Close to Home

Dream: I am on a convention for healers. I wear a blue knitted vest – and then suddenly, it becomes white! And it now shifts from blue to white to blue to white – until I get it: this is an illusion. I am within an illusion.

The I am walking through a forest. It is night, but I feel safe. It seems that I have no luggage 🙂 Now it is quite dark, but I know there is a cliff some place  in front of me, so it is not safe to walk in the dark. I turn around, and it is as the day has just been switched on (well, this IS an illusion, so -) I turn around again, and notice that there is no cliff, just a steep hill. I run down the hill, and notice that I am very close to home.


Later today, I had a moment where I identified with being one who was tricked and taken advantage of. I remembered that I had dreamt the situation, and that I wanted to choose again. I chose the miracle, and the most exquisite  feelings welled up in me. Great was my joy when I realized that this belongs to my Christ Self – it does not come from the outside: when fear is gone, Love is present.

To recognize that THIS is Who I am –

I have no words

Shadows on the wall

Dream: My brother is torturing an animal lying on the ground. I tell him to stop, he then ties the animal up. I exclaim: “You are evil!” And at once, his face becomes the face of a demon.

When I woke up, I realized that he became “evil” because I projected that on him.That must mean that I think that I need to have evil in me. Why?? “To get my will.” I see that in my ego mind, I somehow think that “evil” helps me have power and control in situations where I  seem to be in danger, under attack.

I released this belief to the Holy Spirit, and fell asleep again. Now I dreamed that I was in the back of a short tunnel together with a bus. The bus reversed toward me,standing with my back to the wall,  I screamed “stop” and woke up.

I remembered the recent “accident” where I broke a rib – an apt symbol of the same process. It is clear to me that as long as I believe I need to be evil to defend myself, the opposite side of the coin – the child being tortured – also will seem to come alive, because my belief in “the need for evil.” Including control and violence, of course.

Right now, it is  clear to me that this world is an illusion – and that I, as One mind, project it from second to second. Evil and separation – at last I found the part of me (that is, the ego- thought-system that I identify with) that “wants” it.

These days, the trial against the terrorist from the July 22nd last year is shown in TV. The essential question that the court must answer  is whether Breivik is psychotic ( or was, when the act was performed – in that case, he can not be found guilty and will be locked up into an institution for  the criminally insane. His defense is built solely on the premise that he is guilty  and sane and responsible and must be punished. That must be the only case in the world where this is the case.)

But of course: the two psychiatric teams that has evaluated him have opposite views! And the process about how often psychiatrists diagnose,  judge and analyze from what they expect to find – yet an example of projection – is being played out in the media, and allows us all to be thoroughly educated about these mechanisms.

Breivik shares a view with Hitler: some people are not humans, but vermin – and one has to “exterminate them to save the country and keep it pure.” In B’s case, the threat he senses is that our very essence – our nationality – is being culturally obliterated by a conspiracy between our Labour Party and “the militant Muslims” who are “taking over” our country.

According to the Course, these are projections of his own fear of having “taken over” God. Now the bad enemy is seen outside – and killing children are justified. They are now “legitimate targets to be eliminated.”

It is the same mechanism,is it not? Like Plato’s cave-dwellers, believing that the flickering shadows on the walls are real and dangerous – while the Light is on the opposite side, available when they change their view 180 degrees.

We are just looking at a projection at the screen/the world: violence is necessary and man is evil. And IF the world was real, it would surely be true.

One moment only has Breivik shown feelings and cried openly: the first day,the prosecutor played a amateur video that Breivik had made for the court. It had all the symbols that he truly loves: Knight Templars. The Maltese cross. He cried because this was a demonstration of what he loved, and it opened his shield of control and completely took him by surprise.

Prospero: (The Tempest, act 4)
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp’d tow’rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.


9th of June I attended a one-day workshop with Gary and Cindy Renard. Wonderful! I was sitting right in front of him, 7 feet away, so I could do a lot of looking into his eyes. PURE JOY, peace,fun,happiness. The joy was not of this world – and to see that was Heaven.

I noted down his suggestion for a good forgiveness-structure:

1)NOTICE the grievance and the reaction you have to x (whatever is in the front of your face.)

2)STOP the ego reaction/thinking – DON*T ANALYZE

3)SWITCH OVER: – from victim to dreamer:
Realize with the H.S that what you see is what YOU have projected – it is not real. It does not happen TO you, it happens THROUGH you. Forgive what he/she never did in reality.

4) REMEMBER GOD: Replace the illusion/ image of what seemed to happen with Eternal Spirit: look beyond the false images and false experiences to the Light.

For me what was astonishingly effective was to STOP the automatic reaction. I never did that:-) I thought it had to be like that – but after stopping now, and choosing to replace the false images with Light …that is so cool. And I can do that in different ways: I can choose to see a spot of light in the person I think has offended me, and join with that …- or I can decide to remember God … or I can ask H.S to choose for God for me – or something else that I am guided to. A way I particularly love is to ask myself “and can you allow these false images/experiences to be replaced by LOVE? That way, it is not “me”, ego, doing anything “spiritual” – no effort – just allowing Source to correct my perception and to heal what needs healing.

At the workshop, a very strong demonstration of the projection-mechanism happened between me and a friend. When I saw her in the door, I noticed that she did not want to look me in the eyes –  she looked away,looking uncomfortable, fidgeting – both our smiles were strained. I immediately made up a story that she was angry at me for leaving a lecture she held recently before it ended.

So in  the break I went over to her and let her know that I found her lecture inspiring, and that I was sorry that I had to leave early. “Oh, but I knew that was because of your broken rib” she said, and everything of that former uncomfortable attitude was gone.

In psychology, there is a form of transference called “projective identification.” This is from Wikipedia:

Projective identification differs from simple projection in that projective identification can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, whereby a person, believing something false about another, relates to that other person in such a way that the other person alters their behavior to make the belief true. The second person is influenced by the projection and begins to behave as though he or she is in fact actually characterized by the projected thoughts or beliefs, a process that may happen outside the awareness of both parties involved.

Being a Course-student, this was such a great experience how we as egos project our guilt outside and SEE IT AS REAL in the others. As soon as I was willing to find out what had happened, it all dissolved, and saw only the radiant Love that my friend is – and felt it in me too.

Now it is much easier to disregard what I see as bad behavior in others:it is only “false experience” and is a reflection of something in my mind that I have judged as “bad.” For me, the moment I realize this, the other’s behavior changes.

Saying no – in another way

I found this night, that what worked yesterday, did not seem to work at all tonight. And suddenly I got why: it feels like my ego is fighting itself – IT is telling itself to stop speaking. That’s why it feels like a huge job: I am fighting myself. but I HAVE perseverance 🙂 YES :::giggles::: and I found something to say that is no work at all:
When I sense the heavy fields of energy, telling me that I am within a story I have made real, I just heard Blue’s voice suggest “And can you allow Love to simply touch that lightly?”
And I said yes of course – and I felt myself melting. And suddenly a sweet insight arose: “I do not need to push myself any longer.” It was a visceral knowing – I have always equated pushing with becoming safe. It is not truth.
Saying No to ego somehow became “work to better myself” – but it seems that all I have to do is ALLOW H.S to sweetly touch whatever comes up.
Saying no somehow meant a judgment to me – and I have an inkling that as I allow stuff to be blessed and touched by Love,I will naturally don’t entertain ego-lies any longer. But for me, easy does it – and with saying “No” it felt like a lot of work, instead of just allowing Love to deal with it.
I had a patient this day – and taught her the same procedure – “could you allow love to touch that lightly?” It was a wonder to see her face melt  –
and we don’t even have to know how, of course – just allow it to be done FOR us –

I also see now, that doing this, I AM saying no to insanity – but not with words and trying 🙂

Saying no- and the healing effects

Yesterday, I saw the  Russian movie “Elena.” A perfect “Film noir” – and for Course students, a clear demonstration of what happens when we think we can save others, and do it on our own, as an ego.

She has married a rich man, who is not willing to provide Elena’s  son and grandson with money-help: he thinks the son should take care of his family himself. We know after 2 minutes that this son will drink himself to death and, and his grandson falls into the same pattern – but Elena thinks that money will help them: she sees them as victims. As they do themselves too.

So she kills her husband, who has recently had a heart attack, with Viagra ( she is a former nurse), empties the safe for all the money stashed there ( which was supposed to be the heritage for the husband’s daughter) and the whole wildly dysfunctional family moves into her posh house.She is supporting the ego – and it will end in disaster for all.

The end-scene is one of the most scary I ever have seen – the little baby of the son’s family takes a nap on the big bed where Elena killed her husband. We see that he has a nightmare, wakes up and tries to move away – what will become of this baby?

For me, the film clearer than anything else shows me what happens when we try to “heal” the ego instead of saying NO to it. When the mother feels responsible for “saving” her son’s family, the whole nightmare moves in with her – and her secret.


Lately, when I have asked for help at Myron Jones’ Course blog, there has been a unanimous suggestion that I need to say NO to the ego. Just simply no, as a statement of will: God did not create pain and suffering, and I am created in His image. So I will say NO to all the lies the ego thought-system feeds me with.

I did this in the night – for hours. Sensing how scared I am of saying NO – having learned that “what you resist, persists” – but now realizing that saying no was not resistance, but a choice to NOT listen to lies. And notwithstanding my expectations that this would NOT work – IT DID. Just a little while after starting saying a firm NO, I sensed right-minded thoughts coming in: it was all presented to me, what to think and say. I followed it gladly, and the terror and pain diminished.

The change in energy through this practice was formidable. As I proceeded, I became aware energetically of the huge heaviness that had fed me all the lies: it really felt like a tunnel filled with dirty snow and ice, as in the dream recently. Now it lightened remarkably.

