I am in charge. Fear is not

I have a mind pattern that loves to threaten with disaster. This is part of an archetypal defense-complex: first there is intense fear, and then defense tries to control the mind with whipping it into correct behavior to be safe. “Do this, or else! Understand this, or else!” The “or else” is a lot about being THE black sheep – responsible for everybody’s safety. I have named this pattern “Mudmonster.”

This is the role of anybody who has been abused in a family where the abuse itself has been deleted from everybody’s consciousness: what I call “The Jekyll and Hyde-syndrome.” The abusee is given the role as the black sheep, carrying the family’s pain and guilt: the abuse is a need for self-inflicted punishment which is subconsciously acted out on the “victim.”

And all this is all split off and dissociated – just as the first horrible experience of believing the separation was real and really happened. There is a clear metaphysical connection here: as I realize it, something in the mind delicately melts into softness.

This defense-pattern – painting the devil on the wall – has stalked me all my life, and I have believed in its threats. It is extremely physical, and has strong magnetism in its vortex.

What brought it up to the surface this time was a job I have given a carpenter -of rehabilitating a plastic roof. I have had certain demands that has to be followed, and it seems that the carpenter had overlooked the most important: he bought plastic-plates with the wrong color: now mine was different from my neighbors.

The thought of telling the carpenter this brought out Mudmonster in all his crazy gloory. (New word.) As he rattled off all the nuances and details of what would go wrong if I did not do the  perfect ONE right thing, I felt weaker and more paralyzed. I fed the monster by making it real. And while I knew he was in operation, so much of me believed he was helpful.

I had already given the relationship between the carpenter and me to H.S. I had visualized how I wanted our next meeting to be. That I still could feel so horrible must be my fault. Again and again – I am guilty.

But the carpenter did not come, as I thought he should have, this morning. I decided to make some phones and check where the correct plates were to be bought. it took about 5 calls to be connected to the right person who had provided the plates to the rest of my row of condos. He told me angrily that it would take him an hour to find out. I did not react with Mud-reactions, just silently waited. He told me in a different and calm voice that I could call him up after work. Strange and wonderful what happened.

Now it took me 5 more calls to get the cellphone-number to the carpenter. The first was hilarious. The carpenter has a very unusual name – like Hippopotamus Smith – and the guy I found on google had this name and was a carpenter, so of course I thought it was him – he even lived close by.

It was another “Hippopotamus Smith, carpenter.”

Now we giggled quite a lot during this talk, which even started to develop into a nice flirt – and it relaxed me completely. Two more phones – where the silliest things went wrong – and I had the right phone-nr.

After all these silly calls I felt almost no nervousness at all now – and as I told  Hippo about the wrong plates, I felt the good words coming, and he answered and responded in the exact wonderful way I had visualized.

Absolutely NOTHING of what Mudmonster had painted up for me had happened.

As I sit and write this, my brother Skypes me. He tells me that his cell-phone just had a message that I had tried to call. Which I had not. But again I am reminded of the strange laws of electromagnetic signals: somehow my brother’s cell receiver  – in Africa, where he lives – picked up my signal/my energy. So I shared how I had just had a wonderful experience with an old fear-monster and had  melted some big blocks. It felt great to share it and have it received.

Preparing a late breakfast,the Mud energy is trying to install itself again – I find myself literally searching for possible situations that could go wrong with me and Hipp. I have mercy for myself: this is heavy energy-stuff. I open one of my many acim-note-books and ask to find a note that I can use right now, when the pattern wants to strengthen itself. Nr- 13: “I allow this to be dissolved for me.”

Yes thank you. Allowing dissolves the last remnants of doing.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. notesofashamanstudent
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 17:16:25

    Awesome! Thank you for sharing this! It helped me so much and made me laugh.


  2. Deborah Bostic
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 22:35:19

    Oh my gosh!—we are in the same stream.

    I had new windows installed in my condo over the weekend, and I realized when they were finished that I hadn’t gotten all of the proper approval forms completed. Ego jumped right on that and has been torturing me for days with scenarios that include being forced to have all the windows removed or being fined or having legal battles, and on and on…..

    I often feel as though the inside of my head is one of those computer-game battlefields with the constant sounds of bombs exploding and the rat-a-tat-tats of machine gun fire. I tell myself that I want peace, but that must not be true because I don’t choose it.

    There is some insane mechanism in me that seems to need the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that goes along with my gloom-and-doom thinking process.

    The most terrifying question of all is “Who would I be without this ego torture?” There is a part of me that believes that it would mean the end of existence, and there is another part of me that believes it would be the beginning of living. I just need to listen to the right teacher.

    Thank you for writing this. I feel less alone.




  3. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 17:19:14

    You are amazing! Thanks for this brilliant analysis of your own dealings with Hippopotomus. (My High School boyfirend of Greek origin carried — and tried to hide — the middle name Hippocrates.)


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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