massive guilt exposed and forgiven

I awoke with piercing pains in my solar plexus. It reminded me of pains in this area before: crazy pains for days. This time  I feel certain that it is the same theme, but much closer to the surface.

So I relax with it. Sit down, sink inward, willing to connect.

I think of my daughter and me: I gave her some poems for Christmas – written by me – to some easter eggs she had made.I later got the idea that she owed me to tell me how she liked them…fishing for praise.Those thoughts did not feel good: I knew that when  I feel I “have to” have proofs of validation and love from somebody outside of me, I am on the wrong track: ego is vying for supremacy.

I told myself that I did not need her to tell me ( or praise the poems) but it seemed that my psychology did not agree with my thoughts.

I opened the Course:

LESSONS 361 to 365.

This holy instant would I give to You. Be You in charge. For I would follow You,certain that Your direction gives me peace.

W-pII.361-5.1. And if I need a word to help me, He will give it to me. 2 If I need a thought, that will He also give. 3 And if I need but stillness and a tranquil, open mind, these are the gifts I will receive of Him. 4 He is in charge by my request. 5 And He will hear and answer me, because He speaks for God my Father and His holy Son.

As I sank into the depths of the pain, I saw that I was trying to make her guilty. I opened the Course randomly:

V. The Choice for Completion

T-16.V.1. In looking at the special relationship, it is necessary first to realize that it involves a great amount of pain. 2 Anxiety, despair, guilt and attack all enter into it, broken into by periods in which they seem to be gone. 3 All these must be understood for what they are. 4 Whatever form they take, they are always an attack on the self to make the other guilty. 5 I have spoken of this before, but there are some aspects of what is really being attempted that have not been touched upon.

I am attacking myself. It sinks in. Slowly tears come. The pain lessens immediately.

T-16.V.2. Very simply, the attempt to make guilty is always directed against God. 2 For the ego would have you see Him, and Him alone, as guilty, leaving the Sonship open to attack and unprotected from it. 3 The special love relationship is the ego’s chief weapon for keeping you from Heaven. 4 It does not appear to be a weapon, but if you consider how you value it and why, you will realize what it must be.

T-16.V.7. Most curious of all is the concept of the self which the ego fosters in the special relationship. 2 This “self” seeks the relationship to make itself complete. 3 Yet when it finds the special relationship in which it thinks it can accomplish this it gives itself away, and tries to “trade” itself for the self of another. 4 This is not union, for there is no increase and no extension. 5 Each partner tries to sacrifice the self he does not want for one he thinks he would prefer. 6 And he feels guilty for the “sin” of taking, and of giving nothing of value in return. 7 How much value can he place upon a self that he would give away to get a “better” one?

I see clearly how much I have clinged to  having others being guilty – and how much manipulation lies in it. And I remember my best friend as children: it seemed to be a partnership where I was the leader. When we as adults were dining out, the waiter always came to me first. I had no idea why then – but now i see that we played this game: I get to decide and you get to follow. I sense how transparent this collusion was to me.

She couldn’t take it any longer 30 years later, and exploded. And only now can I get in touch with all the invisible unconscious ways the “leader” weaved the leading net around the leadee – who silently unconsciously consented.

Suddenly a thought of an obnoxious man from a workshop came into my mind. We ( I was not alone in feeling this) could sense him spinning cords to our solar plexus and dragging us in, sucking our energy. A perfect energy-vampyre. People around him – me included – felt intense rage.

Now i see that in my mind, I subconsciously  may do the same energy-dance of manipulating when i am to afraid of asking for what i want, and “get” people to give it to me by manipulating them subconsciously and energetically.

I feel no guilt about that at all. Slowly I sense the forgiveness for Ulrich coming up: we were both just afraid, and caught in the same pattern. When we know better, we do better.

That was what removed the last traces of the pain. It has been impossible to not hate and judge Ulrich – until I see that it is in me too.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 17:50:51

    so filled with blessing for you and blessings for your reader as we ponder the depths of your thoughts and work here.



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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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