projections falling

At the shrink’s today, I actually asked to use the Sedona question to me – “Could you welcome that feeling” –   whatever came. Saying yes or no was not the question, that I had the power to choose, was. Every “no” created a release in the nervous system too – just the knowledge that I can choose whatever I want, is liberating. And the “no”s turned into yes, eventually. The judgments did not stick – I felt free.

Then at one time, I “saw” my mother and all the  facial expressions she used to control me  with when I felt anxious ( so she could believe that she was normal, I was the crazy one). I saw- and sensed in my nervous system – how I had bought all of that: I was stupid, hopeless, bad, shameless, too demanding, not normal. On a psychological level, she projected all these guilt-names  on me, so she could stay “normal” and safe.

I sensed how important it was , and is, for the child, to believe its parent – to believe that the parent makes wise choices and knows best. Today, I sensed the wild confusion in my head at hearing that I was stupid: something inside, that was not ego, said, “but I know I am not. Why is she saying I am?”

At this time, I remembered in my body and mind how I had made the choice to take her words for it – it felt much safer to believe her, than the  voice inside. And my body, in the now, could sense how all those projections were bought and received by this body – and that I could let them go now. The energetic release felt beautiful – and simple. I had just been wrong, and my parents had just done what every living person do to their children: project their own unwanted pain and guilt. And I had chosen them to do that

But it is all untrue; we are all innocent, and the holiness is present in us all.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Kathleen Campbell
    Feb 10, 2011 @ 20:10:04

    I read that the child of a narcissist either becomes a narcissist in self defense, or a neurotic who spends much of their lives believing what was hammered into them as children. I am so glad your mind chose not to fight fire with fire. You are a strong and powerful example of love and forgiveness Nina. Choosing to see your childhood differently and learning it is what you chose for yourself and why you chose it. (to live as a victim) Your egoself gave you a very effective villain to hang all of your ills on. Forgiving this is a monumental task. If ever you need help with this, please don’t hesitate to ask.
    Kathleen

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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