my best friend

Resting on the sofa with the March-sun falling on my chest and face, I started to cough.The usual old bad one. Started to tune into the pain: saw that there was a memory/story there about once having denied the love of Jesus – and the friendship of Jesus. I offered my willingness to be corrected about the importance of being on my “own.” And felt sad – believing in the whole story.

Later, I stood in my healing- room and looked out on the big  playing-field in front of the house. A young man walked his old black dog – and when he entered the field, he dutifully latched the dog.  I loved that: not everybody feel safe around big black dogs.

As I sensed the love for the guy and the old dog -( it whiffed its tail in such a comic way, like an old lady of 90 trying to dance) – I sensed something stirred around the heart, and heard:

“Your love for those two Sons of God IS your friendship with Me.”

And there it is: the switch from ego’s Jesus and the Course’s.

The joy in me in thinking that now I am close to Jesus each and every time I see Him in my brother.

I am outgrowing useless stories

Trust

Yesterday morning, in the state between sleep and awake, Blue showed me the image of a blank white paper – and  resting in the empty space in the lower left corner, a little scrap of paper with on word: TRUST

the space was in the Image I was shown much larger in comparison to the little scrap of paper with "TRUST" on.

This word feels like a reminder: be willing to be in the empty space of not knowing what to do, trusting what Blue shows you and tells you.

REMINDER is really the word. I know this place: it is available all the time I don’t favor fear instead. I certainly cannot trust as long as I feel fear – but trust is right behind it.

I put little smooth stones in all my pockets, as reminders to remember “trust.”

Then I walk into my healing-room – and look at the red pillow I sit on when I give sessions. It still has the imprint of my behind after the session where I set borders and spoke up, described in my post before this. And look at the shape on it: exactly the same as the form of the paper where “trust” was written. I really need to hammer this in, it seems.

Love leading

Skyping with Kit. – Our sessions are usually – 99% I would say – filled with great Presence. When one speaks, the other is just there. This  morning I felt tense, and when it was my turn to listen I saw something on my PC desk that I HAD TO  move to Documents immediately. I knew inside that this was ego wanting control, feeling scared – still I choose to follow the OCD-impulse and deposit the file. In other words – I believed in the thought that this has power over me, and that it had power to destroy the loving space of truth that Kit and I share.I felt like shit: I was G U I L T Y .It took my peace, goddamn it!

When it is my turn to share, I tell Kit about this – and she suggests that this is a gift to explore between us. I quickly see how soon I gave my power away to ego. – So – what is really stealing my peace this night and morning?

Right now,it feels like a monster sitting on my neck and forcing me to bow – it is physically overwhelming. My tooth and jaw hurts, it feels like inflammation everywhere. This is a biggie( says ego, psychologically smart as it is.)

Ah.But it is just stuff like all ego stuff: I am just stuck in a belief that I must be perfect and always adapt to Kit’s needs to keep her love. And there it releases: I did not defend it any longer.

Now we both laugh. A lot. Big release. I think really is ego’s fear of dying.

I will allow myself to be healed when I ask for help. I will allow myself to feel safe within the body, as long as I think it and I are here. I need that I easily and lovingly set borders for my clients, when they are acting out and I am on the receiving end.

Suddenly I see how Kit mirrors my potential for receiving love. That I observe it in her, and that we are One, means that I SEE that it is available NOW. I instantly think of Barbara, my dear friend, mirroring That which has completely surrendered to the I Am. It is good to see that it is HERE – all the signs show it – and that does not necessarily mean that I will choose it with all of me.

*

A patient coming later today to session mails me and tells me that she has JUST paid me, “sorry. ” This woman has been given very clear rules: “I want to see the payment in my account before you get here. When you do not take this seriously, you are saying that you don’t respect the borders of the therapeutic space,  you are compromising the field of trust between us and subjecting me to a big deal of unpleasantness. Not following this rule  gives space for huge projections. I will not have it (she has done this 3 times) – and if it happens again, I will terminate the therapy.

So I realize that for me to be a good role model, I have to follow up and tell her that today is the last session. And so I sit down and repeat this from the session with Kit:

I will allow myself to be healed when I ask for help. I will allow myself to feel safe within the body, as long as I think it and I are here. I need that I easily and lovingly set borders for my clients, when they are acting out and I am on the receiving end.

I ask for help, and see us both enveloped in Love. I know I will say what I need to say with love, and will make sure that she sees that.

And this is what happens: The love in me is palpable. After her first shock and cry she sees it and senses it – and she can hear that she is welcome back when she knows for sure that she wants to keep this commitment that I want.

The session is marvelous for us both: I feel the safety to talk about that I do not allow anybody to act out in any way where I am on the receiving side like this – it would be a demonstration of self-abuse -and I pose questions to help her see her own confusion when it comes to not hearing what is said, and hating borders to be set. It is all lovingly explained and presented, and I tell her she is welcome back when she KNOWS that she can  say yes to this  rule without anger.

