Somewhere – here – right now

This is Tony and Maria singing – wanting a safe place to join. We know that place: it is the Heart we all share. I include this song today, for the longing in it – the longing to be Home.

Then I am savoring the helpfulness in what I discovered yesterday – the Chanterelle-metaphore: that in the middle of lost, Home is just a perception away. I used it this night, when the chaos started: stopped judging it as bad or too much, recognized “I am lost – and I choose the miracle instead.” I recognized that the lost-feeling is just a resistance to Love – a faulty perception. Then I rested and allowed myself to be led by the hand of Christ – which is my own Self – leading me to the garden of peace, where sunspots of Chanterelles were making music.

You did not know that Chanterelles can make music? my dears, they are Mozart turned into mushroom.

Chantarelles and Heaven

In bed in the morning: how I long to feel FREE. Not dreaming any longer all these stories of guilt and having to atone for sins. Being free of all the pain and stiffness and blocks in the  head/neck-area.

So I decide to tune into that something  in the mind that thinks it has to control to be safe.As I move towards it in  my awareness, I pass through layers of stories and illusions. It feels like the main “controller” has its own personality.

I talk to the controller from my true Self – sharing an image that comes to me: chanterelles in the wood. ( I pronounced it “Chantarel” and the word-correcting program suggested “Archangel.” Which is really appropriate, as you will see in a while.)

Chanterelles may be my absolute favorite food: sautéed with butter and parsley and some salt and pepper – heavenly. When I find them in the wood, they seem like bits of sunshine. I fall to my knees and sniff them and often have tears in my eyes. They are sacred to me.

One time I was lost in the wood. I had lost the path, and had no idea where I was. Terror overtook me. I wandered around in the bush and prayed and cried, and there, right in front of me- the biggest chanterelle-place I ever saw. Terror disappeared, I picked and picked and filled up my shirt.

The happiness I felt at finding Heaven subdued the terror. I listened inward to sense the right direction, and soon found the right path again.

I tell the control-me that this is what we choose to do from now: Look for chanterelles only and dismiss the poisonous mushrooms – the thoughts of fear and control.

Looking for chanterelles does not mean that I am looking away to something in the future: it is right here and now – as something that is either beautiful or pleasurable and present. I find it and dwell there.

*

My father had a split personality: Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. His Hyde-part abused and tortured me for years – without anybody in the family being aware of it. I was 38 years before I was able to remember and reconnect to my past.

The same man who raped was also a kind father who loved to take his daughter hiking in the woods  and look for chantarelles. He always knew where to find the treasures, he always “gave them” to me. His greatest joy was to sit and watch me go bananas in joy and picking all of them.

I find it symbolic and deeply meaningful to see that the man who harmed was the same man who looked for Heaven and took me to It.

Dismissing

I noticed this morning that the color of the roof-plates that I made a major fuss about, was exactly the same color as my neighbors’ plates. It is completely incomprehensible to me that I earlier could see my neighbors’ roofs as yellow, when they are clearly clear blue. It shows me how much I am still addicted to drama and problems.

But not really. I am very correctable, thank God. I found this note in one of my Acim-notebooks this morning. The word “dismissing” gives me such a help to understand a vital ingredient of the forgiveness-process: dismissing is just whiffing it away as not serious at all. It is making attack-thoughts not real: I am reminded I am not asked to do anything about them just dismiss them as not serious.

It works so well!

This is what Ken said – from question 590:

As for what else you want to do, your part is simply to continue to be aware of whenever your ego tries to step back in again and take control — for its voice can seem to drown out the Voice for peace. This means recognizing all the feelings of anxiety, apprehension, anger, and alarm, which may seem to be coming from failure to find a job, but are coming from failing to carry out the only job assignment we have in this world — forgiveness. And that means that we are taking ourselves and our attack thoughts seriously, whatever form they may take, whomever they may be directed against, including ourselves. And that’s the real cause of our fear, for unconsciously we anticipate retaliation, from God, for those attack thoughts. So bringing them into conscious awareness allows us to look at them and their source — the ego — and, with the Holy Spirit’s help, dismiss them back into the nothingness that is their source.

