floating horse

There is a floating huge brown horse in my dream this morning. He looks puzzled – and so I am too. I want him down to me…or do I?

I wake up, feeling very irritated. Want to push and shove and yell at somebody. Ah – it is Claire, who simply cannot keep agreements. And I find it impossible to tell her how bad I feel about that – and how much the container for our common work together on Skype is affected if our agreements are not followed. I am so pissed at her – and also at me, for not being able to voice this in a mature way.

My shrink consents to do a role-play with me. She starts with ” Oh Ninotchka, how nice to hear your voice” and I completely lose it – how can I take this up with her, when she is so sweet? I am filled with anger, helplessness and fear – and Allie tells me to  not mind my feelings and focus on what I have decided to say.

Nobody told me that before. Its’ a bout time somebody did. Yay, Allie!

We do it again, and when the focus is there, I find the words to express in a heart-felt way, how terrible I feel when agreements are not followed. Allie does her very best to piss me off ( and succeeds when she says “Oh, I see how bad that feels for you.” I have the luxury to give my anger space and own my killing-lust( thank God it is only a role play) and after that we do it again, and I am talking out of a self-love at last, a self-respect: I have learned far too good to always mind “the others” first – and always have judged what I have felt as not deserving attention at all. How insane can you be. Anyone out there joined this club earlier ? I am resigning as member at last.

The moment I allow myself to be included in the love and care I give others, I find calm and reasonable things to say: “this is OUR agreement. I want to be able to absolutely trust that it is held.”

And Allie can’t find anymore nonsense to say, in her role.

When I close my eyes, I sense the chaos of emotions and energies inside. I decide to just let it be there.

And now I see the image of the floating horse slowly sinking down to the floor. It is my own “horsepower”, and its’ time to take a ride.

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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