The avalanche of toxic waste

I am reminded  that the form of an attack does not identify the attacker as “bad.” Recently a person is talking and blaming me strongly with harsh words. They feel toxic, they hurt – and I know they are pointing to a place in my mind that is “mean” and still in operation. I ask for help to see clearly what I secretly want to keep.

I was promptly answered: it felt like a deluge of grievances. This “me” would NOT let these grievances go – she would revel in being right and the others/victimizers being horribly disgustingly wrong. The energy from this hatred was felt like a toxic tornado inside my veins and muscles. I felt an impulse to find the Course and open it.

Lesson 153

W-pI.153.13. You who have played that you are lost to hope, abandoned by your Father, left alone in terror in a fearful world made mad by sin and guilt; be happy now. 2 That game is over. 3 Now a quiet time has come, in which we put away the toys of guilt, and lock our quaint and childish thoughts of sin forever from the pure and holy minds of Heaven’s children and the Son of God.

W-pI.153.14. We pause but for a moment more, to play our final, happy game upon this earth. 2 And then we go to take our rightful place where truth abides and games are meaningless. 3 So is the story ended. 4 Let this day bring the last chapter closer to the world, that everyone may learn the tale he reads of terrifying destiny, defeat of all his hopes, his pitiful defense against a vengeance he can not escape, is but his own deluded fantasy. 5 God’s ministers have come to waken him from the dark dreams this story has evoked in his confused, bewildered memory of this distorted tale. 6 God’s Son can smile at last, on learning that it is not true.

And also an exercise I found – about seeing myself passing through a circle of clouds on my way into a sun-filled sphere

I did the exercise, and for the first time it was easy and I found myself inside the light. The ego has always looked for a blazing dramatic light doing this – but the light is simple, unobtrusive, SO known, is always here -with me – it is like the light we see when we fly over the clouds and KNOW that here there ARE no clouds – ever –

The grievances are seen as fantasies of the mind, put there by me believing the ego is my friend and protector. The  projections of them into my body-   the energies of them are indescribably dark, hateful, toxic, mean – exactly how I perceive the attacks from this person lately.Right now it feels like my body/bones are broken apart -like the hatred is what holds this body together, and Love is dismembering its structure –

Now the pain is felt to be not personal at all –

this wish to keep the grievances is seen as  the dense old pain in the legs and the butt

(Speaking in to my recorder:)

I claim the miracle

So much fear and resistance is held around the heart – so much beliefs and “proofs” that this false self is important – and that all its experiences and tragedy and horror is truth  – oh this intense will to be right about all these stories, and therefore having “the right” to punish – toxic waste – this is all out in the clear now, all created because of the wish to be something else than God created – the wish to be special by all costs –

I claim the miracle.It is my right. I allow the Holy Spirit to heal this wish to punish in the mind, and its projections into my own body – theres no guilt and sin here, just an error in perception – and there is really no choice in this NOW – this peace HAS no choice, since it is all that is –

Surendering to Love

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Bodhisattva at the Metro



Addicted to guilt

A friend has recently started to attack me: “You have not the faintest idea of how to forgive. You have never forgiven.” My first automatic response is always to think “Oh she must be right.” And then look for “hidden” reasons for her being right.

Today it is recognized deeply that what is going on here is her mirroring to me my belief that I am guilty- and that “I” am buying it, seeing it as an opportunity to feel bad and punish myself.

But there is no separate self – no I.

What is going on is only this projection of deep unconscious guilt, and the field of murky-heavy energy between us – as soon as one of us falls into the old pattern of believing ego’s belief in guilt and taking it personally – attaching the me-label to it. And this is a dance that cannot be danced alone.

As this is recognized, deep peace comes, and the cords binding us to each other, while we play out this old guilt-projection-game, loosen. It is felt very clearly.

Now my intense negative resistance to these accusations melt – here are only 2 people caught in roles and forgetting that they have made the drama themselves.




Through the non-existing Gate

I like the little avatar of the young sapling. It means that my bud-avatar has taken roots and become the start of a tree.
This is the rest of the last questions and answers.
Ilona: anything to add?

Leelah:There is flip-flopping in the brain. What is new, is that judgments about it is are gone. Unless they aren’t, and then released.It just is how it is
There is a lot of tiredness. And any expectations of living blissfully inside non-duality has gone – and somehow that makes it simpler to live: what is here, in this moment, may be a shifting from old programming to seeing through it and feeling relief. There is much aha-s going on when I follow threads – and there is much more feeling of safety on a deep cellular level it feels.

Ilona:Also, tell me, what is here, that needs to heal? Do the old wounds still feel sticky?

