an explosion of creativity

After the last days in hell, yesterday evening something felt different: I was feeling drowsy. Not the usual bummed- out- over-tired feeling at all – and so I went to bed at nine pm.  And SLEPT. Without pill. Amen.

In the morning, I had a long and wonderful dream about my first real friend Tara. She is a symbol of my inner creativity: she has carved a career for herself as a silversmith, not leaning to anybody else for support.

In the dream, I witnessed her work as a costume-designer  – which was my job when Kip and I worked in directing, stage-designing an costuming int the theater-world. I felt completely home in working with textiles – and also painting them and giving patina to them. This was a way where I could “see” the costume for a role to make the role even clearer – and I was very good –  I was so good that my name became the solution-word in a crossword-puzzle in the main Newspaper!

Then Kip died, and my life changed – now an education as Expressive Arts Therapist.

But textiles were still my love. I have lately made chairs where the textiles set the theme for the chair – like a poem-chair and a peace-chair – but now, for a very long time, I did nothing creative. In the dream, I was witnessing Tara’s work – and I was  bathing and swimming in pleasure as I witnessed the most far-out-creations: dresses exploding in joy, colors, fantasy, outrageousness, and more joy – like the creativity Itself was alive in front on my eyes. It happened AS I was witnessing it.

The most adorable piece I witnessed was made by a male gay apprentice of Tara. He had made a little doll of himself and put it into a long sleeve of a dress. The doll, looking as himself, with the same clothes, was moved by a tiny delicate machine, and made the doll look completely alive – it made movements and was, in  sweet and innocent way, offering itself to a  man that he liked a lot.

Watching the ingenuity in the creation of the sleeve on the costume – and the  “horn of plenty” – feeling from it, made my soul smile and dance.

There was no “usefulness” in this creation: just joy being joy, expressing itself in color and fabric. And it lasted and lasted and lasted.

When I woke up, I went to the lesson of the day, nr.99:

7 Salvation is my only function here. 8 God still is Love, and this is not His Will.

W-pI.99.7. You who will yet work miracles, be sure you practice well the idea for today. 2 Try to perceive the strength in what you say, for these are words in which your freedom lies. 3 Your Father loves you. 4 All the world of pain is not His Will. 5 Forgive yourself the thought He wanted this for you. 6 Then let the Thought with which He has replaced all your mistakes enter the darkened places of your mind that thought the thoughts that never were His Will.

W-pI.99.8. This part belongs to God, as does the rest. 2 It does not think its solitary thoughts, and make them real by hiding them from Him. 3 Let in the light, and you will look upon no obstacle to what He wills for you. 4 Open your secrets to His kindly light, and see how bright this light still shines in you.

I was sitting in the sun, closing my eyes. Forgiving myself for believing that the darkness was what God wanted for me. Realizing that the dark stories the last days and nights were part of the script, and that the pain that started in the head the moment I closed my eyes was not real, could not hurt me, was in reality nothing. I sensed a beautiful feeling of release – a sensations of kindness, simplicity and care, and allowed it to just be.

Writing this, it seems there is still much darkness left, but there is an opening in me in trust that this is NOT what he wants for me, and I truly want to open all of this to His kind light.

Excuse me, I am going to have my hourly 5 minutes with Him now 🙂

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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