A little forgiveness-chat with Blue

Lesson 134:Let me perceive forgiveness as it is. That is the lesson for today.

. W-pI.134.15.” Then choose one brother as He will direct, …” He directed me as the brother today 🙂 My pattern is to always blame me first, and “understand” the other. – Now, would I condemn my self for this self-flagellation? would  I be willing to include myself in the ones I see whose sins are calls for love?

I have the three last days been filled to the brim with fear of attack – two night dreamt about demons, this last night it was the devil himself who held a party at my neighbor’s. His eyes had 4 pupils, and they did not look nice.

I tell Blue about this heap of guilt that I believe I am – and he answers:

Blue: so why would you see yourself as guilty when I know that you are not?

Me: the only answer that comes to me is this: if I find myself guilty, and I find proof of that (which I am very good at) – then it must mean that I have conquered God! And if I am right – then love must be wrong! But why in the +!!!*+ world would I try to prove that I am right in this hell?

Blue: you have made God into a devil that is coming to get you. Last night he even was in the room next to you, having a big party there. You instructed your daughter to not believe in the power he seemed to have, and for her to tell him, “You are Spirit, healed and whole and innocent – all is forgiven and released. You realized that that devil-form was a disguise – and that one can bless it with “you are Spirit” since That is all There Is – or just smile kindly. And Ninotchka -(smiling) this image is the image you have made of God. Now you need to tell God this too – that you have forgiven him.

Me: Me – forgive God? He has done nothing wrong

Blue: There is a part of you who has believed for a tiny moment that the Tiny Mad Idea was real – and she is experiencing the consequences of that belief. And for that timeless second that never happened in reality, you believed it was possible to separate – and that it was wise to do so. Therefore you house this belief that you have taken something from God – and he is out to get you. This is how the ego sees separation. But God never missed you for one second: you never left his Love. – Now you can look at the devil in the room next to you and see what a great disguise you have given him, realizing “no wonder I thought I needed to fly from Love when I have given it this disguise. But evil is impossible – so I am wrong when I see you so.”

And I also realize that every person throughout incarnations who seem to have abused me,  dominated me, raped me,controlled me,mutilated me, let loose their insanity at me – did so because of my need and hunger to be punished to atone for my horrendous sins against God.

So why do I still feel so horribly guilt, Blue, when all this is clear to me, and I want to stop this game?

Blue: Do you really feel horrible right now? . . . or could it be that you still are attaching to the stories where the “you” really feel horrible – because you think you experienced them?

me: Yes! But – why would I want to hold on to those stories?…ahh! I hold on to the stories because I think I shouldn’t hold on to them – and that is the same as attaching to them, calling them mine! And what I/we call mine, is being protected and held dear – now I have given them meaning. Judging the stories IS holding on to them.

Blue(laughing) and you have been fixing your stories and therapeutizing them and understanding them through ages and ages – and you are still here, seeing “them” and “me.” Maye you could be wrong in your understanding? …much laughter…if you had read these stories in  books  – that would feel different from feeling that it had happened to you, right?

me: Completely. No agony or desperation – or, I could feel the agony and desperation in the other characters, as in movies – but would not resist the feelings at all. On the contrary: I would feel grateful for the opportunity to truly feel – but not take it seriously at all.

Blue (laughing) but Nina is nothing else that a made up person, my love. You are the author and the illustrator and  the persons. And the landscapes, clouds and monsters –

Me: and the stones. I love stones.

Blue: you are just as much a stone as a person. And when we turn off the projector, or close the pages, you see that you were the author and the dreamer and the watcher – and that nothing has happened in reality at all: just shadows at a screen.

Me: Please strengthen this realization in me.  This exaggerated abuse I constantly hear from within, and which my body senses as a threat and tenses against, is nothing else than another story I made to convince myself that the separation happened. I am starting fully to realize how intolerable that fear must be: this inner abuse is completely relentless.I condemn myself for everything. All the attacks I ever have seemed to experience, is by me on me. I hate it.

I am willing to be wrong about this – but I still think that I am this ego. I feel so convinced that I am evil! And I am a coward too.

Blue: And as long as you are aware of that, you are watching the ego and starting to remember that you can choose.

Me: I think I am dependent on someone external to me to tell me that I am innocent – for me to believe it.

Blue: and would you accept me telling you that you are innocent?

Me:…No. (Laughing) I really see that I think I made you up – and therefore CANNOT trust anything you say! …Oh I am so willing to be wrong that I am an ego.

*

This is so beautiful:  W-pI.134.12. He does not have to fight to save himself. 2 He does not have to kill the dragons which he thought pursued him. 3 Nor need he erect the heavy walls of stone and iron doors he thought would make him safe. 4 He can remove the ponderous and useless armor made to chain his mind to fear and misery. 5 His step is light, and as he lifts his foot to stride ahead a star is left behind, to point the way to those who follow him.

I want to leave this star. In fact, It is already done.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Pam
    May 15, 2011 @ 05:34:13

    Lovely awarness.

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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