“dying”

Oh I am SOO dreaming. And enjoying it:
A couple of days ago I saw a very Norvegian last name on a poster on D.U.
I mailed her, turned out she lived in Norway…turned out she was named Grace – and  Nina is a diminutive of Anna, which means Grace ( pants and hops up and down, clapping hands) – and turns out she lived at Rykkinn two years ago, and now moved but still lives pretty close – well isn’t it exciting!!!!!
we are meeting soon.

This morning, I turned on my little dream-recorder, and heard something I taped a couple of nights before, and had completely forgotten: ” I am at my childhood-house – the symbol for past and story-me. Somebody is dying there! it is such a strong and deep and experience – it is black, but the darkness is sweet and honest and one can rest there, although somebody is dying.

Suddenly I know that the dying person is me – and there is no other feelings in me than peacefulness and accept -“

A couple of days ago, a woman asked me to audition for a one-line role in a film. I misunderstood something she said, and it pushed ego’s favorite button BIG TIME. I found out that it touched a huge judgment that I still justify:it upholds the whole atrocious story that i still identify with: “HORROR HAPPENED TO ME – AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT IT IS POOH-POOHED!”

Today I felt the W E I G H T  of that – the strength of the hate and fear and control that was held in place by insisting that that thought was important to hold on to. It felt like if I let it go, I played the same parts as my tormentors: denying that anything at all had happen.No wonder I held on to it!

And even when in the midst of these thoughts, there was a willingness to have another perception.

I open the Course at What is forgiveness? :”What is sin, except a false idea about God’s Son?” W-pII.1.2. An unforgiving thought is one which makes a judgment that it will not raise to doubt, although it is not true. — 4 What can come between a fixed projection and the aim that it has chosen as its wanted goal?

THIS IS IT!

W-pII.1.3. An unforgiving thought does many things. 2 In frantic action it pursues its goal, twisting and overturning what it sees as interfering with its chosen path.3 Distortion is its purpose, and the means by which it would accomplish it as well. 4 It sets about its furious attempts to smash reality, without concern for anything that would appear to pose a contradiction to its point of view.
W-pII.1.4. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is still, and quietly does nothing.

I sat down, being willing to sink into the Holy space where God waited. I felt like shit. And even so,I could faintly hear His Voice calmly mentioning that I was only in a dream, and this dream-self had suffered but was not my identity.

What I believe happened to me, I see IS a false self-concept, projected on to the screen called the world, seen from the view of the role “victim.” Now this is an intellectual understanding. I need  experience.

W-pII.in.1. Words will mean little now. 2 We use them but as guides on which we do not now depend. 3 For now we seek direct experience of truth alone. 4 The lessons that remain are merely introductions to the times in which we leave the world of pain, and go to enter peace.

I feel the hate as a thick ominous field to my left. Still, I am willing to be wrong about its reality. I am quiet, and get ideas/thoughts: “if the dream was real, that hate would be real and justified. But it isn’t – it is a set up, a prop in the movie. Both hate and God can not be real.”

W-pII.1.1. Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred. 2 It does not pardon sins and make them real. 3 It sees there was no sin. 4 And in that view are all your sins forgiven. 5 What is sin, except a false idea about God’s Son? 6 Forgiveness merely sees its falsity, and therefore lets it go. 7 What then is free to take its place is now the Will of God.

I understood that I really heard the Voice for God. I could just relax and allow God to do it for me.
I decided not to call the lady. The pattern from before would be to call from within that mode of believing I had been tricked and disrespected, and having her see her false ways. Instead I went to my mailbox, and there she was,explaining crystal clear what I had needed to hear the day before. With her first unclear message yesterday she gave me this great lesson.

All is gifts.

Another lady from the a theatre i earlier worked with called and offered me some textiles for collage. I lost her number, and started to get down on myself abusively, as the pattern was. Remembered that I can just let it be and allow God to deal with it. Opened my eyes and rummaged in a little bag for some keys, and there was another note with the lady’s phonenr. I had completely forgot i put it there.

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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