Integrating fear

The primal fear is still the main theme. Yesterday I lie for hours in bed, just tensions and stress everywhere – and knew that some part was terrified of falling asleep. Then I dozed off – and awoke from a loud crash from within the house. Instantly I was back to the 1st of January and the stone through the door and the terror from that day was back in the driver seat. I found myself tiptoeing down the stairs and into the living room, and then the alarm sounded – I had forgotten that I must not go down to the first floor when the alarm had been turned on. I ran upstairs and turned it off, and the cellphone rang. It was a Security guy who for the first time was live on the line, and I told him it was my fault and I was OK.

This was a metaphore/reflection from outside that was not lost on me: before, when I mistakenly had made the alarm go off, there had always been just text-messages from Security, stating that they had closed the case (since I turned the alarm system off so fast.) But this time, the projection screen showed me that there was direct contact between somebody listening to me when”the alarm went off” and reaching out. An age-old belief that I am not worthy to get help was broken.

This was a huge help to know.I went back to bed and knew that Presence had arranged this, so I could calmly lay there and integrate the fear. I prayed for a dream where I more clearly could see the focus of the fear, and had a dream where my father was telling me that he would rape a friend I had visiting. I woke up, remembering his insane expression, forgave this projected guilt and was willing to accept the Atonement instead.

Then I read something from my little notebook by Michael Brown – he is talking about dark memories:

“Yet, while we remain unintegrated, then as we approach the portal of this moment, these unintegrated memories are what guard the entry to the portal. They say “While you believe in us more than the promise of what you truly are, then we stand between you and this realization. You must pass through us to know we are not real, or run from us back into the illusions which inspire more experiences just like us.”

The face of insanity and violence projected on my father (and God) is what I have believed MORE than the promise of what I truly am – the Holy Son of God.

Later in the day, I discovered what had made that crashing noise: it was a lamp that had fallen from a table where it was attached with a screw. How  I don’t know – but for what, I know: to give me an opportunity to meet that fear again with much less resistance around it, and much more awareness and Love surrounding it.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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