Jumanji: you can’t stop playing until you have won

The last days, the neck-area  and head have been very very painful. I see how wise it is to trust the wisdom of this process. This blog started with this:

Aug.17th 2010  I am starting a blog: little sister. It seems important for me to feel «hidden» here – I still have this old fear of being stalked, found out, caught and raped and all that. And today it dawned on me that the stiffening and pain in the neck that I feel constantly, and which brings so much painful heavy headiness, may be connected to me hiding in my head – in dissociation – in fleeing from Love, believing it to be attack.

This insight feels great: the feeling of HAVING to hide or else, does NOT come from truth:just a very old memory of believing a tiny mad idea.

In short: it is not serious.

Then follows April 16th 2011:

I am toning in the morning – huge pains in the right side of my body.  “Maybe I don’t need this any longer.” I hear another voice telling me that it needs my body for its life-force not to disappear into evil. These pains in the right side of the body is a way “it” occupies my body. – I recognize this part as a former incarnation-”me” – and I see that I identified with a belief, made in fear. And that is what we did, as the Son of God.This identification with intense fear does not come from truth, it is just a belief with no truth in it. I do not need any longer to feed it with my belief in it. I have made this fear real and called it me. It is just imagination and I let it go. I forgive myself for wanting to be guilty.

I suddenly know, while toning, that the trauma that caused me to lose my singing voice when I was 25, has been of such magnitude that just trying to sing hurt so much that I gave it up. That’s why I spaced out each time I tried to work with the voice later. Literally disappeared from the body.

As soon as this insight arises, my heart starts to beat ferociously and tears are pouring.I want to  sit kindly with it and do not believe it is real: just an old trauma, and me having enough heart for it to come up now- to find all the beliefs I have about this and forgiving them. I am looking forward to it, and something moves softly inside, trusting me not to push it back again. I do not need to take it seriously – but meeting it with Love is a decision.

today, April the 28th:

In the night, the same unbearable pain everywhere as usual. Asking H.S.for help -hearing: “The solution is at the same place as the problem, Which one do you want to keep?” When I chose the solution, tensions and pain started leaving. I talked to “that” which I had judged so strongly that it now had fled into my neck and head and hid there. I told it I saw how it related to the trauma that led to me loosing my voice, and that I offered forgiveness to anything I seemingly had made – and for still believing in separation. I told “it” that I wanted it to become visible so it could be free. And I asked Blue what he wanted me to see this very moment.

He told me to go into the living room and read Jumanji, that I had picked up on a Library flee-market the same day. I opened the pages randomly and put a finger on a page and turned the light on. I read: “This is very important: when a round of Jumanji has begun, it can not be completed before one of the players arrives to the golden city.” (This is my translation from Norwegian.) Peter moves to square seven, and reads ” Lion attacks, move two squares back.”

And it turns out that everything that is mentioned in the game, becomes real for the players: now the lion is roaring on top of the piano.

And the paragraph that I had pointed to, was this:

“I don’t think” said Peter, while gasping for air, “that I …want to…play this…game anymore.”

“But we have to” said Judy, while helping Peter down the stairs.” I am certain that this is what is meant in the instructions. That lion will not disappear until one of us win the game.”

This is what Blue wants me to remember: I have started to play, I must play by His rules, and I will enter the golden City.

So I go back to bed and am prepared for a dream. It was a dream with  sickening perversities and insanity from a dark astral level. It took place in my house and whatever I did to chase these creatures out of my house, it was to no avail.

When I woke up, ca 80 % of the pain in the neck had gone. I saw that part of my identity had been stuck in this astral region, and carried tremendous pain. I presented “her” fears and beliefs to Blue and asked for correction: I am playing the game. Or script. All I want to do is take her in my arms and tell her that that dream is just a dream, and it is safe to wake up to Love. I don’t think I have to remember the original trauma that put that pain inside my neckI just see very clearly that I am innocent, and that I need to forgive my perceptions. It is just a consequence of choosing ego – and it is in the past.

it’s just illusion

As I was walking up the steep dirt-trail to the mountain behind my house, I asked Blue what he wanted me to know today – and I asked for an image again. I saw the prop-barn again: I am told that I am walking inside an illusion. I reminds myself that I might as well enjoy it – but nothing I see is real.

So, a man passes me. After a minute I want to take a picture of the trail – and the man will be in it. Well, OK.

But he isn’t.

I take three more photos: he isn’t in any of them. And either my camera has something really strange going on – or there was no man.

And so…this photo I took of one of my favorite flowers, peeking up from under the dead leaves, shall be a metaphor for what’s real under the layers of death.

Happy Easter everyone!

the boulder

In the night, the pains and tensions were bad again – and so it came to me to ask Blue what He wanted me to see.This is a good idea: I relate more visually than auditory.

