It’s a book – not my body

I have discovered that what makes me so resistant to have my book published – is that I identity with it. This identity is connected to the little girl-victim-identity: I recognize now that I am equally afraid of somebody attacking the book, ridiculing it, wanting to destroy it, coming after me and destroying me, as that memory of the girl was afraid of this in her rapists.

It’s psychological understandable that I identity with my work – I think most of us do – that’s why we love medals and hate being fired. If they will judge my book and hate it, it is me they hate and judge – so it feels. But my book is not my body – although the explorations in it has been experienced through my body. But I am not my experiences. And after the morning blog here and the insights I know that what is most scary about my fears re the book’s becoming public is the stories I tell myself – that “I am that person whose job it is to be stalked and raped and punished. – And I don’t want to hold on to that belief.  I am not that story – and while I am saying that, some part of me says “you will never get rid of it.”

Truth is – writing this book has been great healing process. Others reading it and telling me that it teems with Love is a clear sign that it is NOT my body: it has come through me, which is a sign of my willingness to look at the story from a gentler place than the ego.

I wish to be free of these triggers into the story. I hope this time is a big step further. Kit shares an image: “It’s like when a  block of ice breaks off a glacier.”

 

 

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 02:37:07

    I believe this sets the book free to climb …

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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