Being here

Short report from my no-me-process: this morning self/me was seen as just a label put on lots of stories. What freedom. Without the me-label, there was just life life-ing. Everything seemingly outside was seen as the same – life-lifeing, no-one in charge. Deep peace and stillness.

Then slowly another state of awareness seeps in – which is the “ordinary me”-identity. Oh my, SO heavy.

and just now, I will just let it be here –

and just now, not minding it

being the space for all that heaviness

and wanting to share this video – such a wonderful clear teaching from Ken.

The force of our intent to attack

Myron Jones wrote on her blog:

When I feel like someone has attacked me it is possible I
will feel the need to defend myself and always, that defense is an attack. This
creates a cycle into which no healing can come. “

Today a little mosquito was seen as my enemy who came to attack me. Lost in the battlefield on old habitual thinking I smacked the place on my naked thigh where it sat( I thought .)
Soon a strong red hand-print was seen on the thigh. It remained. The temperature in the print was hot, the rest of the skin was cool.  I got a thought that this redness came from the intent of “wanting to hurt and kill” – and then I smacked my thighs just as strong  as the first time, but now with no malicious intent at all.
NO marks on the skin
It is not the blow itself that hurts, but the thought that we are attacked, and that we can ( and want to) attack and harm.)

The photo is unfortunately blurred, but the redness on the skin from that blow( which did not even hurt) is clear.

It’s a role

When the familiar pattern of angst and dread visited this night, there was a clear decision that I will not go down that road again – it leads to a never-ending labyrinth of identifying with suffering.
And so this was heard:
” IT’S A ROLE.”

I have this life explored the concept of roles and archetypes deeply – for myself, but also taught it to students. I have found wonderful ways to help them experience the energy of different roles – “husband”, “son/daughter”, “jealousy” etc. – and how it feels to literally step out of the role.
What never occurred to me is that our names are roles.

Leelah is a role
Leelah is a construct
Leelah is a program, filled with life and feelings of “me” –
but it IS a role only
it has never existed
*
So – seeing that, the angst-and-dread happened to no-one, and 90% of it slid right off
*

Roles can be de-roled, as all actors know.

When I was a child in the fifties, there was a cut-out-theater in one of my favorite weekly magazines. I sat in our attic, which was smelling of mold and dust, with heaps of old Readers’ Digest around, and draft through the chimney. I played for hours with staging plays and playing all the roles. The nice little Lisa – naughty Jack – the Queen – the dragon… the bad ones were all taken care of by police.

Later I made hand-puppets and my father built a great little stage where my own plays were performed by me. Full control.Great satisfaction and relief.And applauds.

My main role was me. I was an excellent me – as we all are, in the human theatre called the world.

Yesterday I saw a play: 33 variations by Moisés Kaufman. After having seen this – I discover yet again how everything in my life is so perfectly orchestrated to bring me to awakening.

Wikipdia says: “The play simultaneously examines the creative process behind Beethoven’s Diabelli Variations and the journey of a musicologist, Katherine Brandt, to discover the meaning behind why Beethoven was compelled to write thirty-three distinct variations on a simple theme by a nobody music publisher. The progression of her ALS and her relationship with her daughter are also themes, as is Beethoven’s growing deafness.

The action takes place both in Beethoven’s time and the present, switching back and forth between the two. However, at certain key points, characters from both time periods appear on stage to deliver lines simultaneously, emphasizing the parallels between the exploits of both sets of characters.

The mother has Lou Gehrig’s disease – which was the disease my mother died from. My daughter is a musicologist. As well as a story about Beethoven and his genius and fate, this is also a play about mother and daughter.

My daughter and I am sitting in the only two chairs which have a distance between them – some 40 cm. I comment on it, and my daughter remarks, “I am sure it is possible to move these seats together in some way.” And for me, she speaks about the seeming separation between mothers and daughters. I feel great warmth within me spreading.

There is a fight going on between the mother and the daughter on stage. The mother is dying, as also Beethoven is dying in another time, on another place on the stage. And then, unexpected, he comes over to her sickbed and stands close to her – and she places her head on his shoulder. When she is in coma, Beethoven comes into her limbo and jokes – quite outside of his role as Beethoven. There is no time. There is this beautiful scene where the pianist plays a fugue within the variations, and the actors start to sing in chorus – spanning different time-lines – all roles coming together in  adoration of the Self that has nothing to do with personalities.

At the end, all actors stand right in front of me. They are beaming with love and happiness. I am deeply touched.

