the little girl-part with the story, wanting to be loved “WITH” it – it was “hers”. Could I let her go?

***

I’ll go read more of the wonderful book, “When Fear Falls away” by Jan Frazier. I get more and more of the feeling she describes as free – as being  in the happy dream, and knowing it, knowing also that we  choose every minute our experiences. I am being reminded that I, too, deeply know how this is, since this is Who I am. I think reading her book these days made it so easy to fall into that state of right mind in my Sedona-session.

a new rhythm

A new circadian rhythm is being born, and I love it! That’s what the last pill has been doing. It has also brought up deeply repressed stuff – it seems that when it repressed the stuff that kept me from sleeping, something else popped up that I could look at (which I have done. Good girl that I am.) Before, I could only sleep feeling safe when it was daytime – now I can go to bed much earlier and get up at 9. It’s just been 28 years or so to get to this place: thanks to magic.

I am also cutting down on the meds – and even though I the last 2 days cut the meds in half, I still could sleep – oh wonder! And this morning I had a lucid dream – oh how I love those.

Dream:

I am phoning my first love, who is babysitting for a friend. When he hears my voice, he cannot speak, and I hear his breath – the fast rhythm, the depth of feelings underneath it. I am deeply touched, and this is transferred to him without words. His breathing slows down, and I very tenderly say goodbye. Feeling that I have finally put something behind me.

In the next dream sequence I have a big farm – seems that it is a kind of spiritual and creative retreat-place. It mixes with the place I live now: the farm seems to be another reality parallel with this, situated in the same place, just another level of consciousness. Two small girls come in, confused, sad, disconnected – I ask for their mothers, but they don’t know where they are. I take care of them and enter the living room, which now is a large room for retreat-members. Along three of the walls are mattresses, and side by side, about 30-40 people are sleeping/waking up when I enter the room. I do not get mad when  I see these people in my home – I do not perceive them as invaders, as before, I call them friends and mean it.

I now notice that my living room has been completely made over – and the leader of this operation has been the young Adam Arkin ( he’s about 35 in my dream.) I notice that he has made some great improvements in the  furnishing – and also looked out for me for better deals/ variations of the stuff I already have. very thoughtful and ingenious done – and caring, too!

There’s a huge chandelier with thousands of small white candles hanging from the roof – and I recognize my husband Kip’s model of the chandelier to the play “Molière” by Bulgakov, that we did at the start of the eighties. Adam says “well that production did not get rave critics” and I say, that doesn’t matter at all – this chandelier is the masterpiece for me!”

At this time I get the strong impression that I must be dreaming. I start to look for signs that I am – but the materiality of stuff is exactly the same as I feel when I am “awake” – so I simply cannot be dreaming! I notice Adam’s clothes in detail – his light blue denim shirt and jeans – I will get his phone-nr and call him later in the day, checking if he had these clothes on today, because that is surely a sign that I have not been dreaming.

And then I wake up – remembering the very convincing illusion that I could touch and feel and smell and hear and see – realizing that there was no difference in perception at all between the dream and “this” level of perception.

No wonder we are fooled.

vampire and angel

Just started a new book: When fear falls away by Jan Frazier. She describes how, after a long ordeal with breast cancer, mammograms and biopsies, and hyperventilating from fear – she then got the idea to pray a little prayer – she did not know to whom – and said” could I maybe do this tomorrow (another mammogram) without being terrified?”

She literally felt the fear slide off her – and it left for good. The rest of the book is how she learned to live the “happy dream” – and how the world is not different, but the eyes that look are. To be able to take her descriptions inside is wonderful for me.

I started to voice my prayer, how much I wanted to see everything and everybody different.

I did not take my medication this day – because I am going to the dentist tomorrow, and he might give me anesthetic – and I don’t know if they mix well. In spite of not taking a pill – in three months now, I think – I still slept fairly well. But toward the morning, the fear attack set in, catastrophizing about having to pull all my teeth. The fear felt exactly like  a poisoned pole through my heart, sticking out of my back. I got the thought that I somewhere must believe I am a Dracula, being stopped in my vampirism.  That did not remove the fear or pain.

Blue said: What you seem to be experiencing has all gone by: what you are seeing is the past. Could you forgive yourself for believing the fear is still there? And could you forgive yourself for believing that you are a body ( and wanting to be one?)

This incarnation, I truly have experienced the archetype of the vampire or Dracula – no wonder it is in my psyche. And also, the Course would say that as the Son of God, we believe that we have vampirized God – and here I lay in bed now, being punished and killed with a pole through my heart.

How does it feel to be a vampire? lonely, very very lonely.

There seems to be so much identity in this vampire – truly guilty and abominable and deserving eternal damnation. Who would I be without this story? would there even be a me left?

