Today I will judge nothing that occurs.

The long saga with the painful stiff neck has escalated lately. When the pain yesterday increased to becoming intolerable, something inside gave way to surrender. Now it was no longer an enemy to get rid off, but something that knocked on the door of the heart to be let in.

I put a loving hand on the most painful place and just waited. Out of being with it emerged a voice, which wailed: “I don’t want to be here any longer.” It brought up a torrent of tears – and it was clear that the defenses former putting that voice in jail, had unlocked the doors.

I have been that jailer.

I got a vague idea where it came from, but was much more willing to just be with it without any wish – or rather, demand -of “understanding.”

I had a good night, with nice funny amusing dreams.Oh I love those kinds.

Today, I had a Skype-sharing with Kit again. ( The correction-program suggested “sharpening” instead. Sometimes the little gnome within the correction-program really gets it.) In that space of truly connecting, it became clear that the pain was truly impersonal, and that only making stories about it and trying to understand it cemented it. I am more and more acutely sensing the “spell” of the ego: its great ability to make images and analyze – and how caught I get in that spell-web (“sleep web” suggested the gnome 🙂 the second I want to understand the images. Now I saw like a roll of  film-frames moving in front of me. I chose not to focus on any frame at all – just being with it, and at the same time being with the pains and sensations.

Before, these bodily sensations and pains have ALWAYS been connected to the belief ” I am in mortal danger.” I mean always.

Not now. The change of perspective – or perception -is diametral.

What has happened is so sweet: I notice that there is a little gap – just a diminutive gap – between sensing the sensations/pain/charge and being sucked blindly into that hell – OR choosing to witness it. AND that choice has in this session come from my Self. It is such a calm and loving looking – really not a decision at all – like it’s not something to choose from, at that level.

And I end the session and open the Big Blue: Today I will judge nothing that occurs.

choosing direction

The whole day has been crammed with strong feelings of depression and self-hatred. I asked for help, opened a wise-word-book(my favorite quotes from the Course) and read:

T-21.III.5. It is impossible that the Son of God lack faith, but he can choose where he would have it be. 2 Faithlessness is not a lack of faith, but faith in nothing. 3 Faith given to illusions does not lack power, for by it does the Son of God believe that he is powerless. 4 Thus is he faithless to himself, but strong in faith in his illusions about himself. 5 For faith, perception and belief you made, as means for losing certainty and finding sin. 6 This mad direction was your choice, and by your faith in what you chose, you made what you desired.

The direction was my choice.

I now turn away and choose the opposite direction: God’s love

Fear is not justified in any form

Difficult morning with headache, fear and pain. Dread that I do the Course terribly. I spot my neighbors outside, talking, and get a strong feeling that I am kept outside something – and that danger is lurking.

I sit down with the morning paper and open it at a page where teenagers write. I read about a girl being persuaded by peers to take the first drag of a smoke. She does it – and immediately regrets it: she sees she is having a choice, and she chose against what she felt was right for her.

I remember the first time I was offered a smoke: we were a bunch of ten-years olds, and we were standing on top of a hill. I took the first puff, and felt a huge relief: I knew I had found the friend I had missed: always there to put a smokescreen between me and agony.

I loved this friend for 28 years.

Now, reading about it, this about having a choice…I see that deep down, this girl-identity did not know that she had a choice of her own. I allow this insight to come up, fully. Having a choice would mean that I would choose against my parents, which would be very dangerous.

I feel in my very bones how strong the imprint of that belief has been.

And I am wrong: I DO have a choice NOW.

Sitting down, about to open the blue book at lesson 240, hating it and hating myself for hating it. How used I am to exactly these thoughts. It will never change, just give up

Suddenly: maybe I am wrong about the neighbors. Maybe I am seeing it all wrong.

The sweetness of release and love is indescribable.

And I did not DO ANYTHING to make it happen.

I open the blue book at lesson 240: Fear is not justified in any form.

Seeing this, I suddenly KNOW that the sensations /thought-forms/ of fear and dread and death that are in my mind right now are not me, are not serious, can not threaten my safety: it’s just energy, and I just dropped the identification with it. I just dropped the belief that they were real.

