a new rhythm

A new circadian rhythm is being born, and I love it! That’s what the last pill has been doing. It has also brought up deeply repressed stuff – it seems that when it repressed the stuff that kept me from sleeping, something else popped up that I could look at (which I have done. Good girl that I am.) Before, I could only sleep feeling safe when it was daytime – now I can go to bed much earlier and get up at 9. It’s just been 28 years or so to get to this place: thanks to magic.

I am also cutting down on the meds – and even though I the last 2 days cut the meds in half, I still could sleep – oh wonder! And this morning I had a lucid dream – oh how I love those.

Dream:

I am phoning my first love, who is babysitting for a friend. When he hears my voice, he cannot speak, and I hear his breath – the fast rhythm, the depth of feelings underneath it. I am deeply touched, and this is transferred to him without words. His breathing slows down, and I very tenderly say goodbye. Feeling that I have finally put something behind me.

In the next dream sequence I have a big farm – seems that it is a kind of spiritual and creative retreat-place. It mixes with the place I live now: the farm seems to be another reality parallel with this, situated in the same place, just another level of consciousness. Two small girls come in, confused, sad, disconnected – I ask for their mothers, but they don’t know where they are. I take care of them and enter the living room, which now is a large room for retreat-members. Along three of the walls are mattresses, and side by side, about 30-40 people are sleeping/waking up when I enter the room. I do not get mad when  I see these people in my home – I do not perceive them as invaders, as before, I call them friends and mean it.

I now notice that my living room has been completely made over – and the leader of this operation has been the young Adam Arkin ( he’s about 35 in my dream.) I notice that he has made some great improvements in the  furnishing – and also looked out for me for better deals/ variations of the stuff I already have. very thoughtful and ingenious done – and caring, too!

There’s a huge chandelier with thousands of small white candles hanging from the roof – and I recognize my husband Kip’s model of the chandelier to the play “Molière” by Bulgakov, that we did at the start of the eighties. Adam says “well that production did not get rave critics” and I say, that doesn’t matter at all – this chandelier is the masterpiece for me!”

At this time I get the strong impression that I must be dreaming. I start to look for signs that I am – but the materiality of stuff is exactly the same as I feel when I am “awake” – so I simply cannot be dreaming! I notice Adam’s clothes in detail – his light blue denim shirt and jeans – I will get his phone-nr and call him later in the day, checking if he had these clothes on today, because that is surely a sign that I have not been dreaming.

And then I wake up – remembering the very convincing illusion that I could touch and feel and smell and hear and see – realizing that there was no difference in perception at all between the dream and “this” level of perception.

No wonder we are fooled.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathleen Campbell
    Feb 21, 2011 @ 04:53:16

    I remember before I found DU and ACIM feeling too self absorbed. I even had therapists suggest I look outside myself once in a while. Now I have learned that there is nobody else here but me. So there is no such thing as being too self absorbed right? But I am now so absorbed into the minutia of my every action, reaction, and feeling that I can no longer see anything outside of me. And not in a good way. I am so weary of my own story. The spinning thoughts and redundant “discoveries”. It is all such a load of crap flowing through my mind on any given day. None of it means anything and nobody cares if it did. I just wish it would all stop. I wish my mind would just stop. Sweet silence. Sweet nothing.

    Reply

  2. Pam
    Feb 21, 2011 @ 17:25:08

    {{{Kathleen}}} I can sooo relate. I think you’re right no such thing as being to self absorbed- it just is and is an automatic given. The point that I’m just starting to get is am I allowing myself to “absorb” into the lower case self or the upper case Self. I’m already absorbed in the lower case self it’s just that I managed to “numb” myself out to that fact. It’s like having a rock in your shoe and taking pain pills so you can forget that you have a rock (ego) in your shoe (body). Then Jesus (upper case Self) comes along and talks you (decision maker) into backing off on the pills so you can become aware of the rock and the pain it causes. Then it’s a thing of fewer pills ,more pills, fewer pills back and forth for awhile. Eventually we get to the point that we are willing to sit down( being still) to take some of the presurre off temporarily and at least discuss the possibility of getting rid of the rock. Then we get up and walk some more which equals more pain until we basically get sick and tired of being sick and tired, enough to finally stop and let J take our shoe off and throw it and the rock away.

    Anyway this is where I’m at so far.

    Reply

  3. littlesister
    Feb 21, 2011 @ 19:42:56

    Pam, I love the-stone-in-the-show*-metaphor! How much the Course comes alive for me when I am offered metaphors. I will reminder myself to “take off the shoe” now – instead of “I can have peace instead of this” which seems too over the top. But taking off the shoe* ( hah! I wrote show!) is an invitation to be gentle with myself and the pain I am feeling, and to invite Blue to do the healing.

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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