And that is the miracle. 

The old dear guilt

Today I discovered a clear link between bad conscience and giving. Thinking about the beggars in town – how often I have given them money out of guilty conscience – and how I  have a strong connection between the feeling of guilt when I see them and the impulse to give. How clear it is now: I have been giving out of guilt, not freely from the heart. I have allowed the guilt-feelings to decide when to give – quite automatically.This automatic response expressed in  giving must surely be the case in therapy-relationships too. As soon as we feel the pang of guilt, we try to erase it by giving/being nice. By we I mean me.

It feels like a cleansing spring-rain to decide that I want to be aware next time the impulse to give comes. Does it come from the heart, with no attachments or agendas at all – or does it come from  guilt?

 

Happiness and peace

I knew from the start that it would be a great day, and that I would see signs everywhere I looked of my inner state of mind. I felt a bubbling joy at that thought: it felt like walking in to an adventure

It was  of course my favorite buss-driver. Radiant smile. Good start! After a while, he wanted to adjust his  right armrest. It came up – but would  not go down again. The more he tried, the worse it got jammed. I connected to an inner irritation in me: he was acting it out.I was watching and waiting for what would happen. I was sure it would be good. And he solved it so sweetly: he just rested his elbow on the new position of the armrest. He rested with his irritation.

What a sweet metaphor! I spotted the inner irritation and just rested with it. It is it, and I am I.

It abated.

In town, two  beggars asked for money. I refused both of them for the same reason: I felt bad conscience, not love and joy at the thought.

7 white swans swam in the river today. That river has become a swan-eldorado. What beauty.

Today I saw “The best exotic Marigold Hotel for elderly” for the second time. I adore that movie. When I bought my ticket, a new girl with nametag”Leelah” was serving me. Nice.

In the row in front of me, a young mother with her tiny baby was sitting ( it was “Baby-movie.”) When she put her baby on her shoulder, we looked right at each other. It had a perfect circle round face, big dark eyes and hair – and we stared to smile at the same wondrous moment. Our eyes just rested in each others, and  complete happiness and peace permeated me. And it: I could see in its face what happened between us.

Then the tiny baby started to laugh. It felt like I was given a sweet gift.

And I wonder if I am going to go to India.

I am in charge. Fear is not

I have a mind pattern that loves to threaten with disaster. This is part of an archetypal defense-complex: first there is intense fear, and then defense tries to control the mind with whipping it into correct behavior to be safe. “Do this, or else! Understand this, or else!” The “or else” is a lot about being THE black sheep – responsible for everybody’s safety. I have named this pattern “Mudmonster.”

This is the role of anybody who has been abused in a family where the abuse itself has been deleted from everybody’s consciousness: what I call “The Jekyll and Hyde-syndrome.” The abusee is given the role as the black sheep, carrying the family’s pain and guilt: the abuse is a need for self-inflicted punishment which is subconsciously acted out on the “victim.”

And all this is all split off and dissociated – just as the first horrible experience of believing the separation was real and really happened. There is a clear metaphysical connection here: as I realize it, something in the mind delicately melts into softness.

This defense-pattern – painting the devil on the wall – has stalked me all my life, and I have believed in its threats. It is extremely physical, and has strong magnetism in its vortex.

What brought it up to the surface this time was a job I have given a carpenter -of rehabilitating a plastic roof. I have had certain demands that has to be followed, and it seems that the carpenter had overlooked the most important: he bought plastic-plates with the wrong color: now mine was different from my neighbors.

The thought of telling the carpenter this brought out Mudmonster in all his crazy gloory. (New word.) As he rattled off all the nuances and details of what would go wrong if I did not do the  perfect ONE right thing, I felt weaker and more paralyzed. I fed the monster by making it real. And while I knew he was in operation, so much of me believed he was helpful.

I had already given the relationship between the carpenter and me to H.S. I had visualized how I wanted our next meeting to be. That I still could feel so horrible must be my fault. Again and again – I am guilty.