He showed me a BIG boulder in a ravine – it was stuck halfway down. I immediately remembered a wonderful experience from childhood: We were a bunch of children on our way home from school, when we decided to explore an old barn at the dirt-road. We managed to find a hole in the floor to crawl up through – and I was the first, happily reporting that we had found a wonderful magical place!

This was the home of illusions. The National Theater stored its sets and costumes there! I recognized many familiar sets from plays I had loved – and relevant for this post is the big boulder made from papmaché. I still remember the look on my friends’ faces when I held it high in the air!

This was the boulder in the ravine. It is illusion. Only my belief that these pains and tensions are powerful in themselves can hurt me – which means that it is only my belief that hurts me.

I will simply not take it seriously.

forgiving my mother

I met a beloved niece yesterday. She told me that the last 5 years of my mother’s life, where I refused to see her at all, she had accepted my wish to be separate. BIG surprise! My niece shared details from those last years of my mother – she knew she was dying (ALS) – and how she prepared for death with simplicity and dignity.

All my guilt fell away: the separation was gift to both of us, preventing us to go on with all the projecting.

My niece told me that she had dreamt about my mother, soon after her death: she stood, radiantly, in a field of Forget-me-not-s – and told my niece, “Forget me not!”

I felt like a mild wind caress my cheek and smiled – my whole backyard is filled with Forget-me-nots.

I was thinking about how much living close together makes it almost impossible to see each other clearly – I recently saw how  close relatives seemingly were only able to see each other through their own perception. From each of them, I got 4  versions of their relationship – and each of them are vastly different. Who is right? no one – they see their own guilt projected outwards and react to it, and “being right” cements their “reality.” – This reminds me of the excellent series “Everybody loves Raymond”: nothing I have seen shows family dynamics of guilt and living-too-close and living in a soup of projections more magnificently. If you ever get to see episode 116, the Can, you have everything Freud taught, and to  my knowledge (I have read most of him) more elegantly and funny portrayed.

I also see how much breaking out has helped the “breaker” to start seeing her own patterns – and attracting a new partner with whom she feels free.

The Boggart

My friend Kathleen allows me to post this excellent example from the Harry Potter-books:

This puts me in mind of the “Potter” novels and a critter called a boggart.  It hides its true self in cupboards, closets, and other
dark places.  When it emerges, it takes the image of whatever
you fear the most.  The spell used to dispatch a boggart is to
turn the frightening image into something comical while
speaking the incantation:  “riddikulus”.  Laughter is what kills
it.

And reading about Boggarts, I remember the feeling I got when reading about  Dementors: Rowling must have experienced them herself to be able to describe them so accurately. Another example of how exact the creative mind can be, and how it in fact describes more, as I see it, than the medical description of depression.

Thank God I am only dreaming all of it up – including a” Nina” who chooses to relate to Boggarts and Dementors as if they are real and have power.

Rev.Myrons answer to “the first shock”

(I tried to post this as a comment, but it turns up with my gravatar on it, so here it is in stead – so very helpful for me:)

Thanks for sharing that experience and the revelation in brought you.  I have been practicing from The Teachings of Inner Ramana, and he said something about pain that is very helpful to me.

“If you place your identity with the false identity “I” in the thinking mind, then you experience everything it thinks up to prove that it exists. You are fully invested in it, and you fully experience all of its experiences….. You see, the answer is this: The answer is to realize that it is not you…. As you realize the illusion is illusion, and it is not you, you are not affected by its dreams because you have found your Self to be beyond them and before them and above them. Your mind (attention) is anchored at a depth where they do not exist. Therefore, they touch you not.”
I think that this is why the pain fell away from me and from you. We chose, at least for that moment in time, to exist as if we are free in spite of the ego’s proof” that we are our body. We did not buy the story, and so we were at least briefly, letting go of the “I” identity, and so were free from the experience of the body. Each time we are willing to turn our back on the ego thoughts our willingness grows stronger, and the ego’s hold on us grows weaker.
Love,
Rev. Myron

the first shock of the Son of God

I had a wonderful dream about living in a collective for women. It was so cosy, so filled with trust and kindness and straightness, and I loved it so much.

I then woke up with a severe pain in my spleen and solar plexus. I remember Myron’s blog for lesson 107:

This morning as I read the lesson I was distracted by a fierce headache which seemed to mock my efforts to do the lesson. Finally, I stopped trying to hide from the pain and decided to embrace it as the effect of the error I have chosen to experience in the moment. I sat in the pain willing to be the “love which does not falter in the face of pain” and to trust that “truth will correct all errors in my mind.”
I was not looking for a cure for the pain, or to see the pain magically disappear, but rather my intention was to be willing to “look beyond it, steadily and sure.” However, I was not disappointed that the pain did immediately fall away, and I could not help but notice what a lovely thing painlessness is. I would be willing to live without pain.

I know that the pain comes from “grabbing ego’s guilt-bag” as Jamie used to say. It looked for guilt, it was too much harmony in that dream-collective. I want to be here as the Love Who does not falter, and I am looking through this and beyond it, and remember that Truth will correct all errors in my mind.

