not me or mine II

Feeling horrible all night, all day – just wanted to leap out of my body. But this is not about the body at all –  it is about me identifying with whatever goes on in my mind and thinking it belongs to me.

I started this blog with these words:

Little sister...because I still mostly treat Jesus as my big brother whom I trust completely. I want his warm trustworthy hand holding and leading me. Mostly I call him Blue, after a figure I painted in an image  about 20 years ago of a tree with many strange inhabitants. Under the root – in the subconscious – were several dark figures, and a trapped child, waiting for the next attack by insanity. There was also Blue, who was silently smilingly present to it all, witnessing, radiating unconditional Love. Why was He smiling? He knew it was only a dream.

Several days now I have noticed this dark something, and prayed and prayed for help to release it. Today, in the food-market, it became clear where these thoughts and sensations and images came from. I was waiting in  the line before the cashier, and little girl about 2-3 years was sitting in trolley ?() in front of me. I was looking at her spread legs – and  felt a strong impulse to penetrate her and then kill her. At the same time, I felt peace, even gratefulness: at last I could simple be with these impulses without mixing identity into the situation.

I have used at least 30 years to relate to these internalizations from my past. I had a father who swore that I always belonged to him, even when he died – and that when I died, he would get me. I had several men who objected me to unthinkable cruelty and abuse, and whose energies I absorbed and identified with as “dirty-guilty-deserving of punishment.” I have trained both as therapist and in Mystery-schools to find ways to relate to darkness and see through it – and in these trainings and practices, I have noticed what Jesus talks about – when judgment falls away, and I simply know that the crazyinsane energy does not belong to a me or a you -( it can only stick to us if we think we are guilty/sinful) – I can forgive my perception and images of the inner rapist/killer.

I realize that it all comes through me – and that it is kind of like a spell. When I perceive the world with eyes from a traumatized child-identity, of course these images/thought-forms/ entities / whatever are invited into “my” mind: I have told myself and the mind that I believe in them, that they are real. And here we go on the roller-coaster – the mind creates images to fit that false belief, and the ego-thought-system is fed and rollin’.

I realize that the agony/sleeplessness/crazy-insane dreams, the suicidal thoughts, the feelings of utter meaninglessness – they are the essence of the rapist/dominator-archetype.

So what I do today, is to be with these inner sensations/images/thoughts in all their hideousness – removing the label of hideousness and  forgiving the energy. Forgiving myself for making up this story of attackers and victims, and forgiving each and every thought I notice, giving them over as they come.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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