And all of this  led me to me being able to understand the voice in the night, saying:

“It’s a ROLE.”.

Babies and “me”

Just read a thread  on the Forum where somebody talked about when the baby starts to say “me”. I remember from my own child, and every other small child I have met -there is an inner knowing in us as adults when we can use “you” and “me” to them – otherwise we would not say “come to mummy” but “come to “me” or “him.”

The baby SO does not know what a “me” is until we teach it to it.
The next thought that came was that I have believed all these thoughts from the inner suffering-identity to be “me.”
And that I don’t have to: I can just notice them and smile.
And also smile when I catch myself going there again.

But right now this feels indescribably beautiful to see: any me-thought in the mind is false.
It was as if I could remember so hard to try to understand what they meant with “me” – and at some time just accepting that because they said so, it had to be true –

but the me-thought is just a convenience for communication, and does not point to reality

Specialness, attack or truth?

Dear all – this blog is about  exploring how the path of awakening may happen  in a psyche like mine – split and fragmented from 6 months old. The little me made lots of stories to make sense of the impossible  – what the Course call “specialness” – and I have wanted to chronicle the unraveling of this specialness here, as honest and faithfully as possible. This blog is mainly for me – showing it all openly, knowing that anybody can read it and  comment, is part of how I bring healing into darkness.

On the Forum on Liberation Unleashed I got this about a week ago:

GROW UP!!!!!

I mean it darling Leelah, I have been reading you for sooo long now. And you repeat and repeat and repeat all your endless special stories of tragedy and all your endless special stories of special talents and insights.
You are way more addicted to them and find them much more exciting and you get lots of rewards from loving posts over and over and over again. Its very clear that you want all of that fantasy more than you want GOD. So at least be honest with yourself about that, without judging the fact that you are endlessly repeating the same old for attention and love. Its just bloody tragic that you are not PRACTICING the Course.
And now you are on a kick to test Chris7 out with all your valuable Course knowledge. Lots of word play, etc. Loads of testing. Loads of attack and then coming back with loads of words of love.
Its time, Leelah, that you, for ONCE, PRACTICE the Course. Start with the perfect prayer for you, the one that Chris offered you. If you really read it, if you for ONCE practiced it. you would reach the goal that you claim you want, but DO NOT WANT AT ALL. BECAUSE, ALL YOU WANT IS YOUR SPECIALNESS STORIES.
With all the love in the world and beyond for you and to you,S

*

I read it through and looked into myself deeply.  At the bottom, I found the big part of “me” who really DO want to keep the story more than she wants God..At first, it was a shock to see how strong this hidden wish was –  then  gratefulness came: now this wish could be owned and brought to Light.

I could not find that I  do “loads of attack” to my guide Chris, though. And I asked S to point them out to me, which she hasn’t – so I am bringing it out here.

Here is a link to the thread at the Forum – if anybody bothers to read and tell me if they find attack and indulging in “specialness” stories for their own reason – not to wake up – I would be so very grateful. I can not do anything if I don’t see it is there.

http://liberationunleashed.com/nation/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=1466

And if you don’t want to read that thread, you might tell me if it ever has seemed to you that I am using this blog to be special instead of waking up –

please comment on the blog.

 

 

Questions – and answers from Truth

I am sharing the latest part of the process between me and my Liberation Unleashed

*

Leelah: Sigh.Can you stand this confusion?”

Chris:I have lived this confusion, Leelah, and know its frustrations and will do all I can to help you overcome.

Look at the planets, Moon, Earth, Venus, Sun etc. Do they need an ‘I’ to be individual?

Look at nature, the vastness of it all, the different plants, flowers, trees, animals, fish etc. Do they need an ‘I’ to be individual?

The process here is for me to ask questions in order for you to see for yourself there is no ‘I’ in reality. But, I understand the frustrations you are encountering and so will try and offer a an example in order to try and help you navigate through the gluey mass of your mind that is holding you back.

This is a world of duality, of diversity and apparent individuality. It is also a world of illusion, but is at the same time a world of reality. It is a world of paradox. In order for the illusion to work it has to appear real.

So, enter the human being. an incredibly complex, intelligent creation. If we examine the human of today, let’s take a baby as an example. The baby comes installed with genes, passed down only from its ancestors, parents, grandparents etc. etc. Within this combination is the encoding that makes it a unique expression. It may become a great artist, psychic, politician, footballer, author, or, it may not have any obviously particular talents that the world recognises.

The baby is then systematically programmed by everyone it encounters, family, friends, teachers, culture, language, etc.

