Love

In the newspaper, there is a page for teenagers. It is so helpful to read – to remember the dramas from that time, and stuff I haven’t thought of forgiving yet. Today, a 15-year old girl is sharing that she is bi-sexual, and that a guy in her class told her”fag” when she looked at a girl she liked. They met after school, and she said when she looked at the guys eyes, she did not dare to admit she was bi-sexual  – there was so much condemnation and threat there.She closed by telling her readers that now she would never dare to share it.

In that moment, I knew this threatening crazy look has to do with yet another aspect of the neck-pain -and that the neck-pain is connected to memories from the worst torture episodes in my life as child. I still carry that cellular memory of “if you do this (or don’t do this) I will kill you and your family.”

The memory of giving up my will completely is here now, -F E L T – being a prey in the others’ hands and control – and the fear of not behaving  e x a c t l y  as they tell me – and the tremendous fear of not understanding them completely: if I misunderstand what they want me to do, I will be their prey forever – dead or alive.

Knowing that this fear just belongs to a story  I have told myself in the mind is relieving. As I sit and take in the fear in the body – taking it out of the old old cave of forbidden stuff to know about – the neck is behaving very odd: as I sit in the memory of the pain in the past – and in my mind – and in my dream – the allowing invites in the pain from the past that was repressed then. When I just witness it, gratefully that it is only past, the pains grow in proportions. I am not taking it seriously: what a great experience, this allowing myself to say yes to what earlier was clothed in deadly fear.

I start to notice all the little things I have made automatically to push this old fear away and have control:  all the compulsive little acts that I have made to feel safe. Oh, I have my rituals 🙂 and it is great to smile at myself while I  still do them – knowing they will fade when time is right.

For example the toilet-paper roll – it has to be put on the holder with the paper hanging on the front – and I have to check the door at night: is it REALLY locked?

The feelings of shame connected to all these little rituals are gone  – being forgiven and released – and  I am looking forward to more experiences to forgive with this old stalker-fear.

In the minute I wrote this, the PC turned itself completely off.

Instantly the old fear came up, that I am possessed and in grave danger for writing this. “Somebody/ an evil  controlling spirit turned me off: “it is TABOO to talk about these things! “

No. No evil spirit: just a memory I identify with, a little terrified-to-death-and-beyond-little-girl who tells herself “never tell anybody, forget it all, it is not happening, if you tell you will be in their power for ever.”

And using that belief as protection – “I am only safe when I forget it never happened and never tell and ask for help” – I have put it all into this body.

Ready now to to be liberated. Ready to see that it is one of ego’s favorite scripts of sustaining guilt and fear, and the story of me,innocent, and them, raving maniacs.

Forgiveness on deeper and deeper levels – maybe I really don’t need to hold on to this fear any longer.

Maybe I could just let it go

Maybe I could ask Blue to choose for God for me instead –

sounds like a good idea

Happy Sunday

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Dec 13, 2011 @ 17:40:26

    Thanks for this. I am so moved…

    Mona

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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