Now I just sit and sense the energy-fields willingly: just experiencing them, and there is nothing to forgive about it – it has nothing to do with me.

This is the kernel of my practice: being able to let go of the identification with fear. All the former sensations/energy-fields can stay here now – and in this now, all judgments have fallen away.

Thought: You will not be able to stay here forever. It will not last.

I forgive the thought –and all I know is that I AM HERE NOW

I forgive my belief in time

alarm

Spiritual cinema-club today: The One Voice I think it was called. Mystics with all kinds of background talked about their experiences of attaining peace. -Then the segment of surrendering to Love came. A translucent and radiant woman said: we just need to allow Love – and then the alarm sounded, and we all had to leave our seats. –

There’s not two of you

 

Who’s the thinker?

The ego’s song: I put a spell on you

choosing again

Went to town today, to get a groupon-hairdresser-session. I was feeling sick, my stomach felt weird,something felt so off.

At the hairdresser, nobody was there. Instantly the “being betrayed and forsaken-stories” sprang up in my mind.They had even given me a wrong address!! Sher luck that i saw the sign of the salon.

As I felt sicker and sicker and at the same time noticed the simultaneous  misogynist thoughts of the hairdresser and the saloon, there was a clear choice inside to not make an enemy of that brother. I don’t want anyone to be guilty. I want to forgive all the projections I have made.
The feelings of sickness that whole morning dissipated some. The hairdresser came – smiled – was 5 minutes late. I expected an apology, which did not come. I realized that I could self-righteously wallow in blame – and simultaneously  there was the recognition that the one that needed an apology, was the ego.

So I chose against the ego again – and now, all the rest of bad feelings and sickness disappeared.

Had I not have this situation happen to me today, I would have no idea what the sickness and sleeplessness this night was all about. Now I know: it is this false identity who expects the worst, is paranoid, and looks to be dumped upon.

I do not want or need those thoughts any longer.I choose against them.

When I let go of the need of that apology and all my perceptions,I relaxed with the sweetest being – and she gave me a scalp-massage that is the best I ever had.

It turned out that the address was a mixture of two informations – not their fault at all.

The cut is not bad either 🙂

David Hoffmeister on undoing linear time

we can’t see it: it is there anyway

In a summer-program from Swedish Radio,I listen to  Norwegian author Karl-Ove Knausgård. He is sitting at the roof of his home in a town in Sweden He is describing his  mixture of feelings the day after the bomb went off in the Government-area, and the shootings at Utøya. As he listens to the sounds of the day – the traffic, the shouts – he is acutely aware of his deep grief and shock, and describing it to us. It hits me right in my gut and heart.

Then – in the middle of that agony- he hears a little child laughing in blissful happiness. He also notices a man’s happy voice, and imagines a father throwing his baby in the air, and the child laughing. I shiver when he mentions the happy laugh: there is such innocence in it. There is only one “place” where this innocence is: Heaven.

He tries to see where the child is, and understands that it must be hidden behind some houses below him. And then he says the words that  send me right into bliss:

“We cannot  see it. It is there anyway. It is that which is home.”

And all at once I recognize this truth – that there might be disasters, agony and grief – and this is there anyway.

I love that Knausgård and non-acimers know it exactly as well as Course-students.

*

Yesterday I saw a memorial program from the 22nd. The ones who were there was the King, the Royal family, the Government from the Nordic countries, all the survivors and their families, the volunteer-helpers from Utøya who saved lives, the official helpers who had been involved, like Red Cross – everyone who had directly been involved. I was noticing how caring and wise somebody had arranged their seats: in the middle of the great room, the people who were directly involved, and who’s grief was most raw and in need of comfort and holding. Around them in circles, the helpers.

The symbol in this image is wonderful: the central pain, and the circle of Loving Embrace which is there.

And I notice how there in this disaster has been symbols of right minded thinking: everybody in this country cares about the pain of the ones directly involved: we all share it, and the desire to comfort and love. And the involved ones all say the same: healing comes from knowing that their pain is allowed and welcomed.

 

Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: