Being with the root-fear today …

I was Skyping with Kit, after a long summer-pause. I was sharing the wish to “turn the lantern” at the very root of my perception that it is dangerous to be me and have a WILL. This is a part in a great online self-awareness workshop I am taking: 2baware by Ido Lanuel.

So I am taking it to the very root level: I am afraid that it is dangerous to BE with Truth – or God. The same. I am afraid of having MY will – and it’s not ego-will I am talking about: I am afraid to have a will AT ALL. The memory of having a will at all – the ability to say no, or show resistance, means certain death. You do not show resistance to an insane person who is attacking you as a baby.This fear is accented by the strong heart-pains described in an earlier post today – which gives me the idea that I am having a heart attack/may be dying – and of course the ego/body is afraid of that.

But the fear is a memory. I am not in danger now.

The Internet contact is broken – for the 5th time this session. I decide that I WILL have this connection with Kit – and that it is NOT life-threatening. Connection re-established.

I discover that it is not necessary to have contact with the wild terror at the root of these perceptions. I am now sinking down to the place where I know that I must not say a word in order to save my life. The more I eradicate myself, the safer am I.

This is a core belief my soul has had. I sense it filling me completely. And I am Ok with it.

I am filled with the deepest peace. Accepting the fear/belief as just a wrong minded thought, I AM FREE FROM IT.

Holy Spirit, may this deep peace fill up the space my old fear has taken. I don’t need it any longer – and it is NOT keeping me safe by giving me heart-pains – just automatically repeating an old pattern that is out-moded now.

On this level there are no beliefs that I am “wrong” and “have to do things right”  – the ego’s favorite slogans.No wonder that they had such strong roots: I thought I would be killed if I did not “do things right”, that is, conform to insanity.

What an utter and complete opposite of truth I have embraced as “safety.”

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Aug 08, 2012 @ 14:40:14

    Thank you for taking us to the depths. Would a virtual hand-holding, or even hug, help to solidify the peace?


    • leelotchka44
      Aug 08, 2012 @ 14:48:10

      I think the only thing that will solidify it is that I decide to trust that it is true – but hugs are nice anytime of the day, so thank you!


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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