She thanks me for giving her what she needs and not expected and wanted. And realizes that she did NOT did something “wrong” by not paying in time: this process, and all the realizations, would never have happened if she hadn’t.

Trusting the process is all – and allowing Love to come through me.

We both benefited deeply from this: this is the first time where I have been able to refuse to be treated bad and not feel anxious about it at all. I am a role model – and it is good so.

And I think she will come back 🙂

“This was a mistake

Today, this stands out:

T-22.VI.5. Before a holy relationship there is no sin. 2 The form of error is no longer seen, and reason, joined with love, looks quietly on all confusion, observing merely, “This was a mistake.” 3 And then the same Atonement you accepted in your relationship corrects the error, and lays a part of Heaven in its place. 4 How blessed are you who let this gift be given! 5 Each part of Heaven that you bring is given you. 6 And every empty place in Heaven that you fill again with the eternal light you bring, shines now on you. 7 The means of sinlessness can know no fear because they carry only love with them.

When i read this, I sensed a sweet release at the words ” this was a mistake.” I remember that I am only ever reviewing the past – having the choice to condemn it or forgive the illusion of it.

I used it several times today. My neighbor drove me down to the nursery to buy plants, and poured out her complaints about being with an Alzheimer-patient and trying to correct her each time she spoke something wrong. I felt a momentary headache – confirmed “this was a mistake” and asked for help what to say. Instantly I was led to tell my neighbor that the reason she felt so exhausted, was because she felt responsible to correct the Alzheimer-patient – sort of taking her out of the sickness. What a burden! I suggested that next time, she might just enter the patients story where she believed herself to be, and meet her there.

What a great reminder to allow things to be as they are.

New vision and healing

T-22.III.8. Let not the form of his mistakes keep you from him whose holiness is yours.

Today is a day when this text springs forth in my mind, and I can see what Jesus says. I look at my father, the insane rapist: mistakes, says the Course. Inside is a gentle revolution happening, mirrored on my left (feminine) side of the body. I am filled with an intense desire to see my father as Spirit, healed and whole and innocent of being the carrier of a story that I starred him in, as my guilty violator.

2 Let not the vision of his holiness, the sight of which would show you your forgiveness, be kept from you by what the body’s eyes can see. 3 Let your awareness of your brother not be blocked by your perception of his sins and of his body. 4 What is there in him that you would attack except what you associate with his body, which you believe can sin?5 Beyond his errors is his holiness and your salvation. 6 You gave him not his holiness, but tried to see your sins in him to save yourself. 7 And yet, his holiness is your forgiveness. 8 Can you be saved by making sinful the one whose holiness is your salvation?

Could the mechanisms of projection be described more clearly than this?

T-22.III.9.6 And so it must become impossible for each to see himself as causing sin by his desire to have sin real.

Here it is again: My mind’s wish to be guilty and punished.

When I look back into earlier lives, it seems that we have played these roles many times, he and I. In this moment, sitting in the sunny room a silent Sunday morning, I choose it to end, and to truly see him as Spirit. As I need to forgive him, being willing to see with true perception, I also am willing to see that I’ve learned a lot from this experience – and that the only form of forgiveness that has made it possible to heal, is the Course’s radical one: it never happened in reality.

A wonderful release is happening on my left side. I start to remember the places where he and I shared real love:

Out In a little rowboat, just the two of us – quietly fishing for hours. He did the killing, I didn’ have to.

Out in the woods, looking for chanterelles. He always found the places, and he saved them for me. He loved my joy.

Listening to music together…Beethoven.Mozart. Schubert. Completely silent and in heaven.

Holy Spirit, you have my full willingness to have my perception healed.

Amen


The blessed disobedient child

Dream:

Lucy, Molly’s best childhood friend,(in the dream 6 years old) is in my charge. She is acting out wildly and bathing in mud water – consequently doing the opposite of what she is asked. I feel the fear of “what her parents will say” when they learn that I haven’t succeeded in controlling her daughter. I WILL BEAR THE BLAME.I AM IN DEADLY DANGER.

The anger and hatred at Lucy for this – it’s her fault that I will be seen as guilty – is tremendous. I MUST STOP HER by any means. I realize that her parents MUST NOT know that I have lost control, that I can’t be trusted. So – I put her in the refrigerator.

She calms down inside it- and starts to cry: “I will not not not meet my cousin. I am afraid!” Instantly I connect with her heart -wise, and wake up.

Lucy’s parents are my parents: for the first time, I recognize the intense fear of leaving the role of the one in the family who saves the family-secret: “nothing must seem wrong with you – only then are we safe.” I must be completely obedient, or we will all go to hell. And this kind of obedience denies absolutely everything that is not successful and nice and impeccable. And it means death to not control it.