But the carpenter did not come, as I thought he should have, this morning. I decided to make some phones and check where the correct plates were to be bought. it took about 5 calls to be connected to the right person who had provided the plates to the rest of my row of condos. He told me angrily that it would take him an hour to find out. I did not react with Mud-reactions, just silently waited. He told me in a different and calm voice that I could call him up after work. Strange and wonderful what happened.

Now it took me 5 more calls to get the cellphone-number to the carpenter. The first was hilarious. The carpenter has a very unusual name – like Hippopotamus Smith – and the guy I found on google had this name and was a carpenter, so of course I thought it was him – he even lived close by.

It was another “Hippopotamus Smith, carpenter.”

Now we giggled quite a lot during this talk, which even started to develop into a nice flirt – and it relaxed me completely. Two more phones – where the silliest things went wrong – and I had the right phone-nr.

After all these silly calls I felt almost no nervousness at all now – and as I told  Hippo about the wrong plates, I felt the good words coming, and he answered and responded in the exact wonderful way I had visualized.

Absolutely NOTHING of what Mudmonster had painted up for me had happened.

As I sit and write this, my brother Skypes me. He tells me that his cell-phone just had a message that I had tried to call. Which I had not. But again I am reminded of the strange laws of electromagnetic signals: somehow my brother’s cell receiver  – in Africa, where he lives – picked up my signal/my energy. So I shared how I had just had a wonderful experience with an old fear-monster and had  melted some big blocks. It felt great to share it and have it received.

Preparing a late breakfast,the Mud energy is trying to install itself again – I find myself literally searching for possible situations that could go wrong with me and Hipp. I have mercy for myself: this is heavy energy-stuff. I open one of my many acim-note-books and ask to find a note that I can use right now, when the pattern wants to strengthen itself. Nr- 13: “I allow this to be dissolved for me.”

Yes thank you. Allowing dissolves the last remnants of doing.

 

Being blessed with gifts

Got a phone-call today by Kit. She had just got a phone from a possible new client – and the only time he could take it, was in Kits and mine be-weekly sharing session.

She shared the fear of saying no to prospective clients – she heard an inner voice speaking about “how important” it is to say yes and fill the list and all those therapist- beliefs. I was reminded about the time where I thought it was much more important to say yes to clients wishes that listening to my body and mind – and I drove myself down into burnout and near-death. I kid you not. There was a time where I pushed myself to go to a seminar in Switzerland for my education, where I felt like squeezed to death from demands for all the things I “had to” do – and a big trailer pushed my taxi slowly closer to a stone wall. I knew that I HAD TO return home, or be crushed – and one millimeter before we crashed I yelled “ I have to turn around!” In the same second the trailer moved away.

I think I have recently told this story on the blog -but I search for it, and cannot find it.

What threatened to crush me was the belief that “I have to override myself(sic) in order to fill other peoples’ (overwhelming) demands in order to be called a good therapist.” In other words, a strong fear based belief.

This “It is important”-belief came from fear – and is therefore not true.

I shared with Kit how several excellent businessmen had the same lesson in therapy with me: they all got clients with demands they thought they could not say no to. And each time they themselves had a session with me, a new client called – or an old one had an urgent need that always had to come before their  taking care of their own needs.

I told them that this would go on until they chose to honor their own need for time  and nourishment  – in this case, their session with me. 3 men discovered that when they really chose to not override their session there were no other requests from clients for this particular time. The turnaround came when they MEANT IT with all their heart: “My need for growth is as important as others.”

With Kit, I now discovered that I too had – without really noticing it – made another appointment at our usual date. I found a belief/voice that yelled: “I KNOW it was the appointment -time with Kit, BUTBUTBUT  I  NEEEEDED this other theater-matinee so much…if I did not choose it, I would fall apart!”

What??

I came from the same automatic fear as Kit: telling myself the same stories about how important it was to do that other appointment instead of our great work together. And the voice saying that came from fear, and was NOT right.

We both saw that if she had said no to the belief that getting a new client was more important than our work together  trusting that all was well, she would have had other client-requests: they would reflect her choice for space ,and that her time for herself was as valuable.