Toward the morning I was aware that this is some job. I am looking forward to being able to allow Divine help much faster: there seems to be a lot of resistance to saying no – and now wonder, knowing how much influence the “false savior”-archetype has had in my life. SEEING the horrible results from being driven by it is very very effective and healing.



Self Sabotage

This is so central for me these days. SOO much suffering – and luckily Ken knows all about this game:

Fur Elise – as martial arts

See – this is a great lesson of awareness: first, the focus. Then the wild outburst – but because it is cradled by the focus and the end-prayer/thank you, it is art and not insanity.

It does not hurt that it is funny as hell either.


I can not wake up alone,without my brother

Dream: I am traveling on the longest train in the world. I have attended a course with clay, and have made many exquisite clay figures that I have brought with me in my luggage.

As I walk through the train, I leave my luggage behind in the compartment that is “mine” and some friends, and enter a dark compartment. Still, I recognize my brother – and we embrace.

Writing this, huge feelings pours through me: this brother and I have numerous incarnations together, mostly as lovers/spouses. In each of the incarnations that I know of, he has had the role of “betraying” that love – many times for monastic life, or a life in a Mystery Tradition. And I have had the familiar role of the betrayed and abandoned and left poor woman.

He has “betrayed” and left me this life too: he simply will and can not accept that I experienced the abuse that I did – that would crush his image of our father for him. So he is just silent. We don’t communicate. And as I don’t want to push him to accept what he can not, I have accepted the situation – but in my heart, I miss him so.

Now, in the dream, in the soft darkness, we embraced.And embraced,and embraced. I feel the old feeling of this NOW: there has never been any man I have loved as you. All old grievances slip off, as we see each other as the Holy Son of God. It is laughable to think that there ever could be anything else than this love between us.

Now we have reached the end stop of the journey. The tracks lead into a tunnel, but it is filled with snow and ice. Strangely, I spot somebody clearing that tunnel from the other side: we will get through! And so… I just have to get my luggage! I simply can not leave those clay-figures – my precious creations – so I tell him to wait for me, and rush back through the train…will it still be there?

I find one bag – but it seems empty! Franticly I call to my friends to help me, and one of them finds it for me –

I take my 3 bags and run to my brother- I have used hours on this search for luggage – will he still wait for me? Will he BE there?

“Are you here?” I call, and there he is – standing in a black suit in a stair, leading out of the train, through the roof – and he smiles and all time has left and all that is left is LOVE.

At the journey’s end we are One again – and I cannot get there without my Brother, as the Course says.

As I wake up from the dream, my body still carries the imprint from this embrace in LOVE. A little taste of Heaven for sure: a state of absolute clarity, peace and joy – and simplicity.

To open my heart for both of us is wonderful beyond words.


Here are many symbols of transitions – : the dark suit, the end of the journey, the stairs leaving the train/journey -this might mean that he might be close to death –

and if so, I know well that his body may die, but this connection to Love and Oneness never will-

and all the rest is completely meaningless

Lost in the story

So often I am lost in the story I call “mine.” Whenever strong pains come, the body is involved, and I am sucked into the story that these are “my” pains and not “the” pain in our collective pain-body.

The only remedy I have then is to remember that as long as I believe in this, I am lost in confusion and ego, and can not advise or help myself. But what I can do, is sit up and find a Course-wise-word-notebook, flip it open and read what Love has to say to me. Always – no exception – I find words that dis-identify me with the victim-me.

The undressing room

(For those who haven't seen these stories before: 
First, I paint a painting of max 1 minute. Just allowing the brush to go, no forms. 
Then I look for "characters" and outline them - and give them a name. 
Then I allow a short story to take form, involving the characters in ways that
just comes to me.


The Shame Box

 “Whoo! And out of the box I came. I am the bearded Greygreen Shame Googlemonster…I had to get out, she found me at last, in the recesses of her vast storehouse of mind…I am the shame of being woman, and object of sexuality and nothing more -oh the shame of being such a lowlife thing! Yes,lady, you are hiding your eyes from me, but I am out of the box now, and I can’t get back in again.” –

The lady wails, “Why the heck did I open that hell hole, it was much better closed!”

“Oh no no no no no” says Blue Mary at the lady’s head, “We are going to use this for good. You bearded thing looks so monstrous only because you believe in this shame-identity. Now enough already. Just drop into the stream going from the box into the head of the woman – You are in for a big surprise…“

He drops. How sweet to fall and just float – his mossy old slimy hide is softening, and the journey through the circle of incarnations, fluid and shameless, feels wonderful. At last he is at the top – and Mary’s back is opening softly to him, he melts into her  -o h h h h  o o hhh   h   h  – this is not shame, this is golden peace, yellow laughter, juicy play – fullness – forgiveness is what it is –

“Forgiveness is like an “undressing”-room where I hang all my old false identities” thinks the lady –

And then there is only radiant Space

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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