So, baby number one might become an artist (like a flower may become a rose) another baby may become an author and be given the name Shakespeare (another flower may grow yellow petals and be given the name Daffodil).

Likewise, a seed may become an oak tree or a silver birch…or an…or an… At no time is an ‘I’ required.

The ‘I’ in the human doesn’t come along until later in the baby’s development when it has been programmed to see itself as one.

The intelligence within DNA, within a seed that becomes a tree, is immense and beyond human understanding.

Please tell me how you define “a separate self” – so I know we are on the same line.

Ok, you are a unique expression of consciousness/God and live an apparent individual life. And because of this when you have a cold, my nose doesn’t run, your does!

In Quantum Physics they are now beginning to recognise what the ancient traditions have been saying for thousands of years: there is only one consciousness, there is no separation, in quantum physics they are calling this the unified field, in spirituality it has been called numerous things –God being one of them.

The way for you to know this for yourself is to experience it and so here is what I would like you to do, but without using intellectualisation or philosophising.

This is best done in nature so:

Look at a tree or a flower, for example. Just look, notice that seeing just happens, no ‘I’ to control this or stop this (yes, you can choose to close your eyes or avert your gaze) but you cannot control what the eye sees. Seeing HAPPENS…no ‘I’ required.

Now let’s say you are looking at a tree. Where is the tree? Where are the boundaries between the observer, that which is being observed, and the process of observation? You will find they are as one.

So you have subject>object. Where does one end and the other begin?

(If you’re intellectualizing this you will argue that the tree is 10 yards (meters) away, but, remember, we are experiencing, not analyzing – I don’t mean to be presumptuous, by the way).

Check out this seeing, notice what happens when you allow it to happen. You will not find a border, a separation, but a oneness.

You can do the same with hearing (hearing happens)

Do the same with all the senses.

Please try this and let me know what you experience.

Once you have really seen through the illusion and you’ve seen there is no ‘I’ you have exposed the lie and can never believe in it again. However, because it is so embedded and deeply programmed within us you will fluctuate from this being obvious to having to remind yourself of the fact.

This is natural and deepening happens afterwards. Remember, we are only looking for beginnings of awakening, to go through the Gate. Then, you can deepen this also conditioning will drop away over time, more and more so.

There’s a lot of stuff here. The only answers I’m looking for is to how you found the seeing, hearing, experiences.

I will not ask you the final questions here as there is no rush and I would rather you be happy to do so. But, be on guard, the ego would love it for you to continue in confusion forever, allowing you to be tantalizingly close, but not quite there…it’s only doing its job.

If you need any clarification on any of this please feel free to ask, I am only too pleased to help.

No, need to sigh, Leelah…you are standing at the entrance to the Gate :))

Much love

Chris

*

Dearest Christ,
when I read through your explanations, there was crying from gratitude and relief. I assure you I will not let ego drag this out and ask for the sake of intellectual discussions. The fog-glue in my mind was placed there to “protect” me in my first 18 years, I am un-glueing it each day, and having clarity instead of being stuck/glued inside false perception is invaluable – and it also feel like being embraced by Love.

I want to use good time for this exercise you gave – is there any borders between seeing and the seen?
Impossible.
Between seen and “seer”: yes – seer is connected to body, body sees other bodies. Me’s sees others.
So when I see a green bottle, I see a form, and a border between my body’s form and this form
So I want to use good time with this and in a relaxed space investigate it.

Hearing and heard is one.No Doubt!

Between smelling and smell – no border – but then the olfactory faculty immediately brings up memories, which is a border between now and then

Sensing and the sensed – here I become confused – since the senses are connected with the body. When I sense wind on my skin and feel joy and pleasure, these two seems separated: the wind seems to be outside, the sensations of pleasure is a response from the nervous-system/brain/interpretations.

Now I need help/clarification, and thank you that you are more than willing to help:-

1)There is still confusion about the seed/entelechy/the forming essence of a species – I mix it with what I call I. I see that individuality and I are not the same, but i cannot give examples, so I would love to hear some!

2) Please tell me how you define “a separate self” – so I know we are on the same line.

You answered:” Ok, you are a unique expression of consciousness/God and live an apparent individual life. And because of this when you have a cold, my nose doesn’t run, your does!”