Of course, they were right: if somebody had got a suspicion of what was going on under the idyllic perfect façade, there would have been no more façade. Or “family.”

All the hatred and disgust I felt for Lucy is what I felt about these “forbidden,” taboo feelings and behavior.

Now – here is Lucy again. Cheeky, obnoxious ( in my view) rude, gross, vulgar, sneaky, manipulating. Everything I have told myself was deadly dangerous behavior. God bless her spirit for not allowing herself to be crushed by her violent father. God bless the dream that shows me the magnitude of judgment I have laid on myself in order to stay alive and keep my parents’ “love.”

Blue is telling me that I need to be patient and give my mind time to let this dissipate. It has been a cornerstone of my identity.

*

I sit in my sun-filled living room and do a Sudoku after the dream. It is difficult and I struggle. The old dread creeps back: “I HAVE TO solve this in order to live.” I open the Course:

T-21.VII.8 .4 Is this what I would see? 5 Do I want this?

No. I do NOT want to see any problem “I” have to solve. I want to see the solution: I know it is there.

The effect of this decision is wondrous:  muscles around the eye relax, tears come, neck relaxes: by looking for troubles I am surely contributing to the neck-problems and stiffness.

When I now instead allow the solution to be visible,  the puzzle is solved very fast. Numbers that I did not see 10 seconds ago spring forth.

What a wonder  true perception is. And what a blessed process I am in.

 

 

revelation

In the shower this morning – what a great place for healing truthful insights! I start thinking about a couple of guys who were really pissed and upset about something I wrote, and had no qualms of expressing it. I felt so attacked. – And then, the insight: I really want to feel attacked and guilty.

Only in A Course in Miracles  – and Ken’s teachings – could this be a revelation: the ego would judge me for being a wuss, a pingle, a masochist, insane. And Love looked on all of that and just smiled.

No wonder I choose ego – I have to, in order to feel unjustly treated.  What a revelation to feel this without the slightest judgment at all: it is just insane, but in a silly way.

God what energy it takes to keep all of that going. And I notice how i look for it when it is not there – in order to control it and hold on to it – this old guilty me-feeling. I just notice it and smile. It’s just STUFF.

It is such a healing to notice HOW MUCH I hold onto guilt. I always thought Ken was nuts when he taught us that – and here I am, finding it and being grateful for it.

It is just a habit that I call me.

And oh: Judgment holds it all in place. I can only let it go now when I see that I choose it.

What a healing when judgments fall away.

growing up with wolves

THIS IS BARBARA GRIFFINS’ STORY. Posted here with her loving consent.

I would like to share a story that has been in my spirit all day today.

We are familiar with the tale of the human baby that was found by the wolves and then raised as a wolf.  The baby was taught how wolves hunt, find shelter, talk to one another, and fear man.  Taking this premise, let’s elaborate.  The baby turns into a boy and finds his place within the wolves.  But, something within never really feels a part of the wolves.  As hard as he tries, he never feels like he really belongs.

This boy is then found by humans.  They take him back to the world of humans.  At first the boy is very frightened because he was taught to fear man.  He keeps wanting to go back to the world he knows.  But, there is a memory within that he once belonged to this human world.  He feels the love and acceptance and then there comes a moment when he knows this is who he is.  And as hard as he tries, he can never go back to being a wolf.

We were created as Spirit.  We left Spirit and entered the world of humans.  We were taught everything a human knows.  We were taught how to love, how to feel, how to work, and how to believe.  We were given a name, a family, an occupation, a personality, and an image.  We tried very hard to live in this human world.  But, no matter how hard we tried, there was a knowing within us that this was not who we were.

Spirit finds us.  At first we are very frightened.  There is a guilt within us because we were taught that we had crucified God. We hide.  But Spirit is patient, loving and gentle.  We slowly begin to trust.  And then there comes a moment when we know, we know we are I AM.  We know we are not “me.”  We never even existed as “me”.  It was all a dream.

As Spirit we come to see that “me” is not real.  We try to find “me” and “me” can only be found in the images in our mind.  There is no “me.”  There is no family.  There is nothing but Spirit.  We are free.  We are home.   And we can never again believe that we are “me.”

The Awareness was always there.  The Awareness will always be.  As we shift our attention from “me” to I AM  the perfume of peace envelops us. There is nothing left for us to learn.  We simply have to Be.

just a bit of joy and great rhythm

Love

T-20.VI.2.5 Love wishes to be known, completely understood and shared. 6 It has no secrets; nothing that it would keep apart and hide. 7 It walks in sunlight, open-eyed and calm, in smiling welcome and in sincerity so simple and so obvious it cannot be misunderstood.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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