the first fear

Skyping with Kit

We shared a longing to see what is True – and no longer view the world through the lens of distortion.

We were touching on  the fear of dying…the cosmic all- encompassing existential fear that is  rooted  in our deepest recesses of the mind – the fear that comes when we seem to believe that the separation really had happened.

Kit shared a memory where this fear came, as a little girl – and the fear of believing that she had lost the connection to her true self.

For me this was a reminder of how children – or ego, if you like – make up stories with power to protect against overwhelming fearful situations that can not be prevented. The child HAS to hold on the stories – in order to not fall into the cave of terror.

This night I had yet another healing dream ( I  always ask H.S to direct them.) I dreamt about my mother being fairy-like…if you breathed on her she would crush, and then we would be murderers. I dreamt of her having lots of fairy dresses, tulle and chiffon and ooohs and aaahs – and we were in a verbal fight, and i wanted her to agree with me. I was 10 I think. She didn’t budge, and I threatened her: “then i will rip your fine dresses!” She did not budge ( she N E V E R  did) and i ripped a dress. And more. Terrified that she would die in front of my eyes, terrified of being guilty and sinful.

She did not die,and i woke up.

I had this image of her all my life. Me holding on to that was one way to hold onto my guilty sinful identity. I also saw that everybody we knew shared this view of fragile little Eve.

We all held onto a lying image – and somehow this image we made, “protected us” from seeing the free-floating fear underlying all these false images and roles in the family.

It feels REALLY good to see how incredibly laborious  this pretense-game was. And how fucking  mad I was at having to play that game: I never did know that. Now it is here, to be looked at with a smile.

I also looked at an until now hidden rage at the power the adults had, when they threatened: “if you don’t x I will leave you.” How often I have used that myself to control my daughter.

Seems curiously like the situation of the TMI, doesn’t it

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Dec 05, 2011 @ 16:24:32

    Getting to know you .. I appreciate it. But help. What is TMI?


  2. littlesister
    Dec 05, 2011 @ 17:07:14

    TMI is in the metaphysics of the Course, “The Tiny Mad Idea” when we as the Son of God had the idea that it would be possible to create on our own.
    The Course teaches that the world is the product of our belief in that Idea. And that when we see that it is just silly, we are back in Heaven which we never left in reality.
    If you are interested in a short version of Course metaphysics, you can read chapter 6: A Course in Miracles and this book at Authonomy
    Thanks for your interest always, Mona! so much life in you 🙂
    little sister


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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