Leaving the womb – etering life fully

Photo taken by me from Eleanor Coppola’s exhibition “Circle of Memories”

Today, this blog changes its name for the 3. time, reflecting the stages in my awakening process. It started with “Little sister in hiding” , then, as my courage and willingness to be open and present grew, I discovered that I was no longer in hiding, and the title changed to “Dreams and awakening” –

and now, this night and morning, there is a clear felt shift: an inner commitment was taken to go all the way and allow this last step  (for now :-)to be taken.

Since dear Chris, my guide at LU,has had some difficulties with the internet lately, I asked Ilona – whom I started this guiding with – to take over as my guide. I did that pr mail, and I have placed it here below.
Ilona:  What do you expect that seeing no self will fix for you?
Leelah: the moments I see no-self are clear – fearfree – joyful  – peaceful – strong feelings of aliveness – simplicity – all that is needed is being where I seem to be, aware.  Thoughts come, they don’t stick Pains come, they do not stick. Gratefulness abounds. So seeing no-self as a constant – not vacillating – will just allow me to see what is real on a   much more permanent basis – and allow me to rest there for longer periods.
Ilona: Yes, this sounds that seeing happened and the line was crossed.
You seem to have some expectations that cloud the clarity. As if seeing it once would change your life and that there is a permanent basis. Nothing is permanent. Everything is a constant flux. To see no self constantly you would need to keep looking constantly till mind recognises this as unshakable truth and stops checking. Seeing is available any moment. Yet it does not mean that you will not get sucked in to the story and identify with character. This is also part of what is.  It’s not bad or wrong. It just is. And saying no to that, creates a whole lot of tension and resistance.
Freedom is not from experiences. Freedom is within experiences as seeing and recognising that THIS is all there is.  Stories can be enjoyed. When they are not taken personally. And if they are, that too is ok.
Everything that is happening is ok. And it can be welcomed. It does not mean that there is no more work to do.
Can you confirm, that it’s clear that self/ I/ me/ Leelah is an illusion?
Much love.
Leelah:Without doubt I have seen through it many times – AND still there comes periods where the voice who says ” the self that I feel IS the me. I could not feel it as strongly if it weren’t there.” I get what you are saying that accepting what is what makes peace. So when you present it like this, YES it has been seen through.
Ilona: Oh great.
Now if you look at that voice, what is behind it? Is this thought that arises “the self that I feel IS the me” truth?
Is there anything wrong that the feeling arises? Should it not? What is true- the label or the feeling? And if the feeling is not labeled ‘self’ can it be seen just as raw sensation of energy?
Leelah: It is seen as not truth. That took a while. I felt at first anxious, then calm.Just asked for truth to be known and seen. Then there was a calm knowing that the voice came from lies/ego. The moment I saw that, there was an intense angry reaction – maybe from something that was seen through – and first I felt scared, and then it was OK too.
Ilona: Is there anything wrong that the feeling arises?
Leelah :Nothing at all.
Ilona:Should it not?
Leelah:Yes – because it does arise
Ilona: What is true- the label or the feeling?
Leelah: The feeling. The raw energy just IS. The label is the interpretation that is put on it
Ilona:And if the feeling is not labeled ‘self’ can it be seen just as raw sensation of energy?
Leelah: Yes it can. And sometimes this comes quite naturally, and some times I get lost in the habit of it, and then I notice, and I either get irritated or very calmly notice “Oh there i go again. Not serious.”
Ilona: Thank you for answers Leelah. 🙂 Are you ready for the final questions?
Leelah:wow. that was fast. But yes! Now i really surprised myself 🙂
warm hug
Ilona: Here they are 🙂 Answer when ready in full. 1) Is there a ‘me’, at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
2) in the experience, is there an experiencer? Is it body that experiences or body is the experienced?
3) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
4) How does it feel to see this?
5)How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.
6) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? Can you describe the moment when seeing happened?
7) anything to add?
Big hug.
And the answers will be posted here  –

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. anil
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 09:20:27

    Congrats, Nina !
    I like the new name, particularly the “Entering life fully” part. On the same day as you above (Nov 26th), I too made an impromptu decision that seems to be taking hold on me day by day. The form/story/context of it is different, but in essence, it is also about my “Entering life fully” ! (:


    • leelotchka44
      Nov 28, 2012 @ 15:04:32

      How sweet is that.Again I feel with wonder and gratitude how we are linked in wondrous ways, Anil. Big hugs!


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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