Specialness, attack or truth?

Dear all – this blog is about  exploring how the path of awakening may happen  in a psyche like mine – split and fragmented from 6 months old. The little me made lots of stories to make sense of the impossible  – what the Course call “specialness” – and I have wanted to chronicle the unraveling of this specialness here, as honest and faithfully as possible. This blog is mainly for me – showing it all openly, knowing that anybody can read it and  comment, is part of how I bring healing into darkness.

On the Forum on Liberation Unleashed I got this about a week ago:

GROW UP!!!!!

I mean it darling Leelah, I have been reading you for sooo long now. And you repeat and repeat and repeat all your endless special stories of tragedy and all your endless special stories of special talents and insights.
You are way more addicted to them and find them much more exciting and you get lots of rewards from loving posts over and over and over again. Its very clear that you want all of that fantasy more than you want GOD. So at least be honest with yourself about that, without judging the fact that you are endlessly repeating the same old for attention and love. Its just bloody tragic that you are not PRACTICING the Course.
And now you are on a kick to test Chris7 out with all your valuable Course knowledge. Lots of word play, etc. Loads of testing. Loads of attack and then coming back with loads of words of love.
Its time, Leelah, that you, for ONCE, PRACTICE the Course. Start with the perfect prayer for you, the one that Chris offered you. If you really read it, if you for ONCE practiced it. you would reach the goal that you claim you want, but DO NOT WANT AT ALL. BECAUSE, ALL YOU WANT IS YOUR SPECIALNESS STORIES.
With all the love in the world and beyond for you and to you,S


I read it through and looked into myself deeply.  At the bottom, I found the big part of “me” who really DO want to keep the story more than she wants God..At first, it was a shock to see how strong this hidden wish was –  then  gratefulness came: now this wish could be owned and brought to Light.

I could not find that I  do “loads of attack” to my guide Chris, though. And I asked S to point them out to me, which she hasn’t – so I am bringing it out here.

Here is a link to the thread at the Forum – if anybody bothers to read and tell me if they find attack and indulging in “specialness” stories for their own reason – not to wake up – I would be so very grateful. I can not do anything if I don’t see it is there.


And if you don’t want to read that thread, you might tell me if it ever has seemed to you that I am using this blog to be special instead of waking up –

please comment on the blog.



6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Barbara
    Oct 17, 2012 @ 14:12:15

    My beautiful friend,

    Everything comes from our mind. We are responsible for everything we perceive because it comes from our thoughts.

    Lesson 253: “It is impossible that anything should come to me unbidden by myself. Even in this world, it is I who rule my destiny. What happens is what I desire. What does not occur is what I do not want to happen.”

    Nothing is done to us. Everything is for us. Everything “S” says is for us and we have asked for her words~never for condemnation, only for truth and the healing of our mind.

    We are not capable of “attack.” God is real. Nothing else Is. Attack is not real.

    You are doing beautifully. Continue to express yourself as you are lead. Everything is for our awakening.

    Love you sweet friend!



  2. leelotchka44
    Oct 17, 2012 @ 15:21:23

    Thank you, Barbara. I am glad i did what I did with what I called to me – and because this is true, I must have wanted to be treated badly. That is surely not a sin, but it is an error:-)
    Holy Spirit, I allow You to take care of this for me – there is no value in this


  3. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Oct 17, 2012 @ 17:25:36

    I have admired your direct honesty in you blogs. They are to be appreciated.


  4. A
    Oct 21, 2012 @ 07:40:37

    I read some parts of the LU thread, first two pages and last two pages – couldn’t find any evidence of you and Chris arguing (?)/debating anything about the Course. (Perhaps they are in the pages I didn’t read ?)

    Also, I don’t find any problem with wanting be special – don’t we all ??? (:

    Judging what is an essential part of being human doesn’t seem to be the way to go forward. If there’s a need to be special, that’s fine, and if there isn’t, that’s fine too!

    Yes, for sure, there is repetition in your stories/our stories/all our stories – isn’t that what we are trying to clear, if we can see the repetitions clearly, perhaps we get to avoid it, if we can’t see the repetitions, we continue till we do.

    Most of us, in my opinion, and certainly me, have to have lots of repetition happening in my life, and in the patters we “see” around us, before we start to become aware of it, become tired of it, and want a better way.

    The ego repeats itself incessantly. So does the holy spirit. So does everything. So what’s the big deal with that ?


  5. leelotchka44
    Oct 21, 2012 @ 12:37:12

    dearest a, thank you. No there isn’t any debate – “s” had a perception that I wondered was correct, and that’s why I asked friends and readers here to affirm if they found it or not. It seems that it only was a projection from her side.

    I think it is a difference between wanting to be special and having a blog in order to demonstrate one’s specialness – big grin – to be perfectly clear, that’s not why I have it 🙂
    much love and big hug to you


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