The survival kit

Ilona asked me to  look at what is looking:
December 6th 2012
Fear happened. A belief: “This is the only chance you get.” (being guided by you/LU.) Noticing pressure to “make it through the gate.” Noticing the pattern of mind/ego-thoughts doing its work, and recognizing with relief that there is no reason to take it personally. There were also attacking thoughts: ” see, you are just pretending. It’s just mental.”It is seen how this is natural, these thoughts showing up to “protect” the me – I am 68 years old. Well at least this body is:-)
I was Skyping with Pregunta from LU when this process described above happened. I noticed how easy it is to notice these patterns when there is another human present, who witnesses. I see how, when being alone, fear easily overwhelms me – and then the avalanche of old habitual thoughts believed to protect is allowed to come. Now, because Pregunta is there, whom I know well, its all out in the open, being allowed to be.
Now there are more resistance thoughts: “This shift should be much more like lots of the others are experiencing. Old victim-identity is obviously still here. It should NOT be here.”
But it IS only a thought – happening to no-one. Thought: “Was that clever said? Will Ilona accept it?” And the whole defense-pattern is starting the be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure.

The pattern lightened up the moment the thought came: to notice the silent space all these thoughts happened in – that took the reality-feeling away from the fear-thoughts. When the space opened, it was clear that the thoughts were not true, just programmed to protect the story of the sufferer. All these thoughts were intensely important to believe and follow for that me. What was real now, was seeing that the seriousness in the story belongs to the story, but is there is no real separate me that it can happen to.

And it was never a separate living self/me it WAS happening to either.

Writing this, i know it is truth – and there are a lot of sensations in the bodymind right now that are experienced.

At one point in our Skyping, a strong wish for separation and control was felt – it was believed that the peaceful space would be invaded and attacked by someone else.

Going to get something to eat. Will continue in a while.

 December 6th, 2012, 9:46 pm

The more we worked, the more the labels were noticed. I notice I notice them only when there is a sense of safety – and I notice that I think I am a me again, looking for safety – AND IT IS OK
It felt good to hug fear when it came. It really felt like “me” hugging it -then I saw that the label “hugger” came from within the story.It came as sickness and cold, and was seen to melt in acceptance. There is no me outside that story.

So I realize that as it is now, the suffering identity will probably “come back” many times, and there will be times when I do not recognize it, but eventually there will be realization. There is anger that this will take “more time.” From the view this is written, there is no time.
There is no me to be angry – but that realization shifts from being conceptual to being truly experienced.
And this is where it is right now
*
Looking at that which is looking 🙂 – I am truly looking forward to that and letting you know –

good night Ilona
Leelah

 December 7th, 2012, 11:38 am

This insight is a great gift – repeating it here:

The whole defense/control-pattern is starting to be recognized as a survival-kit for a story-figure. It goes on automatic – until it is seen as an old invention not needed NOW.

I am so very very happy about what goes on in the night healingwise – so much stuff comes up, and it is all seen as belonging to the survival-kit for “Leelah.” So it is easy to thank it then:-) and let go of it. – Oh! seeing that since I see that I don’t need a survival-kit anylonger, there simply must have been seeing through the suffering me♥♥♥

Last night a big depression/agony-thing came up. First, identification was noticed – very fast it was – asking it if it wanted to leave – in 3 seconds it dissolved, and for some time there came sickness, yawning, pains everywhere – but nothing taken serious, just energy. No judgments. Just gratefulness. Much “trying to control” came up too, and a deep gratefulness that there was nothing to control. So I hugged that mind. How tired it is from protecting the I!

Today I looked at that which is looking. Oh my you cant believe how much control there is in the physical looking – “I” am trying to control absolute everything – and then there was seen that it was possible to allow it to be for a moment – and then a moment more – and the tensions from those eye-muscles are enormous – always have been – they have learned to “not see” a zillion of things – and now there is a gradual awakening from this me-thing, and the eye-muscles are part of that. The tension from those muscles straining not to see is felt in the neck and even the torso. Right now, there is a loosening, when that old idea of protection is seen as belonging to the  separate self.

In between there are glimpses from not-strained looking – a h,  t h e r e ‘s   a   b i r d   f l y i n g – really seeing very small details – all connected to a growing feeling of safety, it feels connected to every organ and cell inside.

So looking at that which is looking and seeing is right now seeing a stressed looking and seeing, welcoming that, and a willingness to open to what is looking when the old survivalmode is not stressing it any longer

I am so happy about this

I am so happy that you give me these questions to look

I am so happy about Chris and you, Ilona

Now there is an excitement about looking, not dread and fear
warmest hugs

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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