The story is still there, but is fast recognized as story. The conditioned stuff comes up and is received and released. There are lots of strong pains and cramps these days- and as long as I am identified with it, it certainly feels like it needs to heal. But somehow “needs” is a wrong word. The moment I am aware that it is just a gift coming up to be released, the energy around it changes. Very old beliefs and thoughts from inside the wounded-me-story comes up frequently too, and are seen as survival kit for the story-figure. When that seeing came, it made a big difference, and it is remembered.

Thank you from all of my heart

User avatar

Postby Ilona » December 10th, 2012, 6:08 pm

What a ride, leelah! So happy to welcome you on the other side of non existing gate. :))
Lots of new friends are waiting to meet you. You are on Facebook, right? If so, please message me and I’ll invite you to groups.

Big hug, and much love.

Watching what is looking

Dear Leelah I’m very happy to hear this. 🙂
So to wrap up this conversation, are you ready to confirm that there is no separate self, I, me? Was there ever?

There was never a separate self, an I or me. It is seen as an impossibility to chop up flow in bits and name them and believe the bits have their own life and will – and it is still seen that that is what humans do. We imagine we are separate, we are playing a make believe game , and words and labels are means to play this game.

What is it that is experiencing?

Awareness. Life experiencing/being aware of Itself.

Is body experiencing or body is the experienced, just like everything else?

Body is included in all that is experienced. There is no experiencer, nothing that can be separated from the experienced. This is one eternal flow/movement. There seems to be parts in it, but that is part of the game of illusion – it is all one glorious dance.

And when you look at what is looking, what is there?

Just unobstructed looking. Verb. A state of being, neutral. No one is looking, never was.

I also met my daughter in town today. People are seen as life expressing itself/manifesting as these myriads of expressions. No me’s anywhere, but I enjoy seeing the diversity in expressions –
My daughter and I fell into one of our usual knots of energy-clashes. I noticed it, sensed it as energy, and humor came into the energy and dissolved the knot. Today I noticed my daughter listening and being presence in a way she rarely is – and I noticed the same in me. It felt like we were just a dance, being danced. Simple, loving.

Love and warm hugs

The time-bound consciousness

Just found this quote:

Fear, anxiety, expectation, regret, guilt, anger are the dysfunctions of the time bound state of consciousness E. Tolle The New Earth 2005

Time-bound state -consciousness:  identification with the ME-label.

The survival kit

Ilona asked me to  look at what is looking:
December 6th 2012
Fear happened. A belief: “This is the only chance you get.” (being guided by you/LU.) Noticing pressure to “make it through the gate.” Noticing the pattern of mind/ego-thoughts doing its work, and recognizing with relief that there is no reason to take it personally. There were also attacking thoughts: ” see, you are just pretending. It’s just mental.”It is seen how this is natural, these thoughts showing up to “protect” the me – I am 68 years old. Well at least this body is:-)
I was Skyping with Pregunta from LU when this process described above happened. I noticed how easy it is to notice these patterns when there is another human present, who witnesses. I see how, when being alone, fear easily overwhelms me – and then the avalanche of old habitual thoughts believed to protect is allowed to come. Now, because Pregunta is there, whom I know well, its all out in the open, being allowed to be.
Now there are more resistance thoughts: “This shift should be much more like lots of the others are experiencing. Old victim-identity is obviously still here. It should NOT be here.”
But it IS only a thought – happening to no-one. Thought: “Was that clever said? Will Ilona accept it?” And the whole defense-pattern is starting the be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure.

The pattern lightened up the moment the thought came: to notice the silent space all these thoughts happened in – that took the reality-feeling away from the fear-thoughts. When the space opened, it was clear that the thoughts were not true, just programmed to protect the story of the sufferer. All these thoughts were intensely important to believe and follow for that me. What was real now, was seeing that the seriousness in the story belongs to the story, but is there is no real separate me that it can happen to.

And it was never a separate living self/me it WAS happening to either.

Writing this, i know it is truth – and there are a lot of sensations in the bodymind right now that are experienced.

At one point in our Skyping, a strong wish for separation and control was felt – it was believed that the peaceful space would be invaded and attacked by someone else.

Going to get something to eat. Will continue in a while.

 December 6th, 2012, 9:46 pm

The more we worked, the more the labels were noticed. I notice I notice them only when there is a sense of safety – and I notice that I think I am a me again, looking for safety – AND IT IS OK
It felt good to hug fear when it came. It really felt like “me” hugging it -then I saw that the label “hugger” came from within the story.It came as sickness and cold, and was seen to melt in acceptance. There is no me outside that story.

So I realize that as it is now, the suffering identity will probably “come back” many times, and there will be times when I do not recognize it, but eventually there will be realization. There is anger that this will take “more time.” From the view this is written, there is no time.
There is no me to be angry – but that realization shifts from being conceptual to being truly experienced.
And this is where it is right now
Looking at that which is looking 🙂 – I am truly looking forward to that and letting you know –

good night Ilona

 December 7th, 2012, 11:38 am

This insight is a great gift – repeating it here:

The whole defense/control-pattern is starting to be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure. It goes on automatic – until it is seen as an old invention not needed NOW.

