I am spirit

today, in the morning, new memory came up. A big puzzle-piece including my mothers role in the old torture-story: now it all fits. The body released tensions for about 1/2 an hour – which made me trust that the memory came from a psychological past, not just imagination.

Next step was to sit down with David Hoffmeister’s structure for forgiveness. It is in his book “Awakening through  A Course In  Miracles”.“I choose to believe in separation, to maintain the belief in bodies” is one of the phrases that gently corrected my wrong thinking. So very valuable.

I went through the whole procedure about finding  my perception, thoughts, feelings, people to blame, and the true cause of my upset: the decision to be a body, not spirit. What before ACIM would have taken   many many years seem to have been released in peace.

I am spirit

including the ego

I just ended a Sedona-sharing with a guy in the States – and we found again and again how wonderful it was to just include the ego-voices/impulses – cause the loving Space that included them was so vast and loving, and we didn’t really have to do anything else than witness it. Some ego parts became images for me – I saw old stubborn child-parts that I have never allowed ( or they have not been allowed in my family) – but now, it was room for it all, and it had nothing to do with reality at all – but it felt really freeing to just sit there and allowing, seeing that it was not serious at all – nothing of it – and also noticing what the consequences were when we reacted in any way to those images/feelings: ouch! But if we included the resistance too, it all kinda melted –
this is very easy to do in a partnership – I would love to remember how effective this forgiveness-process is when i am seemingly on my own, too

I just visited David Hoffmeister’s site. Found a way of wording in the forgiveness-process that helped me see things clearly. How wonderful it feels when those clearing aha’s come – understanding something that until now felt closed.

The night is shimmering

I played this song by Schubert:Nachthelle / Shimmering night/ for three days and nights early 80-ies when my husband and I were separating.It is for me a great symbol of change – moving from the safe and familiar to the new. As I moved out all the furniture, the acoustics grew fantastic!

In the early 90-ies when I trained as an expressive arts therapist, my class played a drama after a painting I made – and I painted it to Nachthelle. It turned out to be an improvisation of a lonely wayfarer calling for Jesus/ the light in the image. I wanted the role as wayfarer, but was given the role of Jesus, listening to the wayfarer instead. It was intensely moving.

A beloved line is”die Haüser schau’n verwundert aus” – the houses looked surprised – this touches me, these surprised houses – there is something so wonderful about THIS night –

maybe you feel it too –

This day I heard it on the radio again, and once more it haunts my mind – and in a good way –

maybe I am moving to a new place again

 

could you notice the Love in your head

I just had a Skype-sharing with a friend. There was a strong headache, and it became stronger – it felt like it was a big fear there, a big resistance.  The Internet connection  was broken – and I sat there, believing that the pain in the head was a fear that I “needed” to let go of. I just sat with it with Blue. After ten minutes the connection was back on my side again, the pain had gone down, and my partner mis-spoke( and what a wonderful mis-speaking that was:) “Can you notice the Love in your head?”

The moment he said that, I felt a rush of freed energy: the “pain” was nothing else than my resistance to Love.  The Love was always there.When asked if I felt I needed to let that resistance go, the answer was yes and a lot of giggles – and when that thought was allowed, the resistance started to abate.

It was a powerful and simple demonstration how painful it is to resist What I am , and how including the resistance without judging it took much power out of it.

I love You

This is Axel Schiøtz, Danish beloved tenor whose voice always opens my heart. I’ll give a translation of the lyrics by Hans Christian Andersen ( the famous Danish storyteller.) Music by Edward Grieg.

You have become the Thought of my thoughts

You are the first love of my heart

I love you, as nobody else here on earth

I love you through time and eternity

*

See – almost perfect Coursish

good enough for me


	

puppets as friends

I am fascinatingly following the red thread in my night-dreams: about waking up, knowing I am dreaming. wanting to remain sleeping…and this night, I dreamt that a whole big room of puppets came alive and talked to me. They all loved me too – and I felt sure I would never feel alone again..

It makes me sad to think about – that I choose puppets’ love before  Blue’s love…it’s because I believe I’m guilty.

I forgive that thought

dreams and awakenings

I have that last year or so asked Jesus to come to me in dreams – until today, when it dawned on me that the Jesus who might answer such dreams, would be the Jesus of Christianity, and not  the Jesus of the Course.From now on, I will pray instead for his perception – to see everything in my dream as either forgiveness-opportunities, or the Son of God.

Now I also understand why I haven’t wanted to wake up when I have dreamt that unseen people have called “wake up! wake up now!” I have associated waking up with  waking up to “daily-life-dreaming”- not to Heaven. And my sleep-dreams are so much fun than my everyday life.

The dream this morning I was completely aware of dreaming – and the lucid quality of everything, including landscapes, is fascinating. Because i know it is unreal, I don’t take it serious at all. I was skiing without skies – my favorite past-time in dreams ( I am phenomenal, because I have no fear of falling at all:-)) and suddenly I was at a precipice and could not stop. So I was falling – and when fear visited me for short seconds, the fall was fast and horrible – and then I remembered, this is not serious – and the sweetest calmest atmosphere was cradling me as I sank slowly and deliciously to the ground.

