Seeing through dream-phantasms

This morning I had two dreams which illuminated “root-emotions” in this life – and therefore, which turn up to be root-emotions that the ego holds to be essential in upholding a belief in the world as something separate from its Source.

In the first dream, there is a clash between my daughter, then 10-years old, and me. I realize that she has done /said something out of a hidden hate – and I respond by a vicious hate and threats: – “You are no longer my daughter!” When I wake up, I recognize that the hate this “dream-daughter” is showing me, is a hate that I have projected into her from she was born: the hate of being rejected by my mother after a catastrophic group rape when I was 4. This hate was never consciously owned by me before now – and because my daughter in the dream expresses it now, she gives it back to me: “look, this is what you gave me.”

When  I own this hatred – the small self’s hate when it believes itself to be “cast out” – I sense a big change in the holdings around the heart. I am lying in bed and welcoming the waves of intense hatred, and knowing it to be nothing at all – and thanking my daughter for carrying this unconsciously for me and telling her that I’ve got it now. Big release, feelings of intense gratitude.

Now wonder she has needed to have so much control. No wonder I have needed the same. And beneath the psychological story of “me” and “her”, there is the original fear and hatred of the ego after the belief in the tiny mad idea of separation. It feels relieving to freely and willingly allow the fear and hate to flow through “me” now: it’s not serious, it’s not a “me” attached to it.

I sense there is something else beckoning to be allowed into awareness too, and invite it to come. I fall asleep again and dream of my late husband Kip, 25 years older and quite a father/dominator-figure in many ways. This time I am aware that he has produced a big show of threats through his special ability as illusionist ( he really was a pioneering illusionist in international  European theater in the  50-ies:-) Now, I look up from a huge room into space – and there an enormous monsters floating down to us: Rhinoceri, crocodiles, snakes, and also monsters I never saw. But the thing is, I know they are fake – and yes, there it is again: the knowing that I am dreaming. So I allow them to float down to me – quite close now – and they look very convincing alive, and even move their legs – but I hold out a finger a just push them lightly away:  I know they’re just a blown-up phantasm. They float pass me, and I feel so relieved I did not fall for the illusion.

Later, I am in Kip’s arms again, experiencing his vast charisma and attraction – and sense an overwhelming ache of jealousy at the thought that he might be in love with someone else than me.

I wake up in this sensation of jealously – and know it is the original fear of “being dumped” by God because I was failing in some way. I am aware of how powerful it is to give jealousy our belief as real – it feels all-consuming, as long as I believe in the story about it.  No wonder people kill because of it, when they allow it to own them.

I present to Blue all my fears and beliefs presented in the two dreams and ask to have them corrected. It feels wonderful to ask to be corrected – I am SO willing!

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Lenore
    May 11, 2011 @ 16:50:37

    Oh what wonderfully revealing dreams, Nina. And best is that you are able to see yourself in your dream figures. Dreams really are the royal road to the unconscious, as Freud called them, aren’t they? Thank you for sharing that for all of us to see. Lenore

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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