It’s a role

When the familiar pattern of angst and dread visited this night, there was a clear decision that I will not go down that road again – it leads to a never-ending labyrinth of identifying with suffering.
And so this was heard:

I have this life explored the concept of roles and archetypes deeply – for myself, but also taught it to students. I have found wonderful ways to help them experience the energy of different roles – “husband”, “son/daughter”, “jealousy” etc. – and how it feels to literally step out of the role.
What never occurred to me is that our names are roles.

Leelah is a role
Leelah is a construct
Leelah is a program, filled with life and feelings of “me” –
but it IS a role only
it has never existed
So – seeing that, the angst-and-dread happened to no-one, and 90% of it slid right off

Roles can be de-roled, as all actors know.

When I was a child in the fifties, there was a cut-out-theater in one of my favorite weekly magazines. I sat in our attic, which was smelling of mold and dust, with heaps of old Readers’ Digest around, and draft through the chimney. I played for hours with staging plays and playing all the roles. The nice little Lisa – naughty Jack – the Queen – the dragon… the bad ones were all taken care of by police.

Later I made hand-puppets and my father built a great little stage where my own plays were performed by me. Full control.Great satisfaction and relief.And applauds.

My main role was me. I was an excellent me – as we all are, in the human theatre called the world.

Yesterday I saw a play: 33 variations by Moisés Kaufman. After having seen this – I discover yet again how everything in my life is so perfectly orchestrated to bring me to awakening.

Wikipdia says: “The play simultaneously examines the creative process behind Beethoven’s Diabelli Variations and the journey of a musicologist, Katherine Brandt, to discover the meaning behind why Beethoven was compelled to write thirty-three distinct variations on a simple theme by a nobody music publisher. The progression of her ALS and her relationship with her daughter are also themes, as is Beethoven’s growing deafness.

The action takes place both in Beethoven’s time and the present, switching back and forth between the two. However, at certain key points, characters from both time periods appear on stage to deliver lines simultaneously, emphasizing the parallels between the exploits of both sets of characters.

The mother has Lou Gehrig’s disease – which was the disease my mother died from. My daughter is a musicologist. As well as a story about Beethoven and his genius and fate, this is also a play about mother and daughter.

My daughter and I am sitting in the only two chairs which have a distance between them – some 40 cm. I comment on it, and my daughter remarks, “I am sure it is possible to move these seats together in some way.” And for me, she speaks about the seeming separation between mothers and daughters. I feel great warmth within me spreading.

There is a fight going on between the mother and the daughter on stage. The mother is dying, as also Beethoven is dying in another time, on another place on the stage. And then, unexpected, he comes over to her sickbed and stands close to her – and she places her head on his shoulder. When she is in coma, Beethoven comes into her limbo and jokes – quite outside of his role as Beethoven. There is no time. There is this beautiful scene where the pianist plays a fugue within the variations, and the actors start to sing in chorus – spanning different time-lines – all roles coming together in  adoration of the Self that has nothing to do with personalities.

At the end, all actors stand right in front of me. They are beaming with love and happiness. I am deeply touched.

And all of this  led me to me being able to understand the voice in the night, saying:

“It’s a ROLE.”.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Oct 21, 2012 @ 22:09:58

    I know it’s an overused word (in Minnesota, anyway) but this is an awesome entry. Thanks for it.


  2. leelotchka44
    Oct 22, 2012 @ 12:15:18

    Mona dear. I am SO happy that it touches you!


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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