It feels very different being present that being ego, doing its healing-things. Clear thoughts come – once again I sense the attachment to the old incarnation- me who needs my body to hide herself from insanity ( oh the first fear in the separation comes to mind – THIS is it, of course!) I am understanding it just by writing it down right now! I have attached a “me”-to it – identified with ego – no wonder I was afraid of losing the fear=”me”!

I attached a “me” to the fear, and protected it, and made it real, and tried to “therapize” it – and all I need to do, is acknowledge that it is here, and look through it and past it, as the Love Who does not falter.

Well – there is something holding on to that story.  I am afraid that if I let go of this story, my  imagination will also be lost – no more creative expressions or crazy-wise stories – no more fun! No more art!

I sense a smile inside. “The ego is telling you that you need that old horror-story you believed in, as a Son of God, to keep your creativity. Sounds like a prison, not the joy and freedom in Heaven. – You are very close to that place where you see that this horror-scene never happened in reality – it only felt like it, because you believed in what the ego was telling you about being guilty and having to hide in a body.”

I feel tremendous relieved by understanding that this horror-scenario does not belong to “Nina” – it is the experience of the Son of God, when the ego was believed in.

And now I gratefully give this belief to the Holy Spirit, to undo for me – and also all the consequences of my decision.

(And yes, the physical pain abated.)

Let me be still and listen to the truth

This morning, noticing judgments arising – there was another Voice present at the same time: Maybe you don’t need the judgments. And I didn’t. Reading the paper, judgments came back – but I did not have to attach to them. Wonderful freeing feeling.

I saw a video with Stephen and Ondrea Levine yesterday. The Levine’s experience from their work with the dying is that pauses are a vital part of the spiritual practice. We DO take on other people’s pain when we work deeply, they say – and that is OK, because when we do not resist it, it releases.  I noticed a big space within me opening up: I now SEE that pauses are vital and healing, and not a waste of time. Maybe you don’t need that belief any longer

Instead of identifying with the chaos of the world, I now manage to sit still and be with it – knowing that I do not need to think that “it” is “me” any longer. I do need to make space for these pauses, though – and to start to consciously remind myself that THIS is spiritual work: not all the reading.

Just sitting –  noticing that now I am in a sacred pause, and so let go of everything. It is immensely relaxing.

I open today’s lesson:

Lesson 106:

W-pI.106.1. If you will lay aside the ego’s voice, however loudly it may seem to call, if you will not accept its petty gifts that give you nothing that you really want; if you will listen with an open mind, that has not told you what salvation is; then you will hear the mighty Voice of truth, quiet in power, strong in stillness, and completely certain in Its messages.

How sweet to notice that I am already working on this theme. To see how I subconsciously have known it – and am already dipping into the them, even before refreshing the lesson. It is very comforting to know that on some level I know each and every lesson already.

*

I am toning in the morning – huge pains in the right side of my body.  “Maybe I don’t need this any longer.” I hear another voice telling me that it needs my body for its life-force not to disappear into evil. These pains in the right side of the body is a way “it” occupies my body. – I recognize this part as a former incarnation-“me” – and I see that I identified with a belief, made in fear. And that is what we did, as the Son of God.This identification with intense fear does not come from truth, it is just a belief with no truth in it. I do not need any longer to feed it with my belief in it. I have made this fear real and called it me. It is just imagination and I let it go. I forgive myself for wanting to be guilty.

I suddenly know, while toning, that the trauma that caused me to loose my singing voice when I was 25, has been of such magnitude that just trying to sing hurt so much that I gave it up. That’s why I spaced out each time I tried to work with the voice later. Literally disappeared from the body.

As soon as this insight arises, my heart starts to beat ferociously and tears are pouring.I want to  sit kindly with it and do not believe it is real: just an old trauma, and me having enough heart for it to come up now- to find all the beliefs I have about this and forgiving them. I am looking forward to it, and something moves softly inside, trusting me not to push it back again. I do not need to take it seriously – but meeting it with Love is a decision.

Reading my favorite comics to breakfast: Stephen Pastis “Pearls before Swine.”

Pig and Rat sits beside each other on bar-stools with a cup of tea. Rat tells his house-mate and friend Pig: “All my problems have to do with the people I know. I need to get rid of these problems.” Pig turns his friendly face to Rat and asks, “Do you have any ideas?” and Rat pushes Pig off the  bar-stool. Rat looks at Pig on the floor and says, “that’s all I have for now.”

opening to God’s love

Just listened to one of the worlds greatest singers. Listening to Sjaliapin, the great bass from the early 20th century, I sense a phenomenal presence, and an enormous heart. Listening to him, I am practicing opening to God’s love: this is for me something like that would feel like

lesson 105

I so love what the speaker says – that when you give the orangutan a candy, he breaks it in two and gives you back half of it…

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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