This is not a good example for me, could you find another one? And I know that many people who read this thread will be grateful for your clarification here: for me and millions of supersensitive overemphatic people, this is not so. When my daughter got her tooth anesthetized when small, and i was there to accompany her, my tooth were numbed too by identification with her. In countless groups I have given and attended, it is common that people unconsciously pick up the main themes and images. I recently attended a group where three of 8 had painted the exact same figures in exact them same space of the paper in exact the same relationship to other objects/figures. And then the papers were mounted beside each others – “randomly”.:-)
And as someone who works a lot with energies in healing work, I and all healers feel the patient’s pain in our own body, just by looking at them. No borders between “them” and “me.” This fits well into Quantum Physics too.
So I would love to have another example.
*
And Chris –
I would like to share this too:
when I started to day to explore in your exercise, a complete impenetrable block arose. Mind felt total confused – and this time I did not want to understand my way out of it, but invited the somebody/something /aspect of “me” who had the block to sit with me. It let me know it would NEVER give up this guard. I listened to that with empathy, and was shown an image: one person was lying face down on the ground, another person kneeled down beside it and out a put a comforting hand on the back on the lying person. “he” relaxed, thought that he was safe, and in the same time, the kneeling person rammed his hand into the other back with tremendous force.
I saw that the lying person symbolized the trusting Heart we all share -and experienced the tremendous hurt when we think and believe we have been betrayed and tricked by somebody who pretended to be our friend. Big crying happened. Then I realized how the tricker/betrayer did what he did in other to teach the other NEVER to trust. Anybody, anything.
But it was really all one – coming out of a decision to protect ourselves.
*
After this, I suddenly was able to explore hearing and saw that there were no borders there – and a great smile came.

So I am getting closed indeed to the nonexistent gate, and again I feel gratefulness to you, for giving me what I so needed and asked for.

Warm loving hug
Leelah

 

 

Through the Gateless Gate

Below is a post of a thread on this Forum:

The ones who wants to follow this, please go and read from the thread.

Dearest Chris,

It is amazing how the fear is  not believable any longer to me. Just ego doing its work.

The night started with intense intense tensions and impossible to sleep. Something inside reminded me that “this is simple. Just allow it to be easy. Allow the process, the momentum, to carry you.” So I  invited the terror  to stay with me.I listened to what it had to say, it was connected to a chronic pain in the lung/chest-area. As I allowed it to just BE, the heart started fluttering and pounding, skipping beats. A sweet feeling of tenderness enveloped it, held it. After 4 hours or so I fell asleep and had this  dream:

I am together with a huge crowd of people – 2000?20000? The atmosphere is a feeling, impression, of a shift of immense importance for the whole world ( which  could well be the world of “me”.)The crowd has come together to join this shift, this work.

I have an ally there (Hi, Chris) – we are taking care of the food for the two of us.:-)

We are now all in the same room. A woman is talking from the stage,feverishly, about how dangerous this is and how impossibly hard this is to do.She is the voice for separation. The crowd takes no notice of her. Then she stands right in front of me, her back to me, talking desperately to herself about the impossibility of going through this. She then turns to me for support, and I say – again and again and again loud and clear to her: “There is nobody her who does not see how hard this is for you.” I look her in the eyes and repeat it until I see that she hears me, and receives the compassion. She stops speaking, and I see that the truth seeps into her mind. As I write this down now, it seems that she played the role of suffering victim- “my” main identity “this life.” I am seeing that her role slides of her: she has seen clearly that it IS a role.

The crowd is now outside the building again. There is a unified decision in the crowd – that we hold the momentum of connection to truth, and don’t allow any opposing force to separate us. But right now, we cannot find any opposing force at all. Still it is clear that it is a possibility – but only if we allow ourselves to listen to silliness and take it seriously.

At this time in the dream, I am confused about which year we are in – is it 2012 or 2013?

*

Sometime yesterday,a decision was made – to commit to this fully. It may have happened when I mailed my friend and co-student of ACIM, Shell, who also was guided by you, and she reminded me that I had promised to be completely honest and transparent here – and I felt “Of course!” and I added here what I had written to her – how scared I was.

I am writing down what I spoke into my recorder in the night/morning:

The pressure and tension in the chest and whole torso is immense.”I” am seeing  the crowd as the zillion of fragments “I” split into and dissociated as baby/child/youth -now come together to listen to truth instead of the constant threats from ego.The feeling of the crowd is a unified trust in the leaderJ – and the leader is truth, “who” speaks from union and not separation. We all recognize truth the second it is spoken. It is Home, it’s not a place, it is a recognition of our true nature.

