holding on to guilt

I have a friend who has a habit of coming a little late…and when we do Focusing on Skype, she finds something very important to speak about 10 seconds before our agreed-on time is up… I tell her that breaking commitments affects the safety and trust of the container of our work – she tells me she understands that and next time does exactly the same.

She is not the only one: I think I can count on one hand the people I meet who does keep time and agreements. And since the world is an outer image of an inner condition, I see that this must be something that I want: the only thing that keeps me from Heaven, is my belief that there is something more valuable than Heaven.

After saying goodbye for good to Sibyl – I don’t want that kind of communication any longer – I had dreams of being responsible to carry everybody and housing everybody, helpless and powerless to lock my door to those who were parasites. I asked Blue what I was holding on to – and heard that I was holding on to the feeling of being victimized and  being wronged – because then I got to feel right and just and good and on the “right side.” Consequently I have to look for and want people like Sybil to play that role so I don’t have to, and can be a good girl instead. I am holding onto things going wrong and people wronging me: I am the innocent one now. I keep agreements. I accept the rules and limits. I don’t come late. If I screw up, I look at it and see it and apologize. I am innocent – and they are not. This is not making me happy. Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? (Well, both of course) I see how I am constantly on the lookout for what is wrong, and boy does that choice has consequences: I experience being wronged and sabotaged by lots of outer influences – and that includes my computer.

I clearly see how my choice to look for what is wrong and scary and unjust has consequences to me: I draw the parasites to me, the disrespectful ones, the brutal ones – because I want the role of the innocent, and that means that there must be a role of the guilty.

I clearly think separation is real, don’t I – smile –

I am told to open the Course randomly to hear what it says:

T-12.VII.5. You see what you expect, and you expect what you invite. 2 Your perception is the result of your invitation, coming to you as you sent for it. 3 Whose manifestations would you see? 4 Of whose presence would you be convinced? 5 For you will believe in what you manifest, and as you look out so will you see in. 6 Two ways of looking at the world are in your mind, and your perception will reflect the guidance you have chosen.

To find this send a rush of gratitude and healing through me: I found this truth even before i read it. I am guided and safe. I gratefully read on:

T-12.VII.6. I am the manifestation of the Holy Spirit, and when you see me it will be because you have invited Him. 2 For He will send you His witnesses if you will but look upon them. 3 Remember always that you see what you seek, for what you seek you will find. 4 The ego finds what it seeks, and only that. 5 It does not find love, for that is not what it is seeking.

T-12.VII.7. I said before that what you project or extend is up to you, but you must do one or the other, for that is a law of mind, and you must look in before you look out. 2 As you look in, you choose the guide for seeing. 3 And then you look out and behold his witnesses. 4 This is why you find what you seek.

T-12.VII.8. When you want only love you will see nothing else. 2 The contradictory nature of the witnesses you perceive is merely the reflection of your conflicting invitations. 3 You have looked upon your mind and accepted opposition there, having sought it there. 4 But do not then believe that the witnesses for opposition are true, for they attest only to your decision about reality, returning to you the messages you gave them. 5 Love, too, is recognized by its messengers. 6 If you make love manifest, its messengers will come to you because you invited them.

T-12.VII.11. When you have accepted your mission to extend peace you will find peace, for by making it manifest you will see it. 2 Its holy witnesses will surround you because you called upon them, and they will come to you. 3 I have heard your call and I have answered it, but you will not look upon me nor hear the answer that you sought. 4 That is because you do not yet want only that.

In this moment, I remember something I did hold in the dream, that was not a burden: it was a little dog. I was as big as a baby. It moved around in my arms to find the perfect position for its sweet adorable head, and now my tears are floating: he looked up at me with  perfect trust and endless love: you are holding me, I am safe in your arms.

Dear God – You are holding me, I am safe in your arms. Nothing else is true.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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