Through the Gateless Gate

Below is a post of a thread on this Forum:

The ones who wants to follow this, please go and read from the thread.

Dearest Chris,

It is amazing how the fear is  not believable any longer to me. Just ego doing its work.

The night started with intense intense tensions and impossible to sleep. Something inside reminded me that “this is simple. Just allow it to be easy. Allow the process, the momentum, to carry you.” So I  invited the terror  to stay with me.I listened to what it had to say, it was connected to a chronic pain in the lung/chest-area. As I allowed it to just BE, the heart started fluttering and pounding, skipping beats. A sweet feeling of tenderness enveloped it, held it. After 4 hours or so I fell asleep and had this  dream:

I am together with a huge crowd of people – 2000?20000? The atmosphere is a feeling, impression, of a shift of immense importance for the whole world ( which  could well be the world of “me”.)The crowd has come together to join this shift, this work.

I have an ally there (Hi, Chris) – we are taking care of the food for the two of us.:-)

We are now all in the same room. A woman is talking from the stage,feverishly, about how dangerous this is and how impossibly hard this is to do.She is the voice for separation. The crowd takes no notice of her. Then she stands right in front of me, her back to me, talking desperately to herself about the impossibility of going through this. She then turns to me for support, and I say – again and again and again loud and clear to her: “There is nobody her who does not see how hard this is for you.” I look her in the eyes and repeat it until I see that she hears me, and receives the compassion. She stops speaking, and I see that the truth seeps into her mind. As I write this down now, it seems that she played the role of suffering victim- “my” main identity “this life.” I am seeing that her role slides of her: she has seen clearly that it IS a role.

The crowd is now outside the building again. There is a unified decision in the crowd – that we hold the momentum of connection to truth, and don’t allow any opposing force to separate us. But right now, we cannot find any opposing force at all. Still it is clear that it is a possibility – but only if we allow ourselves to listen to silliness and take it seriously.

At this time in the dream, I am confused about which year we are in – is it 2012 or 2013?

*

Sometime yesterday,a decision was made – to commit to this fully. It may have happened when I mailed my friend and co-student of ACIM, Shell, who also was guided by you, and she reminded me that I had promised to be completely honest and transparent here – and I felt “Of course!” and I added here what I had written to her – how scared I was.

I am writing down what I spoke into my recorder in the night/morning:

The pressure and tension in the chest and whole torso is immense.”I” am seeing  the crowd as the zillion of fragments “I” split into and dissociated as baby/child/youth -now come together to listen to truth instead of the constant threats from ego.The feeling of the crowd is a unified trust in the leaderJ – and the leader is truth, “who” speaks from union and not separation. We all recognize truth the second it is spoken. It is Home, it’s not a place, it is a recognition of our true nature.

What is beautiful now is SEEING this seeming multitude of “me’s”, and while seeing it, realizing that it is a construct that it is the process of being subjected to truth. There is a watching of this all -and right now (in the night)this watching feels like it is positioned as me. Right now language is experienced as such a clumsy tool for conveying what I am experiencing: I see that I am just at this point in time where this understanding is “placed” (oh god its clumsy.)

From this “place” I see that “me” is just a condensed point in “time” – which also, from this view, is seen as a silly attempt to separate what it impossible to separate. Something that thinks it is possible to position itself in something called time, and that it is REAL.I see oh how necessary this seems is in the world of special “me’s.”

It’s just stories.

Seeing clearly now that “me” is impossibility and a story -and I also see and feel how much I love this I and what she has grown into because of believing in the story and taking it for real. I appreciate the journey to this point of clarity –  and since there is no time in reality, it is seen that there was no journey at all, just a willingness to be wrong about everything about this separated me, all its values and concepts and ideas about the world and its separateness.

It feels very enjoyable to  speak these words into the recorder and allow them to come. It dawns that a shift has already happened. I am aware of the truth all this is coming from, in all its clumsy expressions – and “I” might be wobbling a while until it stabilizes. There is a fear that says I might  just be stuck in hell again – and I notice the thought, and an attraction into hell again.

While I am speaking these words, the constant painful tension behind my eyes is releasing as a gush of tears from both eyes. The release melts down into the neck and throat too, as tensions are seen as not necessary protection any longer.

There is an intense gratitude at knowing itself to be connected to this inner guidance and truth, which has been here all my life, available when “I” have chosen not to believe in fear.

It is also seen that there IS no other places than HERE. Everything else is a construct and illusion. And at the same time, enjoying the whole PLAY of it all: when “me” is absent, joy is here -as I frequently feel in the creative process as an artist.

This morning I listened to a taped program. A man talked about his passion for church-bells. He visited a craftsman who mold bells. He learns that the tone is already in the material – and that the material must meet someone in whose hands this tone can be liberated.

Love

Leelah

 

 

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Oct 05, 2012 @ 17:00:30

    What a wonderful sharing of process. Of course you know, I’d love to get Jungian about it.

    Reply

  2. Jacalyn
    Oct 06, 2012 @ 01:35:03

    Wow, this is quite an intense process! You are in post-graduate school, I’d say. Doing very well. I certainly admire your courage.

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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