Fighting myself

My guide Chris at Liberation Unleashed wrote this to me yesterday:
A gentle peace of advice I would like to offer is that of distractions to direct looking. The ‘I’ (ego) while under the scrutiny of direct looking into its illusory nature will offer resistance, either through fear or the more seductive way of pleasure. The ego’s intelligence is such that if fear doesn’t cause the cessation, then pleasure will.

In this way it brings a searching for things that will offer feelings that sooth. By following these nice feelings the identification with the ‘I’ is maintained and strengthened. It’s a bit like running a marathon, and at the half way stage being offered the opportunity to call into a hotel for a spa treatment, massage followed by a sumptuous meal. There’s nothing wrong with that, but the marathon is thus sacrificed.
Dear Chris –
This is good advise, and I love the metaphor of the diversion of a spa. Did you ever see the series “Northern Exposure”?
This has been my favorite ever.In one of the last episodes, “The Quest”, Joel invites Maggie in to the wilderness – he has found an old treasure map and wants to find the treasure! They hike for days, and we understand that the treasure really is the Grail. The episode is really a map for awakening from illusions.
They meet an old Japanese soldier who tells them he has fought many dragons – and then shares that his name Ruy means dragon. “I” am fighting only “myself” in this process, Chris. At least I am seeing it.YET AGAIN:-)
After some days, the couple finds a spa-resort in the middle of nowhere – just as you warned me. They get their massages and good food and drinks – and Joel/me forgets what he came for – but Maggie /Chris reminds us of it. They come to a bridge – The Gate. It is of course locked, and the guardian of the gate played by the main trickster-figure in the Series – gives them a riddle: “How do you keep the one you love?” Joel answers: “You don’t. Love is not possessive There are no ties in Love.” They walk through the Gate/over the bridge, and in the night they find the spot on the treasure map where The Jewelled City is. It is right THERE – and Joel sees it: it is new York and Manhattan, his home before Alaska. He wants Maggie to go with him, but she says no, she HAS her Place – and she/Love lets him go.
Writing this, there have been tears and joy and shivering and rushes of energy. It’s all here, now. One dragon this night told me with strong power: “Of course there is an I. I am the sum total of all your experiences/insights/choices/talents/faults.” Only when I got up from the horizontal position did i see that this is just a thought, believed in – and still cherished. The inner pressure at night has such force that I hardly sleep. I open to it, the Ilona-way, look and look again – and it abates, just to return full force the next night, where the procedures are repeated. It feels like a Sisyphus work – which does not work, as we know – -there really isn’t anything to do – just being with it, zonking out and coming back – maybe “the one I love” is the “me” – maybe I just will allow the I-thought to release –
much love , Leelah

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Deborah Barlow
    Nov 05, 2012 @ 13:36:53

    Wonderful post. It was the first thing I read this morning, and it set my coordinates for the day. Thank you for this.


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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