pressure valued

Sitting with Sudoku this morning, a difficult one – and sensing the pressure around doing it…and the awaited release of that pressure. I realized that this had become an identity:”the pressured one” – and some parts of me l i k e d pressure, and saw it as “food”. An inner melody in this goes: “I must must must – or else” – this must-urge comes from something defying death, making death very real indeed.

I think of the urge in plants in spring to grow – this”must must must grow” seems to me to come from joy and longing for the sun, to break out in joy of just existence, and meet its colorful brothers and sisters.

I have once experienced the joy and adoration of God from Nature – something I will never forget.

The”must ” of pressure is a voice from a story of deadly fear, and of an ego who takes its pride in “surviving” and “making it.”

I become aware of situations where I habitually create pressure -and tell myself, I must do this, it is who I am. Sometimes I feel calm,, and then get a strong urge to do Sudoku at the same time that I see a movie. That creates a cruel pressure- and parts of me say, “if you survive this pressure, you are free.” Psychologically, that comes from childhood – metaphysically, I created that by my choice for ego – and now I have a choice, each time I become aware that I am in the middle of it again: choose to let it be there, without acting from it – or choosing to let it go. The last still feels like something I “should do” – meaning more pressure – just letting it be here feels like looking with Jesus: no agenda –

-and big tensions are leaving, just by writing this

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathleen Campbell
    Feb 11, 2011 @ 23:03:48

    Some of this sounds like OCD or at least “magical thinking” where you believe you must complete some ritualistic behavior like Sudoku during a movie to receive an award or avoid punishment. To be safe. I say this because I had my own rituals and recognize one when I see it.

    I too had a very mystical experience involving nature. When I was a small girl, my baby sitter told me to squeeze some pine needles and smell them. When I did this, I got an image of the “smell” going into my nose and throughout my body. I was suddenly the tree and it was me. Now I was far to young and unsophisticated to understand what this was. I told my babysitter it made me a tree and she laughed.


    • littlesister
      Feb 11, 2011 @ 23:18:18

      ritualistic behavior to feel safe – spot on, Kathleen! I am just looking at it, still not haven’t reached the place underneath it that spells panic. -So this means that all the pressure that i constantly feel is seen by “me” as a necessary veil – or brick wall – between panic and “me.”
      And writing that, I sense a big smile somewhere – like somebody knows it’s not believable any longer.
      Thanks. Kath


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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