Love leading

Skyping with Kit. – Our sessions are usually – 99% I would say – filled with great Presence. When one speaks, the other is just there. This  morning I felt tense, and when it was my turn to listen I saw something on my PC desk that I HAD TO  move to Documents immediately. I knew inside that this was ego wanting control, feeling scared – still I choose to follow the OCD-impulse and deposit the file. In other words – I believed in the thought that this has power over me, and that it had power to destroy the loving space of truth that Kit and I share.I felt like shit: I was G U I L T Y .It took my peace, goddamn it!

When it is my turn to share, I tell Kit about this – and she suggests that this is a gift to explore between us. I quickly see how soon I gave my power away to ego. – So – what is really stealing my peace this night and morning?

Right now,it feels like a monster sitting on my neck and forcing me to bow – it is physically overwhelming. My tooth and jaw hurts, it feels like inflammation everywhere. This is a biggie( says ego, psychologically smart as it is.)

Ah.But it is just stuff like all ego stuff: I am just stuck in a belief that I must be perfect and always adapt to Kit’s needs to keep her love. And there it releases: I did not defend it any longer.

Now we both laugh. A lot. Big release. I think really is ego’s fear of dying.

I will allow myself to be healed when I ask for help. I will allow myself to feel safe within the body, as long as I think it and I are here. I need that I easily and lovingly set borders for my clients, when they are acting out and I am on the receiving end.

Suddenly I see how Kit mirrors my potential for receiving love. That I observe it in her, and that we are One, means that I SEE that it is available NOW. I instantly think of Barbara, my dear friend, mirroring That which has completely surrendered to the I Am. It is good to see that it is HERE – all the signs show it – and that does not necessarily mean that I will choose it with all of me.

*

A patient coming later today to session mails me and tells me that she has JUST paid me, “sorry. ” This woman has been given very clear rules: “I want to see the payment in my account before you get here. When you do not take this seriously, you are saying that you don’t respect the borders of the therapeutic space,  you are compromising the field of trust between us and subjecting me to a big deal of unpleasantness. Not following this rule  gives space for huge projections. I will not have it (she has done this 3 times) – and if it happens again, I will terminate the therapy.

So I realize that for me to be a good role model, I have to follow up and tell her that today is the last session. And so I sit down and repeat this from the session with Kit:

I will allow myself to be healed when I ask for help. I will allow myself to feel safe within the body, as long as I think it and I are here. I need that I easily and lovingly set borders for my clients, when they are acting out and I am on the receiving end.

I ask for help, and see us both enveloped in Love. I know I will say what I need to say with love, and will make sure that she sees that.

And this is what happens: The love in me is palpable. After her first shock and cry she sees it and senses it – and she can hear that she is welcome back when she knows for sure that she wants to keep this commitment that I want.

The session is marvelous for us both: I feel the safety to talk about that I do not allow anybody to act out in any way where I am on the receiving side like this – it would be a demonstration of self-abuse -and I pose questions to help her see her own confusion when it comes to not hearing what is said, and hating borders to be set. It is all lovingly explained and presented, and I tell her she is welcome back when she KNOWS that she can  say yes to this  rule without anger.

She thanks me for giving her what she needs and not expected and wanted. And realizes that she did NOT did something “wrong” by not paying in time: this process, and all the realizations, would never have happened if she hadn’t.

Trusting the process is all – and allowing Love to come through me.

We both benefited deeply from this: this is the first time where I have been able to refuse to be treated bad and not feel anxious about it at all. I am a role model – and it is good so.

And I think she will come back 🙂

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 17:59:06

    Whew! Nice loving work.

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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