Nobody…no body

Sunday morning. Quiet. Sun pouring in through the yellow curtains. I am about to get out of bed, when the cramps come: it is impossible to use the left leg. The only soothing thing to do that works is to hold the leg and foot and speak lovingly to it.

Soon it is evident that I am talking to the small-tortured-identity: it is she who is cramping up – or rather her thoughts and beliefs, which I identify with. Gradually I see that to identify with her is the same as looking for enemies/dangers/threats/difficulties. I have to do that to maintain that identity: it’s how she proves that she is alive and real. I see that she holds on to this – because she has linked hope for love to this ongoing nightmare.

Digging deeper now:

Searching: what is left  – if this girl-identity/belief system should go?

The violent coughing spasms in the chest show me that something in me is deadly terrified of being “nobody.” “A tortured girl always under threat” is preferable to being a “nobody.”

Terror: “I must be somebody – and if this identity is removed, I am no one – and have no body -and that means that I am just psyche completely without will – and that means that I will be sucked up by evil forces in the universe.”

Blue is saying:

A universe with evil forces, waiting to suck up innocent children, belongs to the ego thought system. It IS a dream – and believing in this dream makes it seem frightfully real. Being a “nobody” here is equated with being powerless.

You are not an “ego nobody”. You are still as God created you: the Holy Son of God – sharing God’s power and the Will of God.

The painful cramped body is just a thought in your mind. The thought is not true: God, Who is Love, do not create anything that is not perfect Love. If He did, He would be cruel – and He would not be God.

The coughing stops the second I chose to listen to Blue. The cramps seem to be seeping out of my limbs.

I am grateful to have identified the link between “having to be this old victim” in order to have hope of being loved. It is all so logical and psychologically true.

Slowly taking in that it is safe to let go of the identity as her

Opening the Course to today’s lesson:

The past is over. It can touch me not.

W-pII.289.2. Father, let me not look upon a past that is not there. 2 For You have offered me Your Own replacement, in a present world the past has left untouched and free of sin. 3 Here is the end of guilt. 4 And here am I made ready for Your final step. 5 Shall I demand that You wait longer for Your Son to find the loveliness You planned to be the end of all his dreams and all his pain?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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