wanting to be controlled

This is, in short, why we are here. Or – wanting control – which I have found is the same thing, just the other side of a disposable coin.

This theme is playing itself out perfectly these days with Claire in our Sedona-process. She has the role of the controller – she wants me to ask her ONLY “these” questions” in “this” way – and her irritation builds, when I don’t immediately comply.  I don’t because I get paralyzed by fear: I recognize the control-pattern from childhood.

Expectations and control put me in jail – but only as long as I don’t see that this is in fact my choice.

So – here I am – sitting down with it, and sensing into my very marrow how much i want to be controlled.

Sensing also that this “i” is not who I am. I am, says Jesus, the Light of the World. And so is of course Claire too – she provides the classroom for me, where I at last without any defense see and sense how much I want to believe I am the innocent victim -and she the bad bad controller.

I see the consequence of that choice: this intense rage, murder-lust and terror, depending on where I have chosen to place my “identity.” The feeling of absolute powerlessness and  deadly fear as the victim  this is the consequences of my choice to step away from Heaven – or rather, to believe that that choice could have more power than God’s choice for me.

I also realize how much I have controlled myself – and – sigh- how much i controlled my daughter, in the belief that I taught her to be careful. I see how much I am controlling myself right now – thinking “I should NEVER have done that” – coming down on myself as a ton of bricks.

Jesus is smiling and patting my head. “Isn’t it good it is just a dream?”

Yes it is



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Pam
    Mar 02, 2011 @ 16:56:13

    Ooh, a new awareness. I’ve heard the axiom, opposite side of the same coin, thousands of times in various forms but you are the first to add the word **disposable**. It never occurred to me I could dispose of the proverbial coin.

    I’m just getting the unconcious connection to coin = money and money is “powerful” and “precious” not to be disposed of = thrown away = worthless.

    In fact here in the USA the money to God connection is so tight that we even print “In God We Trust” on our money.

    And your second to last paragraph great reminder for me also.


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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