What is beautiful now is SEEING this seeming multitude of “me’s”, and while seeing it, realizing that it is a construct that it is the process of being subjected to truth. There is a watching of this all -and right now (in the night)this watching feels like it is positioned as me. Right now language is experienced as such a clumsy tool for conveying what I am experiencing: I see that I am just at this point in time where this understanding is “placed” (oh god its clumsy.)

From this “place” I see that “me” is just a condensed point in “time” – which also, from this view, is seen as a silly attempt to separate what it impossible to separate. Something that thinks it is possible to position itself in something called time, and that it is REAL.I see oh how necessary this seems is in the world of special “me’s.”

It’s just stories.

Seeing clearly now that “me” is impossibility and a story -and I also see and feel how much I love this I and what she has grown into because of believing in the story and taking it for real. I appreciate the journey to this point of clarity –  and since there is no time in reality, it is seen that there was no journey at all, just a willingness to be wrong about everything about this separated me, all its values and concepts and ideas about the world and its separateness.

It feels very enjoyable to  speak these words into the recorder and allow them to come. It dawns that a shift has already happened. I am aware of the truth all this is coming from, in all its clumsy expressions – and “I” might be wobbling a while until it stabilizes. There is a fear that says I might  just be stuck in hell again – and I notice the thought, and an attraction into hell again.

While I am speaking these words, the constant painful tension behind my eyes is releasing as a gush of tears from both eyes. The release melts down into the neck and throat too, as tensions are seen as not necessary protection any longer.

There is an intense gratitude at knowing itself to be connected to this inner guidance and truth, which has been here all my life, available when “I” have chosen not to believe in fear.

It is also seen that there IS no other places than HERE. Everything else is a construct and illusion. And at the same time, enjoying the whole PLAY of it all: when “me” is absent, joy is here -as I frequently feel in the creative process as an artist.

This morning I listened to a taped program. A man talked about his passion for church-bells. He visited a craftsman who mold bells. He learns that the tone is already in the material – and that the material must meet someone in whose hands this tone can be liberated.

Love

Leelah

 

 

Now

Fresh
To move
Cleanly.
Needing to be
Nowhere else.
Wanting nothing
From any store.
To lift something
You already had
And set it down in
A new place.
Awakened eye
Seeing freshly.
What does that do to
The old blood moving through
Its channels?
~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~
(You & Yours)

Pesta

Yesterday I was led to Pamela Wilson. On this website she suggests that instead of asking ourselves “who am I”, we ask our “parts” “who are you?

Quote:

“Now, if we are not who we are, how come everything else is who they are? Wouldn’t it make more sense to say, “Well, if I’m not my role, maybe nothing else is its role.”

And rather than wondering what that role is, just ask it directly, “Who are you?” It’s so much faster than trying to figure it out.

You don’t ask it, “Who am I?”

One of thought’s functions is to project onto you, because you have no form. It has to come up with projection after projection, and just in case you relax out of your role it has to create an diversion, quickly.

So ask it, “Who are you?”

Curiosity is the way wisdom gets revealed inside. It is the forerunner of wisdom. Curiosity arises and, if you sit with it, connected right underneath is the wisdom. They are not two.”

Yesterday I sat with “something” that wanted to justify its constant anger. I welcomed it in, and opened my heart completely to it. “It” felt so loved. I felt so much love.

This morning, the usual leg-cramps and tensions were intolerable. I remembered to ask this “something” that was the source of this agony who it was. It answered: “I am Plague.”

Here is an image of her:                 Drawn by Theodor Kittelsen. In 1348, the plague came to               

Norway. It took 60% of the population. As a child, i  was drawn into Kittelsen’s evocative images of strange beings and trolls and figures from Norwegian folklore. Pesta ( a nickname of  the Plague) has a broom and she brought horrible sufferings and deaths – and nobody was saved where she visited.

So now I talked to something in my mind that called itself Pesta – something/somebody that believed in the role of the bringer of death.

Abysmal loneliness. Hatred of itself and everybody who fear and hated it. A belief that this was a role that was given to it and that it had to take – nothing else was available for this, not possible.

I invited it to sit with me, and it did. I gave a willingness to be wrong in the minds decision to choose to identify with such a role. The warmth of truth was allowed to shine on it. It wanted nothing else than to be included in my mind, to just BE without being hated.

Each time I remember this “session” I feel deep release and relaxation.

And gratitude for the possibility to meet whatever who comes up to be blessed and seen, so the roles can slide off and I can see Life underneath the costume: just another forgiveness-opportunity. Not for Pesta – for my mind’s need for scapegoats for guilt.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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