I realize that I am the projector, and is mistaking myself for the leading role in my movie. In the movie of Nina, I have made a powerful wizard who can manipulate her from other worlds and levels. As long as I get confused and believe I am the role I am exploring, this is very unpleasant, and makes the movie very entertaining for the audience: now Nina has to find ways to protect herself ( which does not always work, and is therefore very dramatic) –  and sometimes in the movie, she has succeeded to make the right choice, and the demons are gone, and left is only Light.

Truth: I am under no laws but God’s.

Todays lesson is nr 169: By grace I live. By grace I am released.

I forgive the belief that I can be under any other laws that the Holy Spirit’s, and release the belief  by the grace that is given me.

The lessons I have written in the scenario of the lives of Nina’s is the pattern of duality that we can name “The Jekyll and Hyde-syndrome” – where mr.Hyde is believed to have all power and commands the Jekyll-part to obey, or else – and Jekyll has denied his bad stuff and given it to Hyde, he is nice and kind and shitty afraid and says, “I’ll do anything you say as long as you spare my life.” In short, the  old predator/victim-story. Clearly this is a story that is made outside the will of God – and so, it is just a movie and not reality at all. I am aware that the belief and fear of the “YOU SHALL” -voice is the reason of the constant pains and stiffness in my neck – and it is nothing else than my belief that it is valid and real, as it must be real then that I am a victim and weaker than it. I have made this to stay away from You, as a “me” – still fascinated by the drama. The violators in my lives are my own production. I am willing to let go of this now, and asked to have these beliefs erased – and to receive the grace in which I am released.I notice the egos attempt to know  how this can happen so it can do it – and put my attention instead on my willingness to allow this pattern to be healed – and to let my light shine.As soon as I utter the willingness to stop this production, the sweetest gentlest light descends on me.


a holy moment

Feeling lousy and  depressed in the morning – having chosen to go back to sleep instead of getting up, bad idea –

in the living room, The Course ready on the table, an impulse: First of all I just want to pause and BE for a minute or so.

Tensions left all over my body, and all because of this decision for connection with Self.

Lesson 166: I am entrusted with the gifts of God.

W-pI.166.11. 2 The wish for death is answered, and the sight that looked upon it now has been replaced by vision which perceives that you are not what you pretend to be. 3 One walks with you Who gently answers all your fears with this one merciful reply, “It is not so.”

I have some days been under the spell of Hell. I have repeated an old script-lesson of believing in possession – believing in” the reality” of my perception, my nervous system and my ability to “see.” What I forgot was that I was only seeing ego’s world and its laws – and identifying with it.

I asked for help from within this agony, and could not hear His Voice or feel his hand at all. I was mesmerized by my story, so well-known in its landscapes, so convincingly real.

I cried out to my Village-friends, and was embraced by their love and support. I accepted that this is where I was at the moment, stuck in ego and story. I treated myself to good food and wine.

The night took me into itself – it was a new place, no darkness. I woke up peaceful,opened Lesson 166 and allowed its sweetness to melt my attachment to what I think I am. While I was practicing, I allowed stressful “you should-thoughts” to come up, and told myself “It is not so.”

In my mind, this song was playing all the time: “I know where I am going” with Harry Belafonte. I did not find it on You Tube, but here is Maureen Hegarty: they both have the sweetness and tenderness.

I know where I’m going – and I know Who’s going with me

Here it is


paying off guilt ha ha ha

When I was young, I thought my career would be as a singer – and when I lost my voice, as a dancer – and when I ruptured a knee, as a painter. For each career that has been stopped I have harassed myself for not “fixing” the something that caused the breaks in my education as artist – that is, my possibilities to pay off guilt.

This night I lay listening to the big chorus of voices of everything I thought was important. Voices I believed in. This morning, I wondered what chained me to that choir – and when I asked the voices, I heard that they were convinced that they were guilty.

Suddenly it fell into place: of course it made sense for this part of the mind to be clever and help others and “use its resources” – sure! Nothing wrong with that-  but the huge pressure came from me giving the voices validity by believing that I in fact paid off guilt by each person I “helped”, by each creative “product” I made. I fed that guilt and pressure by believing that it could be paid off.

But by believing that it is possible to pay off guilt, I am keeping guilt real and alive in my mind.

I am seeing the image of a brook – it trickles freely and joyfully towards the sea, and boom, a big boulder lands in the brook and forces it to take new directions. Instead of cursing the block, and fretting about what “could have been,” I can choose to see that the new directions the brook took, forced me to find the darkness in my mind and childhood, and dealing with it in ways that has hugely enriched my life – and hundreds of others, I would like to think.

Now all I have to do when the onslaught of chaos thoughts come, is to remind myself gently that I am believing it is possible to pay off guilt by doing the right thing – and forgive myself for that.

And leave the rest to Blue.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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