And we saw that it was not about having to say no to clients – it was about which space we were coming from: love and trust – or fear/ego/believing in demands.

It felt like sitting in a shower of cleansing light as I saw that I had been stuck in this old sufferer-identity: “You will DIE if you miss that theater-matinée.” I was telling myself that ONLY that could fill the agonized child within. But when I believe her, I in no way can be open to what Love holds in front of me.

We saw how perfect this new client’s gift to Kit was:  to realize the importance of balance was immensely healing. And for me, the gift was to realize that my old suffering-identity had been trying to sabotage our relationship.All was perfectly set up for our growth and release from old fear patterns.

A little while after we hung up, Kit mailed me and told that three new clients had booked new sessions. It happened in the last minutes of our conversation.

I love the teachings of the Universe

It really looks serious but it aint

This is the weirdest day. It has lasted about 45 hours since the morning.

Mary mailed me, contradicted herself and stopped our partnership. I was thinking how much I have worked with forgiving all the aspects of our relationship – and how I saw us, clearly, a couple of nights ago, within a cocoon of radiant light. I got the “message” that all was taken care of between us, whatever happened later was just part of the dream/the script – not to be taken seriously.

That made it possible not to answer the strange mail, to “set her straight”, to correct the contradiction and all kind of those things. What was real, was the image I had seen -so I just let it all go.

And the big trial against the terrorist started today. I am swallowed up by the collective feeling about it all: overwhelming stuff to put it mildly. I am sitting glued to the TV, watching me watching it and having all these reactions – and allowing.

Outside it was wonderful sunny weather – then it started to hail, and now it is sunny again. My sense of time has gone.

But I am hanging in there

 

Gravity is not really real

Pure art

Sense the level of peace he takes you into

the real source of guilt

Myron Jones yesterday reminded us in her blog that we don’t feel groggy, depressed and anxious because of what happened to us here in the world. We are feeling what we are feeling because of the unconscious guilt in the mind – which we project into the stories in our life. And then we can blame the stories/the past/ for how we are feeling in the present. In other words: psychology.

The only cause is the guilt. The stories/the past are our projection of the guilt.

There seems to be insanity in the split mind. There was insanity in my childhood. The insanity was acted out by adults in various ways. In my story, I was on the receiving end of that. Psychologically, the insanity is in my mind and needs to be worked with – as long as I believe that the body and personality is my identity.

But I am not a body. I am free. I am just as God created me. Myron’s post was intensely important for me to be able to at last place the cause where it is: in the guilt in the mind, and not in my story about a “me.”

All my explorations of Myths, religions, metaphysics, art, Mystery traditions, archetypes – beneath it all was the ardent wish to heal and be of help to others who also wanted healing. So, as long  as I worked psychologically within the genres that interested me, I was gaining a sense of disidentification with the story/personality – the steps taken were all leading me to this place: to really NOT believe in the stories any longer.

A clear plateau has been reached.

The stories are projections of guilt – and the forms of those projections are insignificant: they are all part of the dream of separation that I have valued as more interesting than being the beloved Son of God.

In the dream this night, I was driving around with an insane guy. I saw through his delusions, and told him I was not willing to drive him around anymore. Then he became nasty and threatening, and I woke up.

Suddenly it all seemed crystal clear: my childhood – and countless incarnations – is my projection of unconscious guilt and ONLY that. I saw my story as a dream, and myself as the dreamer. IT NEVER HAPPENED IN REALITY.There is nothing to fix: projections are projections, the form varies, but they all keep us away from the original guilt in the mind which needs to be forgiven, piece by piece, as it attaches itself to the people in the world I have judgments about.

Right now it is Mary: I mailed her and suggest we come together and communicate what we want and need in our partnership – and she does not answer.

Do I want to communicate with someone who does not want to communicate with me?

Do I just turn up at Skype, not knowing what will happen – and allow the Holy Spirit to speak through me?

This is clearly a classroom – and ego tells me how important it is to do it “the right way.”

And maybe both ways are OK – because I really want to do this with no one of us losing/”winning”.

Ah. In other words: whatever I chose, it is OK.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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