when defenses fall

Yesterday I launched into lesson 3 i n my singing-freely program  (Per Bristow.) It was about expanding the range of the voice – and in Per’s wonderful way of teaching, we are gently led to notice how we tense up and start to sing without pressure at all. We are asked to notice when it feels good and free to sing – and don’t mind about how it sounds. That in itself is enormous freeing, and also produces a nice result: the range for me expanded effortlessly.

My throat and lungs-area has been challenged for about 25-30 years. Lots of x-rays in that area, never showing anything. And lots of  painful tensions in the neck-area. Yesterday, while singing, the tensions diminished radically, and tears started pouring in relief and gratitude: I thought the change would be permanent, as long as I practiced this new way of treating my throat with kindness.

About 1/2 hour after the lesson ended, something turned off my breath, and i could not breathe at all – and then came a violent coughing mixed with almost-vomiting. The soreness around the lungs felt like it all was bleeding inside. I prayed and did the energy-medicine procedures that came to me, and slowly things stabilized somehow.

I realized that the tensions were defenses that some part of my ego-mind found necessary to defend the lung-area. It felt like protective veils were ripped off me, it felt like being skinless and doused with acid,and boy did I identify with the body and knowing it too.

There were lots of judgments that I believed – that i had been violating myself – sabotaged the good work the last months – and in my state of mind I believed all of this for a long sleepless night.

In the morning, there was an insight that those defenses had been given a LOT of value – and out of how I felt when they were gone, I understand why I/ego established them. “In my vulnerability I am strong” was not my reality, to put it mildly – “in my vulnerability I’ll go insane” felt more correct.

I recognize that this is where I seem to be for now. Presenting the whole process for Blue again and choosing Love instead, allowing the Love to heal, being willing to be available – not knowing anything about how the best way would be.

This late evening, it feels better. And I am going to do that lesson more times – but maybe not the whole lesson, one hour. being more gently, sensing for signals that something is being too scared. Respecting the ego, as Jamie reminded us in the Monastery.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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