Stone through entrance

Time is 4:04 am January first. This time is called by some “The time of Angels.”

I wake up by a huge crashing sound. Think it is firecrackers.One more crash – bigger. Intuition; get up and out on the veranda – there is some mischief going on downstairs.

Enormous crash – Look down, man runs away. He looks so strange: pointed blue hat, beige sweather and knickers! He is very tall. I have a feeling of unrealness.

Down in the living-room, I see a big stone in the middle of my floor. The glass-door is broken. you wouldn’t believe how much glass-shards there is from such double-glass doors.

And first now do I realize that that man threw that stone through the door to get in. Or – to just crush something in anger.

Shock. Instant ice-cold. Fear:”He will be back!”

Calling the police, they come quickly,  the male sergeant photographs footprints in the snow ( super-clear prints,) the young blond sergeant listens to me, patiently,gently. They call the glass master who arrives shortly after. He sets up a proviso new glass slate – and removes most of the shards.

That touches me! They all are so kind and helpful. I ask for a hug, and he smiles and gives me a good one. My cold body becomes warm.

No sleep. Next morning I call the police station to set up a time for  filing a claim. They tell me that they will do it for me, so I do not need to travel.

Sitting with this, I know that it is part of a process of healing and awakening.

The night is filled with  full-blown post traumatic stress. The symbol of a man who crashes the door to my home is a metaphor for rape. I notice that the man himself was not inside my house: only the stone. Seeing this brings shivers of release down my spine: this is happening through me,as me, a healing FOR me. “ME” meaning decision-maker in the mind outside time and space.

Next morning – today – I find anger. I welcome it, and tears flood horizontal. What a force behind them! It feels like an encapsulated wound has been burst open, and waves of gratitude flows through me. While the crying is going on, there is a knowing that the stone-thrower has given me a huge gift: he has burst the door to my old repressed and JUDGED anger – the one that thinks it is guilty and sinful if anger is voiced and expressed in any way at all.

I call the psychiatric acute-team and ask them to come home to me. I want to have witnesses to the stone and the glass – witnesses who are professional health-workers, and who can receive this anger and other feelings which may arise, now when the wound is fresh. This is the gift – to have someone witnessing it very soon after trauma and shock happened – so at last I can express the energy. That breaks the pattern of denial that has held the old wound encapsulated.

Oh I love the idea of fetching the stone back into the living room! Now it is seen as a gift – I want to make art of it! Will take photos tomorrow and post here.

*

Later, in the evening:

Two  women from the Psychiatric Acute team was here. I told them the story and showed them the stone. Peggy said: “That is a lava-stone.” We talked about the symbol of a man filled with rage crushing the entrance – and that the stone in fact is fire from the center of the earth, petrified. And fire is a great metaphor for anger – but also for will, power, strength and transformation!

It felt great to have those two professionals listening to what happened: the story could be told, simply, without having to “protect” anybody from it.

Deeply healing

THANK YOU

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Jan 02, 2013 @ 19:48:55

    Oh my! Just hearing about the experience evokes fear and anger. And hearing about your positive way of dealing with it evokes a sense of healing.

    Thanks for the gift.

    Mona

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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