The crash: a wake-up call

With my latest client, I sense myself being sucked into a mental vortex of ego: she wants so much to know what to DO in a situation ( she’s in love:-)

I know inside where we have reached a plateau – if I don’t tell her to stop and breathe at this place, something in me lies down and surrenders all her power to the client, just now being reduced to the nice and helpful and wise therapist-role. This is the pattern of surrender my inner child had: since there were no words acceptable to stop the crazy men, the pattern became to overcome it, to help the craziness by giving it what it wanted.

I see the pattern. I am not that: I am that which is aware of it.

But yesterday, I crashed. Hard. After the session, I went to the mall. I bought food and a bottle of wine. At the cashier, it dropped out of my hand and fell on my left big toe. I thought it was crushed.

When I looked at the toe at home, it was swollen and blue – and lots of blood had gathered at the place where the toe is attached to the sole of the foot. This place on the toe connects energy-wise to the neck-area: energy doesn’t flow freely there either.

So at home, I sat with the swollen toe in a bowl of cool water. I suddenly KNEW I HAD TO GET COMFORT and arose, walking to the phone. The foot was wet and slid on the floor – and I crashed with strong force into a chair. The chair hit me in the spleen/ribs – exactly the same place where I broke some ribs before.

I called my almost-daughter: my niece, who is also a physician and a psychiatrist. It brought down some terror, but I could hardly breathe, and the night was very awkward and sleepless.

Then – around  4 am I was certain that my spleen had ruptured. I packed a bag for the hospital, sat down and read the Course, finally found a way to just look at the stuff as it presented itself in the moment and allow it to be like it was. I also found Stephen Levine’s wondrous book “Healing into life and death”

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-into-Death-Stephen-Levine/dp/0385262191

The kindness in Stephen’s soul was calling on my own. I found a way to just be with it with mercy, and gave it to the Holy Spirit, being willing to be wrong about every one of the reasons I found for my pain. I went back to bed, and the pain seemed to have eased about 50%. I fell asleep for a couple of hours – and when I woke up, the ruptured-sense of the spleen seemed to have healed.

I saw that I had to mail my client and be open about what she could expect from me, and what not. I am there not to be a wise adviser, but to help people let go of the perceived blocks to their Self.

(The Levines have a wonderful website with old and new videos uploaded. Ram Dass is present on one of them. It costs  ridiculous10 dollars a month to subscribe, and you have all the videos for free.

http://www.levinetalks.com

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Barbara
    May 17, 2012 @ 15:24:35

    Our peace is always present. When we find a way to as you said “to just be with it” then all the little ripples (or crashing waves) calm and we walk on the water. Love all your journaling. You are so transparent and vivid. I could see myself going to the store to get a bottle of wine and then dropping that bottle on my toe!

    Love,

    Barbara

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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