I am so very very happy about what goes on in the night healingwise – so much stuff comes up, and it is all seen as belonging to the survival-kit for “Leelah.” So it is easy to thank it then:-) and let go of it. – Oh! seeing that since I see that I don’t need a survival-kit anylonger, there simply must have been seeing through the suffering me♥♥♥

Last night a big depression/agony-thing came up. First, identification was noticed – very fast it was – asking it if it wanted to leave – in 3 seconds it dissolved, and for some time there came sickness, yawning, pains everywhere – but nothing taken serious, just energy. No judgments. Just gratefulness. Much “trying to control” came up too, and a deep gratefulness that there was nothing to control. So I hugged that mind. How tired it is from protecting the I!

Today I looked at that which is looking. Oh my you cant believe how much control there is in the physical looking – “I” am trying to control absolute everything – and then there was seen that it was possible to allow it to be for a moment – and then a moment more – and the tensions from those eye-muscles are enormous – always have been – they have learned to “not see” a zillion of things – and now there is a gradual awakening from this me-thing, and the eye-muscles are part of that. The tension from those muscles straining not to see is felt in the neck and even the torso. Right now, there is a loosening, when that old idea of protection is seen as belonging to the  separate self.

In between there are glimpses from not-strained looking – a h,  t h e r e ‘s   a   b i r d   f l y i n g – really seeing very small details – all connected to a growing feeling of safety, it feels connected to every organ and cell inside.

So looking at that which is looking and seeing is right now seeing a stressed looking and seeing, welcoming that, and a willingness to open to what is looking when the old survivalmode is not stressing it any longer

I am so happy about this

I am so happy that you give me these questions to look

I am so happy about Chris and you, Ilona

Now there is an excitement about looking, not dread and fear
warmest hugs

Without the”me”-label

Ilona:that “feeling of me” is real. that label ‘me’ is superimposed on feeling. Check, see if that feeling is here with and without labels. look at it as vibration, raw sensation. feel it. Is there a subject in that feeling, a feeler?

Leelah: I tried it in bed, but it did not feel like a good time for it.
Then a night with wonderful healing happened. I have a lot of cramps and pains in legs at night – and this night, I thanked it each time it came and asked if it needed to tell me something, and thanked for answers. A sweetness soon enveloped me, and suddenly the cramps started to turn into something else – shivers, jumping body, other body-parts reacted, it felt like strong energies were moving through. Sometimes the cramps were as strong as before, but were experienced very differently. It felt exciting. I then had a great dreams, where lots of creativity was unleashed.

In the morning I hurt my head on a shard of glass, it bled profusely, and I sensed for what to do – for a while I could not stop the bleeding. Then I got the idea to just pop into the health-center in the little city I was about to go to, and ask one of the nurses there to have a look, if it needed stitches. I had to wait only one minute, and was told it was OK, and got a wallop of liquid bandage on my scalp.

Ususally, the old identity would have had a field day with this. But now, it just was what it was, and I was mildly curious if it was serious or not.
On the bus home, I felt it was time to do the feeling of me-checking. Without the me: familiarity, I really like this feeling. The room around me seemed to include all that I saw. No feeler, no seer, no experiencer.Then with the me feeling: the constriction started at once. And I “saw” all “my” stories coming flying towards me and attaching itself, like iron-bits to a magnet. Breathing became constricted. Bodily pains grew. I had just bought a pot with a little Christmas-tree -and the store had wrapped in in a plastic web-stocking to keep the boughs close to the trunk. I felt like that tree.
I then sensed the me-label-thought dropping off. It felt very natural. I checked where the old Leelah-identity was – did not find it.Was not interested.
At home, it was dark, and I fell down the bottom of the stairs and hurt my feet and knees. Instantly a big wailing started – like something wanted to use the chance to get back into suffering mode – and while I heard myself/little Leelah/ wailing, I gave myself a hug and heard myself say” Now this is good. We have always ( little Leelah and big Leelah) expected to fall down these stairs, and now we did, and all is well.”
And the little Leelah did not feel real any longer – just a story, and not even an interesting story.
There is a sense of “me-ness” – and the reason for that is that we have been programmed from very little to identify with the body and all sensations in it. But originally there were only sensations/energies which no one owned – which just had to do with the body’s energy system reacting to other bodies and their energies, and the energies form food being digested, and baby-organs trying to do their thing.
What is lovely for me to notice is that the feeling-of-me is still here – what is lost are the stories about limitation and fear connected to it. Sometimes there comes a familiar feeling of fear, and it is noticed and there is no interest in dragging it closer. Sometimes it seems good to thank pains and stuff – and sometimes I don’t think about it. It is remarkably simple.


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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