I am presenting these images and the identity-beliefs to Jesus. I allow the feelings and fear to be there, and also hear an inner clear voice saying NO to that identity. It is not a NO that is opposed to anything, that has to prove something, that comes from fear. It just states a fact.

I become aware that the fear is part of an addiction: my pain-body, as Eckhart Tolle names it, craves it for its food.

I fall asleep, as the chest-pain is abating when not opposed, and have this dream:

I am in a creative process with spontaneous drama and dance with a group of people I don’t recognize. My professor from my education is there as the leader – and also an inspector or supervisor.

There  is a tall angel there, with big clumsy stiff wings. In the play, I am kissing one of his wings at the top where it bends – this muscle with enormous lifting power –  stroking it, warming it, waking it up. It starts to come alive, it remembers being a real wing.

The Angel is gorgeous: a wild and unruly shock of auburn curls. His naked chest also has this auburn hair. His body is exuding an intense longing to be free of the earth-bound shape – it is his spirit, his joy and love for play and fun are shining through his form. This is what I have been kissing alive – this I want – this I want!

I notice that my top or bra has fallen off, and it’s part of the dance now. There is something radiantly white and shiny about my body.We have danced the whole circle now, and the performance is coming to an end. Then I see that there is a low fence there, and behind it are two figures struggling/fighting. The Inspector tells me that the play cannot end before these two figures are included.

I wake up, and know the figures were one of my brothers and I – the one I lived with, and loved so much, 8 years older than me. I am about 9, he about 17. I don’t remember one single time we fought – he was always my big brother and on  my side. These days – he isn’t any more: he refuses to let go of the image of the good father he got the last month when he lived with my dying father – and refuses to answer  my mails or letters.

This is my dream of loss.

I want to wake up

and see everything very differently –

as Jan Frazier describes in her book.

P.S: the dentist did a thorough examination, and found nothing wrong at all.

It’s all in the mind, hunh?

Our power to learn

“The lessons you have taught
yourself have been so over-learned and fixed they rise like heavy curtains to obscure the simple and the obvious. Say not you cannot learn them. For your power to learn is strong enough to teach you that your will is not your own,your thoughts do not belong to you, and even you are someone else.”
(T-31.1.2:7– 3:6)

pressure valued

Sitting with Sudoku this morning, a difficult one – and sensing the pressure around doing it…and the awaited release of that pressure. I realized that this had become an identity:”the pressured one” – and some parts of me l i k e d pressure, and saw it as “food”. An inner melody in this goes: “I must must must – or else” – this must-urge comes from something defying death, making death very real indeed.

I think of the urge in plants in spring to grow – this”must must must grow” seems to me to come from joy and longing for the sun, to break out in joy of just existence, and meet its colorful brothers and sisters.

I have once experienced the joy and adoration of God from Nature – something I will never forget.

The”must ” of pressure is a voice from a story of deadly fear, and of an ego who takes its pride in “surviving” and “making it.”

I become aware of situations where I habitually create pressure -and tell myself, I must do this, it is who I am. Sometimes I feel calm,, and then get a strong urge to do Sudoku at the same time that I see a movie. That creates a cruel pressure- and parts of me say, “if you survive this pressure, you are free.” Psychologically, that comes from childhood – metaphysically, I created that by my choice for ego – and now I have a choice, each time I become aware that I am in the middle of it again: choose to let it be there, without acting from it – or choosing to let it go. The last still feels like something I “should do” – meaning more pressure – just letting it be here feels like looking with Jesus: no agenda –

-and big tensions are leaving, just by writing this

projections falling

At the shrink’s today, I actually asked to use the Sedona question to me – “Could you welcome that feeling” –   whatever came. Saying yes or no was not the question, that I had the power to choose, was. Every “no” created a release in the nervous system too – just the knowledge that I can choose whatever I want, is liberating. And the “no”s turned into yes, eventually. The judgments did not stick – I felt free.

Then at one time, I “saw” my mother and all the  facial expressions she used to control me  with when I felt anxious ( so she could believe that she was normal, I was the crazy one). I saw- and sensed in my nervous system – how I had bought all of that: I was stupid, hopeless, bad, shameless, too demanding, not normal. On a psychological level, she projected all these guilt-names  on me, so she could stay “normal” and safe.

I sensed how important it was , and is, for the child, to believe its parent – to believe that the parent makes wise choices and knows best. Today, I sensed the wild confusion in my head at hearing that I was stupid: something inside, that was not ego, said, “but I know I am not. Why is she saying I am?”

At this time, I remembered in my body and mind how I had made the choice to take her words for it – it felt much safer to believe her, than the  voice inside. And my body, in the now, could sense how all those projections were bought and received by this body – and that I could let them go now. The energetic release felt beautiful – and simple. I had just been wrong, and my parents had just done what every living person do to their children: project their own unwanted pain and guilt. And I had chosen them to do that

But it is all untrue; we are all innocent, and the holiness is present in us all.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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